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I've learned how to manage hours' worth of pain, how to work around sleepiness and fatigue, how to get back to where I was after multiple setbacks. But when I'm not in pain and not too drowsy and in between study sessions and done with my exercise and too tired or not in the mood to read a book, I feel almost lost. The problems that are more difficult to deal with come crowding into consciousness, and these are all problems with other people. Without the cooperation of other people, they'll never be solved, and nothing is more distressing than problems that cannot be solved. No, that's not true I think. The one thing that's worse are problems that people won't solve despite the existence of solutions.

Reddit is becoming like Wikipedia: a top result in too many Internet searches.

So I ended up on Reddit again. According to item D on the Submissions Rules sidebar, the change my view subreddit now has a rule that people cannot take any stance regarding anything transgender at all. Why? The Admins, as their wiki explains. Reddit has had a pro trans ideology bias for years now, but it becomes more and more blatant over time, bleeding into all sorts of unrelated subreddits.

I'm not sure I'm capable of loving anyone, not sure I could even find anyone who is lovable, there are so many trash human beings. Not sure I could handle another sexual relationship. Not sure what my life would be like if I managed to expatriate to Taiwan. Once the stress and excitement of being a new immigrant die down, I see myself being bored and alone for the rest of my life.

I know why I felt thinner yesterday: I'd finally put a dent in my chronic constipation. It never completely goes away, however.

I finally have my first Mandarin books to read. They are bootleg digital copies of readers that I didn't want to buy sight unseen. I wonder whether reading is popular in places where Chinese is the language most people learn to read. I wonder how the writing system affects professional writing. Western novels at least can be very flowery in language, but the extra thousands of characters that kind of writing seems like it would require seems like a huge barrier to a similar Chinese literary tradition.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I feel worse than tired. Plus I have no appetite. I could get some cookies down. But I cannot eat cookies all day. At least one day off is needed.

Half quick-cooking oats, half regular oats—I still had that headachy feeling, but it happened in the middle of the walk instead of at the beginning. I guess the experiment has failed.

I finally felt a bit thinner today. Not sure what's different.

I found several male-led Taiwanese Mandarin podcasts today. One is too advanced, plus something about the guys' voice tones sounds sleezy. I sort of don't want to know what they are saying. They sound Americanized, even spoke a bit of English in the podcast. Maybe that's why they sound like assholes.

The other podcasts are all defunct. Two of them still have available episodes, but no transcripts. That's ok; I can still use them for pure listening comprehension. My ability to stand listening to Mandarin that I barely understand is utterly amazing. This is a recently acquired capacity. I tried so many times, for so many years to do this with French, and it just never happened. I had to build up from a French podcast that has a painfully slow rate of speech, I had to understand what I was hearing. A large part of reason for this new capacity is the excellent preparation I've gotten from my Mandarin textbooks.

I'm adding Mondly to my Korean study routine. I needed something with simpler repetition and more mindless point-and-click interactiveness compared to Lingodeer. I'm going to use them both, and I'm going to quit flashcards. I just cannot stick with flashcards for Korean, I don't know why. It's curious how things that work so well for learning some languages don't work for others. The multiple decks I'm goind for Mandarin certainly don't help. Besides those two websites, I'm still going through Pimsleur Korean. I'm almost halfway done with it. I've got another audio course lined up.
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Today I found out that I can be away from my apartment for no longer than thirty days. Kind of ridiculous, the way welfare hems people in. Well, I'm not going to allow myself to be hemmed in. I just don't give a shit anymore. Even if I weren't trying to leave the country, I'd not want to stay in this town, and moving with a housing voucher requires temporary homelessness anyways. I'm not going to put myself through doing a 3-, 6-, or even 9-month course followed by yet another stint of homelessness, so it's either a one-year language course for me or I go for the three-year master's degree program. I'll pay for emergency evac insurance in case war breaks out. Actually, they may not even cover war, or it may be too expensive.

If/when I have to come back to this country, I can get another housing voucher relatively easily because I'm a veteran. Before, I felt like a fourth homelessness adventure would kill me, but I think I may be able to handle it after one to three years abroad, especially since I can probably get into a temp vet housing program while I'm waiting. Turns out the military is the best thing I ever did with my life in terms of survival.

So I'm going to apply for the master's program this fall, and, if I'm not accepted, I'll apply again next fall. I don't have to submit test scores until the end of February for the scholarship, so I shouldn't have to worry too much about my language skills. If I take the test on January first, between then and now I'll have about a hundred and seventy days of study time; at 7 new characters/words/don't know what to call them per day, my vocabularly will have increased by about 1280, and I'm already studying intermediate level vocab so I should be close to B1 in time.

The new vocab routine is firmly in place; what I need to focus on now is listening to people speaking Mandarin for a native-speaking audience plus my own speaking skills.

I tried a while ago to log in to a linux support forum I've used for years, but now even viewing the content requires enabling Javascript, which I'm not going to do. Over the years, I've noticed that more and more websites require Javascript and cookies just for access to a free article or how-to guide. Until recently, I've not known why; I just assumed they want users to submit to their tracking, advertising, and whatnot. But recently I came across a website whose blocked content page provided an explanation: AI is causing site owners problems by scraping the web, so measures to distinguish between AI bots and human users have been put in place. What a drag. Fortunately my search engine lists cached versions of web pages, so I can still access most of the information I need. As I've said before, the Internet has gone to shit. Or maybe it's still going and we haven't even arrived at the worst part yet.

Another five hour walk today and my leg was hurting this time, but I knew that would go away once I got home so I pressed on. I wonder whether acclimating to this enough to avoid the pain is possible. I'm now getting up at one or one-thirty am to avoid the other people in town. 3 am wasn't good enough. Maybe I really should start taking double my d3 dose because I'm getting even less sun this way. Later I did a sprint on the spinning bike with my tired legs at the end of my weightlifting/cardio workout. I pushed myself and got to the end of the song I was listening to (some fast metal) even though I'd set a goal of making it only to the two minute mark and it was a great success.

As usual, I started off on the high school track this morning, but walking on that endlessly flat, featureless surface started to feel something like sensory deprivation. I craved the tactile feedback of a more varied surface under my feet. So I struck off across town and walked a dirt/rock/sand trail. The little rocks were painful, too much tactile feedback, and the sand made my steps ponderous, laborious, and slow, but ultimately I was satisfied. It's the new shoes that make me feel this way.

I've just now come back from a walk to the community market and thoroughly exhausted myself for the day. As of tomorrow morning, we (me and my eleven alternate personalities) will be trying a new diet hack: undercooked oats. Normally I have quick-cooking oats for breakfast; tomorrow, I plan to have regular rolled oats, cooked for the same amount of time, so they will be undercooked, will take longer to digest, and will therefore, I hope, stave off hunger. I've had oats that were completely uncooked, not just once or twice but regularly and for some time, so undercooked oats should be no big deal.

I had cookies today exclamation mark. I don't like typing the exclamation mark in my posts; it feels too emotional or something. There needs to be something halfway between a period and an e.m. Cookies homemade with my einkorn flour, no oil, so they weren't calorific and I could have eaten as many as I wanted. Being able to have sweets without wreaking my diet is great.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I feel like the probability of me being assaulted or in a shooting here is so high that taking the risk isn't crazy. Taiwan is risky but it isn't insane. Anyways, first I need to focus on just getting my few months of language school. That I'm not afraid to do. Once that's done, I can consider my next steps.

I stopped at the public library after grocery shopping today. I was looking at the Mandarin-language books in the children's section (our public libraries are so awesome that we have books in multiple foreign languages—I picked up a kid's French book while I was there). I'm not ready to read even a kid's book. I don't have enough vocabulary. Or rather, I have the wrong subset of vocabulary. My textbooks so far have focused on things an adult would need to know in Taiwan: stuff about jobs, college, public transportation, going to the doctor, etc. Not stuff that a would be in a children's book. Looking through book after book and recognizing almost zero characters was just a little disappointing.

However. The progression of my listening comprehension is fantastic. I've been watching a few Mandarin-language videos on Odyssee as well as listening to a couple of podcasts, and, although there are still many words and characters I don't know, the ones I do know are quite solid. Sometimes, it's almost like they jump out at me, they are so easy to recognize. That is quite motivating.

I've noticed that I feel more upbeat when I'm taking my morning walk around town, compared to walking on the track. I think that's because I don't have to worry about anyone lurking in the shadows while I'm about town. And maybe I'm more awake because it isn't so dark and I have to pay more attention to where and how I'm walking. I felt as if I were nearly falling asleep while walking at the track a few days ago.

Now that I know that rye doesn't worsen my menstrual cramps, I'm permanently having sandwiches for one of my daily meals. I spend too much time preparing food, so a sandwich is a welcome change from the more complicated meals I make. I bet there is no rye in Taiwan. Then again, maybe their wheat isn't genetically modified either.

I started Lingodeer again and I think Korean will go better for me this time. Rosetta Stone is free but I could not focus on it for some reason. I also downloaded a bunch of Korean textbooks so that I can maybe recreate the success I'm having with Mandarin. The more textbooks I have, the more examples I have; the more examples I have, the easier it is to reach competency with the language. Thanks to languagelearning.site, where poor people can get textbooks for free.

I have finally begun speaking in Spanish. I mean speaking fluently. I have the vocabulary in my head from my years of study; I just needed to regularly hear Spanish to unlock it. Lately I have been listening to Spanish-language podcasts more regularly. There is one about the paranormal that is fascinating, plus a horror fiction one that I am returning to. It took a while for the habit to stick, but I kept at it. Finding topics that really hold my attention has been crucial. I've done this before, but I didn't stick with it because the podcasts I was listening to were boring. Even though I need to grow my vocabulary (and thus am still a learner in some sense), podcasts for learners don't work out for me because they are all over the place in terms of topics rather than focusing on subjects that interest me.

I have a lot of regret weighing me down. I need to change the way I handle certain situations. It's not easy because I'm tired and not thinking clearly so often, plus speaking is so taxing that I don't speak up as much as I could. At least I'm not flying off the handle and getting myself thrown in jail. But I have a lot of memories that torture me because I could have done more for myself.

Well, in some cases I guess I actually couldn't have done more because I didn't quite understand what was happening. The most painful thing about autism is being blindsided by sociopathy due to not understanding or recognizing the sociopathy. These situations have come back to haunt me now that I've enough experience with this kind of behavior to recognize what was happening. I don't lack "social skills;" sociopathy is just alien to me, there was no way for me to anticipate it without direct experience with it. That's a good thing; it should be the norm. But the behavior of non-autistic people is taken for granted no matter how damaging and antisocial it is.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I think about killing myself every day. Nothing good enough ever happens to make that go away.

There's an interesting political movement called CalExit. The goal is for California to leave the United States and become its own country. It seems like a good goal. The idea has been around for a while; I wasn't much interested in it before but now that Trump is president, it seems much more appropriate. I'm pretty sure that California always votes Democrat (in recent history, anyways), and for us to be saddled with such a garbage president, one that we didn't even want, is a bit much. A Republican president is one thing, Trump is another thing altogether. Now he's trying to interfere with California keeping its air clean.

If California does exit, I could leave the United States without ever actually going anywhere. Which is merely amusing. Unless other things seriously change, we'd still have a homelessness problem and a housing problem at the least. Newsom would probably nip the gun rights bullshit in the bud, but I don't know whether he'd still be governor at that point. I'd vote to leave just to get rid of gun rights. But we'd still have a crime problem, and there'd be pushback on the gun rights issue because of it. And we'd still have insane, loud, self-centered, violent, and aggressive people. We'd still have Americans. A culture change would take generations. Newsom I think is also crazy for trans shit and would be willing to put womyn in harm's way. Jesus Christ I'm tired of the transactivist community and its endless whining about how the world owes it to them to validate their "identities." Somehow I see more about the validation of identities than I hear about this supposedly marginalized community being unfairly fired, assaulted, murdered, or suffering any real marginalization at all. And ye gods, continually pretending that they're on the verge of genocide.

In the piece, Hochman endorses former President Trump’s extremist proposal to eliminate trans people from society: a ban on gender-affirming care for all trans people—kids and adults, legislation to declare that there are only two genders that are assigned at birth, immediately ceasing all funding for any federal program that recognizes that trans people exist, outlawing federal funds from going toward gender transitions and a private right to sue doctors who provide gender-affirming care.

The society proposed by Trump and Hochman is not one in which trans people can exist in any capacity. It’s a fundamentally eliminationist proposal, akin to taking Raid to millions of American trans lives.


https://xtramagazine.com/culture/conservative-media-agenda-trans-245685

That article was linked in a letter to the editor in Stanford University's newspaper, apparently to back up the letter-writer's claim that "anti-trans sentiment" across the world amounts to genocide:

https://stanforddaily.com/2023/03/05/letter-to-the-editor-in-defense-of-the-trans-agenda

Not anti-trans action but merely anti-trans "sentiment."

I need to stop reading this paper; it's a waste of my time (and not particularly because of this article).

It's funny how lack of non-medically necessary medical procedures and the existence of laws concerning the meaning of gender constitute genocide. I thought trans people were supposed to be "valid" (and therefore exist) whether they medically transition or not? And what happened to all the trans people that supposedly "always existed" throughout history, before these medical procedures, federal funds/programs, and so forth existed? How did they exist without all the stuff that trans people supposedly need to exist?

Why am I talking about this shit again. The trans activism community is just a bottomless goldmine of bullshit.

I guess I'm now advanced enough in Mandarin to start listening to podcasts. It's a beginner's podcast, but it's a podcast.I wanted to start with Learn Mandarin with Miss Lin, but I need transcripts to follow along with and learn new vocab from the audio, and Miss Lin seems to provide transcripts for her Youtube channel only, and I no longer consume Youtube content. Or maybe I just don't know where to find the podcast transcripts. So instead I'm starting with an easier podcast called, unimaginatively, Learn Taiwanese Mandarin Podcast. I've been listening to the first episode, and I can understand quite a bit of the vocab at least with no transcript. Something about the podcaster's tempo makes understanding full phrases difficult, however.

Most of the female Mandarin speakers I've listened to have very high-pitched voices. Sometimes it sounds downright unnatural. This is true of the audio that comes with two of my textbooks, my new podcast, the videos on the Taiwan Center for Mandarin Learning website, and the Taiwanese presenter of the Easy Mandarin channel on Youtube. I find it unpleasant and I'm a little concerned about subconsciously picking up a habit of speaking in a high pitch because I rely heavily on imitation for proper pronunciation. I prefer to listen to men's voices.

I'm still wasting hours per day with drowsiness, it's just not as bad as before and it doesn't make me feel as terrible. I want to go back to going out before sunrise. Today I couldn't even walk the track because I was too bothered by another walker continually moving in my peripheral vision. I can't find the time or energy or cognitive function to properly search for a job. I have one that I need to take a test for when I get my credit card, but I have no other possibilities in mind. I don't really know what to do because I'm still too disabled to work. Previously I had just sort of given up. I've wondered why I gave up, and now I'm at the point that I remember why: this job search seems kind of pointless. Actually, I was much more disabled before; I have less brain fog and more energy now. I still can't handle a full-time job, however. I don't want to waste employers' time by applying for jobs I cannot hack but what else can I do except keep living the way I am now, on welfare plus less than two hundred bucks per month?

I abruptly woke up from the middle of a dream this morning. Why? This isn't normal. I don't remember hearing anything; if there was a loud noise, it happened only once. I have no insight into the cause of my insomnia.

Every day I think to myself that I'll do Rosetta Stone Korean, and every day, I fail. I just re-started a lesson a while ago, but I'm going to abandon it because I'm too sleepy to think or remember any of it. The lessons are long, so remembering is important. Does that sentence even make sense? I'm strugglig to think of why long lessons make remembering important.

Now that I'm having no caffeine except a cup of green tea each day, my sex drive has cooled off. I'm closer to where I was before: feeling like being attracted to anyone would be difficult. It's good and it's bad and it also doesn't really matter.

I started a new Spanish podcast today and I understand maybe half of it. The speed is the issue. So many years I've wasted failing to progress in my language skills. I didn't know what to do after I left school. Then I gave up after I was diagnosed with auditory processing deficit. And now I'm back at it.

Ten o'clock is too late to go to bed.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I took a long walk in the sun this afternoon and I feel that I'm going to sleep well because of it. I mean that I feel quite drowsy, the healthy and normal drowsiness that leads to sleep, not the one that comes from insufficient sleep.

Note to self to go for an afternoon walk everyday. Merely sitting in the sun doesn't cut it. So I don't know what kind of job I'm going to hold if I need an afternoon walk everyday.

Today was cleaning day and I actually got a substantial amount of cleaning done for once. I feel good about that.

I tried to take my afternoon walk on the track. I wanted to try drilling Mandarin sentences on the smartphone while walking since I don't really have to watch where I'm going on the track. But there was construction going on at the school, so the area was too loud. I tend to neglect my Mandarin sentences so I'm trying to find ways to fit them into my day. They very much aide the development of fluency.

I wish there was a job I could get with my Mandarin skills, well, when I become more fluent anyhow. Aside from doing something I want to do and the small chance that I may go to Taiwan after all one day, I'm sort of wasting time. Learning to read Chinese is a bear of a task, and developing listening comprehension isn't easy either given that so many of the "words" sound alike.

I think I had hot flashes last night. I felt warm inside my body but the surface of my skin was still cold.

I can't with these goddamned modern novels; reading them is like reading children's books. I got bored with Dean Koontz' simple writing style and went to the library for a Stephen King novel today. Except for It, all the books available were newer King works. I read the summaries and they all sounded rather boring. Plus I wasn't actually in the mood for Stephen King's writing style, which is also rather simple. I picked out a sci-fi novel instead. I hope it's readable.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I'm back on vitamin b6, so my energy levels should be more normal from now on. I run out of supplements and then sometimes forget to buy more because I don't have the money at the time I run out, then I get bogged down in fatigue and brain fog. B6 is excellent for energy so I should definitely be on it regularly.

Today was a good day. I got a decent amount of sleep, I was reasonably energetic after I got up, my morning workout was productive, and I wasn't horribly drowsy afterwards.

It seems that I sleep better with no electronics in the bedroom. I suspected this before, and my sleep improved once I moved my alarm clock out of the bedroom, but I need to know the time when I wake up (always too early) so that I can decide whether to get up or try to get back to sleep, so I bought a second alarm clock and had it in the bedroom up until last night, when I had the best night's sleep I've had in a while.

I finally got another dermatology appointment today, so countdown until my next skin treatment and until my pih FINALLY fades entirely. I thought I could do it myself with skin peels, but I guess I was wrong. I've wasted a whole year waiting for my skin to improve.

I got a Spanish-language book about Korean. Spanish non-fiction is so much easier for me to read than fiction. I feel like my Spanish literacy is super low when I try to read fiction. Well, I guess it is super low; given that reading non-fiction is facilitated by the many words that are similar to their English equivalents, non-fiction is perhaps not the best measure of literacy, not for a native English speaker anyhow.

'Why do you care about other people's bodies?' That's a question I see whenever the topic of overweight Americans comes up online. Well if they're just a bit chubby, I don't care. But if a significant subset of the population is so large that it impacts their health, that's A. depressing because it's clearly (visually) abnormal, it's a sign of a garbage culture, and they're going to suffer and suffer needlessly, and B. they're that much less likely to attend to their responsibilities, such as their jobs, raising their kids, etc. which we as a nation all rely on each other to do. It's no different than shitloads of people being ill or injured; it's just sort of a slow motion version.

And then there are less salient things, like nurses getting injured trying to care for their morbidly obese patients. Or maybe those are just stories. Probably not.

Shit. Just got off the phone with my sister. Her shady apartment management raised the rent with a couple weeks notice and she just left because she couldn't afford it. Now she's blowing her money on a motel. And our piece of shit mother, after leeching off her for years, suddenly up and got a job so that she could move into senior housing. She's working towards abandoning my sister to homelessness instead of staying to help her pay for the motel or a new apartment. What a trash human being.

I hope I won't be up all night because of that B6. I cannot remember the dose I used to take, and there have been several occasions on which I had too much and did not sleep. Idiots put it in sleep medication now.

I don't like to think about how regular working people survive here in the bay area. Rent is so damned expensive. It's depressing.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
Tomorrow is my first endocrinology appointment; depending on how it goes, I'll consider seeing a psychiatrist. Maybe a wonky endocrine system is the cause of my problems. Shit, I just rememebered that I haven't filled out any of the forms they sent me.

I requested my dermatology referral today. During the check-in, I was told that I'm due for a mammogram. Christ I've gotten old. I don't want anyone or anything touching

Anyways, I said I'd do it at some other time. It's another appointment for which I'd have to travel out of town, and those types of appointments are tiring and time-consuming, so I'm not looking forward to having another one anytime soon.

I need to rapidly improve my Korean so that I can graduate from the master's program in a timely fashion. I don't want to have to take introductory Korean language courses at the same time as the core asian studies courses. I'm going to try to finish all five levels of the Rosetta Stone course before the end of this year. That'll put me at low-intermediate level. Also I'm going to barrel through Pimsleur Korean just because getting in some extra practice while walking is so convenient. Even if I never manage to remember how to pronounce these 3- and 4-syllable verb forms, the speaking practice and the vocabulary review are valuable. Another annoying thing about Pimsleur Korean is that the pronunciation continually switches back and forth (I'm guessing it's pronunciation from two different parts of the country); I'm just going to ignore that shit and stick to one type of pronunciation when I respond to the prompts.

I wonder how long it'll take before the Korean spoken in N. and S. Korea diverge to the point of mutual unintelligibility. So long as N. Koreans remain isolated, their language isn't going to keep pace with that of S. Korea.

Tonight is going to be another forced workout. They are psychically painful because my body is crying out for sleep, not even awake enough to focus on a workout, but it's not bedtime yet and I wouldn't be able to sleep just now even if I wanted to. The one third of an extended-release melatonin pill worked last night...but I still woke up too early. Same thing that always happens, no matter how well I sleep. It's supposedly a sign of depression, waking up too early. I can only hope that's not the case for me because I'm not taking any more goddamned meds and I don't have a lot of power over how depressing my life is.

Maybe I'll be able to find someone to talk to at the university, but I've had so many unpleasant and/or unsatisfying social interactions that I'm very wary of approaching anyone. I'm better off trying to meet someone local online. Online is the low-effort way of vetting people.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I need a new can opener. The cheapest one I've found in town so far costs almost seven dollars. The most expensive costs twenty-seven dollars. I don't understand why can openers are so expensive now. I've noticed the price climbing over the years, but the average of about fifteen dollars now just seems insane.

I tried starting Pimsleur Korean again. It is maddening. Not enough grammar is taught to enable retention of the long verb forms, which are impossible to remember even with all the repetition. I probably won't even continue with it, let alone finish it. This is the old Pimsleur, which was sold on CDs and is now available free/bootleg online; the new Pimsleur might be better, but it must be streamed from the website (or downloaded to a smartphone, an ungainly device which I'm not going to bother walking around with), so it's far less convenient to use. I'll stick with Rosetta Stone and resubscribe to Lingodeer if I feel the need for more input. I dislike English-language instruction anyhow.

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. I'm no longer having mood swings, but I've had a couple of scary episodes of intense doom and despair that felt like they didn't even come from my mind. When I think about dying, it's comforting; when this seemingly alien consciousness puts thoughts of dying into my head, it's mentally painful and existentially terrifying. It can't be progesterone this time because I've been off it for weeks. These episodes always occur when it's been a while since I've last eaten, so I'm assuming they're related to low blood sugar. I looked it up online and ended up on the diabetes subreddit, where someone said that she ignored these symptoms for years but ended up being diagnosed with severe depression.

Now is a great time to talk about my experiences in therapy. There's been just one counselor who seemed truly understanding, with whom I felt most comfortable. And it was a guy. I felt that I got nowhere with the female therapists I saw, but one was like some Freudian specialist, so that may have partially accounted for her being inappropriate for me (I can recall her telling me that I was not accounting for my unconscious motivations, which was all but enraging since I've had so many episodes in which people assume that I'm thinking something other than what I say about myself).

The graduate student who did most of my first (or second?) autism evaluation (which was kind of garbage) tried wayy too hard to be empathetic, to the point of manufacturing emotions to empathize with, it seemed. At one point, she said something like, "I know this must be difficult to talk about," and I responded that no, it wasn't difficult, and, later on, she repeated here assumption that the topic was difficult for me. She wasn't listening. She misdiagnosed me with schizoid pd. Her work was overseen and approved of by a licensed clinical psychology (whom I never met). I was very disappointed with this evaluation and felt that the student was biased. But she was, after all, just a student.

So I'm going to request a male psychiatrist. I'm afraid that female clinicians put too much stock in empathy, which I do not need. Maybe the older, more experienced ones don't do so as often, but I'm wary. I need intellectual understanding and solutions, not empathy. Honestly, it annoys me when people think that their emotions can make me feel better. I have my own goddamned emotions; what do I need theirs for?

Oh I almost forgot: during my last cycle, I finally ate a little bit of menstrual blood, albeit not enough to make any difference in my iron levels. I was just sort of leveling up from licking pads. I swallowed a very small dollop of blood. I could not detect any taste. It was slimy, so I don't think I'll be doing that again.

I've been thinking about getting in contact with one of my dad's old girlfriends, a womon who raised me for a year when I was five, the year my mom abandoned us. I'm afraid she's dead or very ill, and I can't handle thoughts about death in my current mental state. Yesterday, I came across a Reddit thread about Palm Springs, CA being a gay-friendly retirement community, and the idea of people growing old gay (many of us alone, sadly) was almost too much.

My sleep is bad again; my newest melatonin is too strong, so I stopped taking it, then slept hardly at all. It's taken me days to come up with the idea of cutting the pill in half. Maybe I'll even do thirds.

This afternoon, I went to the local public library for some more free menstrual pads. While I was there, I looked for the novel Crazy Rich Asians. Surely that ought to get me on my way to an Asian Studies degree. Actually I just want some English-language fiction to read that isn't Lovecraft. Horror every afternoon is too much. I flipped through the book and found it vapid and dull. Instead, I chose Dean Koontz' The Silent Corner, a suspense novel that's probably going to have some low-key horror elements, if I know Dean Koontz. I also got a volume called Filipino Studies as my first taste of Asian Studies.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I finally decided to take a brief break from Mandarin textbooks, and I've just finished creating the flahcards for the vocab from my first Mandarin video. Actually, it's not the first; it's the first that I've ever finished, not counting a couple of simple fifteen-second videos I studied in between quitting Pimsleur and starting with textbooks. The video is only about two minutes long but includes about sixty-seven terms that are new to me, so I had to split it up phrase by phrase, with at least one flashcard per phrase, and that, along with looking up the definitions and pronunciation, took hours. That huge time commitment was a major reason why I hadn't done this sooner. Given how much of the video I could understand without looking anything up, this is a small milestone for me.

I don't know how well I'll do in terms of retaining this new vocabulary. One of the best things about the textbooks is that they reinforce vocabularly by re-using it in successive lessons, but there are no successive lesons for individual videos. I'll just have to gorge on isolated pieces of Mandarin content to increase my chances of coming across the terms again. Most of them were fairly basic, so I'll likely come across them in my textbooks.

I tried to reorder my dermatological treatment today but the prescription has expired. To get it renewed, I must get an appointment with the dermatology clinic. To get that appointment, I need to request a referral from primary care, and to make the request, I need an appointment with primary care. It's frustrating.

The company that makes my shoes is out of my size, so I'm stuck with holey shoes for a bit longer. I also was not able to find any affordable and attractive sandals. Xero shoes has some cheap minimalist sandals (minimalist shoes are the only ones I'll wear), but the ones that'll fit me are ugly, feminine colors. Xero gets on my nerves, and the loud colors for women's shoes isn't the only reason. I'd prefer to never shop with them again, but minimalist shoes are so difficult to find that I check them out on occasion. Now that I'm reminded of my previous shopping experiences, sandals are the only shoe I'd ever buy from Xero because all their other shoes, including at least one pair that were supposed to be waterproof, take on water even if there is no rain and the street is merely wet.

I need a better Chinese-French dictionary. There is a rather extensive one available on Pleco, but it costs sixty bucks. Plus using a smart phone to look up vocab is less convenient than looking it up on the desktop (where I create the flashcards that require the translations).

I am unhappy but I'm trying to focus on improving things in my life one-by-one.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
Perhaps the most frustrating thing about genderists (people who seriously use gender identity as a concept) is their tendency to project their ideology onto other people. It becomes impossible to have a conversation with them at all, let alone navigate differences of opinion, because they take for granted that "gender identity" is a meaningful concept to other people, that other people feel themselves to have "gender identities," and that people are referring to "gender identity" when we use the terms "man" or "woman."

Almost no one is referring to gender identity when we call ourselves men or women; we are referring to our reproductive sex, because that is fundamentally what "man" and "woman" literally mean: adult human male and adult human female. That isn't an opinion and it isn't an aspect of any ideology; it's a fact of the English language. It's been a fact of the English language for a very long time, so English-speaking genderists should know this. I don't know whether they are just stupid or are pulling yet another one of their intellectually dishonest tactics when they do this shit.

There is absolutely NO concept of "gender identity" aka "personal gender" of any kind in radical feminist theory. The only gender that is part of the theory is gender roles, which are socially constituted and therefore not properly considered to be any kind of personal identity. Individual people, of course, have individual experiences, perceptions, preferences, etc. with respect to gender roles, but we don't conceptualize these as any particular type of personal identity; they are merely individual experience and personality. Radical feminism isn't fundamentally about personal identity at all; it's about the sociopolitical condition of female oppression, something that applies to the masses, so there is no use for any theory of personal gender in radical feminism.

So radical feminists will never say or believe that womanhood is any sort of personal gender and that males, "transwomen", simply can or can't have it or participate in it. There is no such thing as a woman gender identity in radical feminism, insofar as "gender identity" is some type of psychological phenomenon (genderists never define it exactly). NO ONE can have a woman gender identity; such a thing does not really exist. The reason males cannot ever be women is because they are and always will be male, and are therefore excluded from the meaning of "woman". Nothing else they do, want, or think is relevant. Nothing else about their biology, neurology, or psychology is relevant. The same goes for female men; they'll never be men because they are female.

I came upon the idea for this post after an Internet search led me to a paper in which the author purports to negotiate between radical feminist theory and genderist theory: philarchive.org/archive/cohgia-2

The author fails at the outset because she doesn't understand the radical feminist theory of gender. According to her, we actually believe in gender identities but don't want to separate the woman gender identity from femalehood because that separation will have negative implications for political language:


Radical feminists retain A(s,c)
associations connecting biology and gender-category, e.g. women produce ova,
males have testicles, etc. They do so because they believe that women are
identified and thus oppressed on the assumption of their reproductive role.
Babies are assigned membership in the subjugated “woman” gender-category on
account of their genitals. If womanhood is detached from biology (or assumed
biology), then issues relating to female reproductive roles (concerns such as
contraception, abortion, tampon-taxes, childcare, etc.), can no longer be
conceptualised as “women’s issues”. Therefore, they hold that correct analysis of
patriarchal society recognises the existence of norms defining womanhood via
reproductive biology.


The "A(s,c) associations" refers to a categorization system for things related to "gender" (such as clothing and behavior), referenced earlier in the paper. The problem with this system, or the problem with the way it's presented in this paper at least, is the same problem with all genderist discourse: "gender" is never defined. So, in the first sentence of this quote, in which the author references "women" and "males" as "gender categories," the statements have no clear meaning. I'm assuming "women" here means woman gender identity. Which does not exist in radical feminist theory.

Also, radical feminists do not believe that babies are "assigned" membership in womanhood. That "gender assigned at birth" bullshit is also genderist theory, not ours. Medical staff could write whatever they want on the birth documents and use whatever terms they please to describe the child to the parents; the treatment of the child (that is relevant to radical feminism) depends on her sex, which isn't determined by language or medical authority. People have been recognizing and raising children as girls or boys (that is, female or male juveniles) since long before medical professionals existed, so this "assignment" that allegedly determines a child's future holds no weight except maybe when it actually is an assignment—in the case of sexually ambiguous infants.

The author has briefly addressed the main point I'm making in this post:


Many radical feminists see A(s,c) associations as being non-normative
matters of definition – females are defined as those with certain biological
features, and women are, by definition, adult females (Jeffreys, 2014; Reilly-
Cooper, 2015).



Anyhow, the radical feminists stipulating a definition of “woman” that
tautologically determines the outcome of a political debate is suspicious, even
when it is ostensibly “non-theoretical”. Radical feminists are better off staking a
claim in the political debate, rather than pretending that it does not exist.


This fool has the nerve to try to dictate to radical feminists how we should argue our own ideology, and suggests that we are merely "pretending" that our ideology is our ideology. There can be no legitimate debate about womanhood having a particular definition. Dictionaries and encyclopedias and everyday English usage reflect it. It's literally the reason why society at large refuses to believe that transwomen are women. Once again here is this insistant, arrogant belief that we, too are genderists; that we share genderist ideology.

*******************************************************************************************************************

Throughout this post, "male" and "female" refer to reproductive sex, just as in real life. Another ridiculous thing genderists do is construct and argue against a straw conception of sex, some sort of amalgam of reproductive, chromosomal, and hormonal sex, with genital appearance as a separate dimension. These three don't always align typically (for example, people with typical female reproductive function but atypical sex chromosomes, or reproductive females with higher than typical testosterone levels), and genderists act as if the outliers prove that sex is not a physically real thing. This false concept of sex is presumably the reason they think that sex is a social construct.

This amalgam of a concept isn't actually used in real life. Most of the time, "male" and "female" refer to reproductive sex only. Reproductive sex is the oldest (and default) concept of an individual's sex because reproductive function has been observed since humans existed (whereas chromosomal sex wasn't identified until medicine advanced sufficiently far). Therefore, reproductive sex as a concept existed without chromosomal and/or hormonal sex for the majority of human history, and presenting them as a single concept is ahistorical and therefore of limited analytical value. And this three- or four-fold concept also does not reflect how the term "sex" is used in modern times.

To reproduce, animals need certain body parts, and genitals generally do reliably match the inner reproductive organ/reproductive function; that is the connection between reproductive sex and genital/physical appearance. Educated people do not take this connection for granted, however; we know that people can be infertile regardless of having the standard physical appearance and that people can have genitals that look atypical despite having typical reproductive function, for example. We do not, in scientifically advanced societies, have conceptions of female or male biology so inflexible or specific that they are social constructs moreso than physical reality, and wherever such inflexibility exists, it's a product of scientific ignorance and not social constructionism.

Chromosomal sex is rarely referenced at all outside of medical contexts. Nobody is talking about chromosomes in day-to-day life; there's no reason to think people are making statements or assumptions about anybody's chromosomes when we say "male" or "female." The same is true of hormonal sex. We may speak of the norms of XY/XX or testosterone/estrogen levels, but educated people aren't going to be shocked at or disbelieving of or rejecting of the reality of, for example, males with low testosterone. The existence of the norms in everyday discourse does not negate the existence of the people who are outliers. And the outliers do not negate the physical existence of the norm. Sex as a human trait is not a social construct.

***************************************************************************************************************

I have not read this whole paper (nor will I, since the author is gravely mistaken in her premises), but an excerpt from the introduction serves, I think, to illustrate what I'll call feminine politics:


Generally, trans
people suffer greatly in western society, often facing harassment, discrimination
and violence, in addition to social exclusion, high levels of stress and mental
health problems (Diamond, Pardo, & Butterworth, 2011). It is therefore
imperative that we listen to, think with, and be empathetic towards trans people’s
diverse lived experiences.


The author is basically saying that we should listen to and empathize with trans people because they suffer. Empathy, a particular emotional condition, is presented as a political imperative: that's what's feminine about this, and this sort of feminine political sense is something I've complained about on this blog, one of the major things that womyn do which annoys me, that is anti-intellectual (focused on feelings rather than on the analysis of actions, whether, for example, they are just or unjust) and potentially harmful to our own political causes. (I'm using "feminine" in the sense of things taught to and expected of females as part of the feminine gender role, in other words, something that is not for our benefit and will likely have negative consequences for us.)

There's an implicit assumption that people can choose to feel empathy, but how much choice do we, people, have over our emotions? There's also the implicit assumption that emotions are proper political action. Emotions don't affect change; actions do. Womyn passively taking about their feelings rather than actually changing things: here it is again. I don't know the author's sex, and the point I'm making doesn't hinge on the author being of any particular sex: I'm describing a type of political sense which I find problematic regardless of who deploys it; however, it's something that I've noticed among womyn far more often than among men.

Political action should be focused primarily on injustices, not suffering. People suffer for all sorts of reasons that are not related to injustice, so suffering itself is not a proper prerequisite for political action. The harassment, discrimination, and violence are injustices, but high stress and mental health problems are not necessarily the result of injustice. If we extend political action to something like charity or general social awareness, perhaps we can make the argument that listening to "lived experiences" is a political imperative, but, otherwise, we're back to emotions as political action.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
The older I get, the worse my memories become. Not my ability to remember, but the quality of the memories. Because with maturity I see not only how badly I've been treated throughout my life, but have more insight as to why.

And the bars on the cage of patriarchy become ever more well-defined.

Unfortunately, thanks too my mood swing + depression episodes on progesterone, the mere thought of killing myself has become poignantly depressing, so going through with it would be rather difficult. I'd have to do it without thinking. It might also be more difficult now because I'm daily acclimating to large doses of caffeine. I've been trying to decrease the amount, and eventually I'll need to stop it more or less altogether, otherwise my menstrual cramps will become horrible again. I started back in with the baked espresso powder two or three days ago because coffee, green tea, and dark chocolate aren't doing nearly enough.

I think I've been feeling worse than usual because I let my b12 dip too low. I decreased my dose because it was high at my last blood test, then I ran out. I just bought some more today even though it would have been much cheaper to wait a few days so that I could afford the brand I usually buy. I need to get myself out of this fatigue.

I'm just biding my time. Great things are not in my future. That's not just fatigue/low b12 talking; I really believe that.

I'm closing in on a decade of insomnia. I wonder how badly my brain has been damaged.

I started Rosetta Stone Korean again. I needed a good source of example sentences and RS fits the bill, probably better than any textbook I'd be able to find. I wonder whether I can finish all five levels in a year.

Studying Korean is kind of stupid because my goal is understanding kpop lyrics, yet my auditory processing issues are such that I can often barely understand lyrics in English, my native language. Picking up Korean lyrics will be next to impossible in many if not most situations. But I guess I'll keep trying anyhow. It'll be interesting to see how well I can understand. Stopping my momentum now is too difficult anyways. Continuing is easier.

I've been thinking about how I can get back to Czech. It's difficult to study with so little learning material, especially since I refuse to use the materials for English speakers. I need a serious revamp of my learning method, an experimental method I came up with myself that involves minimizing translation to or from any other language. The method seems to have hit its mark in that I can think fully in Czech without mentally translating to understand or express myself, but my progress was tedious and unacceptably slow, a problem significantly contributed to by my lack of textbooks.

I treated myself to a block of rye bread today. It seems that I can eat rye without the issues I have with wheat.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I just got off the phone with my VA medical provider. She says my glucose level was normal enough, not diabetic. I felt like she hadn't been listening to me because having to eat every three-five hours isn't normal to me. Migraines, anxiety, sweating, fatigue a few hours after the last meal isn't normal to me. She says that's normal, it's normal that people need snacks to keep their blood sugar up. I tried telling her that snacks don't work for me, that I normally need a meal. So she says there's nothing that can be done about it anyways. Why the hell test my blood sugar if there's nothing that can be done about low blood sugar? Surely there is treatment for diabetes, so why isn't there any for chronic hypoglycemia? I couldn't think to ask her that before getting off the phone. I don't trust her.

She also said that the size of my blood cells (which are abnormally large) suggests that something other than iron anemia might be the cause of my feeling cold. I'm to take another blood test, but not until August. I don't know why I'm to wait until August; why don't we test for the other possible causes now? I don't understand what's happening. This person's communication is not great. The onus is on me to figure out what to ask her to make sense of what she's doing, but I have trouble doing that during the conversation because she talks for so long without allowing me to get a word in and approaches topics in a weird way.

Ok, that was this morning; now it's just before eight pm. I once again spent hours researching online and have no results to show for it.

Today's topic is how much I hate non-autistic social instinct. 'Non-autistic' is probably a better term than 'neurotypical' because some of the "neurodivergent" people probably have similar social instincts. They're all non-precise terms; there's probably some autistic person who's overly interested in other people too. But it won't quite be like the interest of non-autistic people.

Much like womyn's emotional and social bullshit, it started off as just a neutral personality difference for me. Now, with half a lifetime of social experience behind me, I can see what havoc it wreaks, how useless it is, and how annoying it is. Of course it's made more annoying by the fact that non-autistic people take it for granted as the best and most "normal" way to be, and project it onto everyone else.

Leaving aside male violence, misogyny, and sexual predation, normie social instinct is likely the ugliest, most destructive force among humankind. It goes way beyond loving friends and family and healthy concern for others. It's also behind everything from bullying, passive aggressiveness, and gossip to stalking, racism, and genocide. It's all on a spectrum and the spectrum is called 'way too concerned with other people.' Not to be confused with being concerned for others. It's the force behind the inability to leave other people alone, to stop thinking about them, to stop fretting over whatever minor shit they are doing. It's like an obsession.

But it's deeper than an obsession; it's truly an instinct. Humans are physiologically weak animals and social groups have therefore been crucial to our survival. So the non-normie human ancestors died off (some of them probably killed or exiled by the normies), and we are left with this majority that sees the social world as a matter of life or death even when it isn't. But it isn't a pure social instinct; it's a competitive social instinct. The world would probably be a nice place if people were disposed to see every other human as crucial to their survival. Instead, they see some as crucial and some as threats, even in extremely shallow, low-stakes contexts such as school social hierarchies. School isn't like that because the students are young or struggling with pubertal hormones; it's because they are neurotypical. That's why the behavior doesn't necessarily end in adulthood. They can't overcome their neurology any more than we can.

Even the supposedly good aspects of this instinct become suspect when one sees it for what it is: people clinging to each other not so much out of self-less appreciation for one another, but because they feel that they will face some kind of annihiliation without others. This is probably why people continue to "love" people who are horrible, some of the reasons why they stick with abusers/develop Stockhold Syndrome, etc. There are so many sick ways in which people "love" others that I no longer take "love" for granted as something positive.

Ok that's out of my system.

Another thing I did today was watch some Korean guy spank. And it's just so interesting, almost awesome, how badly I want to blow some guy even though I've never felt that urge before. And these sensations I feel inside my vag, I don't even know what to call them. I didn't even feel anything there until I was like in my thirties. I bought toys when I was young but didn't enjoy them, felt no sexual vaginal urges or sensations. Then something changed and I started feeling the urge to have things inside vaginally. But only lately do I feel these...maybe it's like a puckering of the flesh? There's a small jolting motion that seems like it would suck in things if they found their way inside. Involuntary. A feeling of involuntary suction, that's what it is. Badly want someone inside me. It's a little scary because that leads to babies. And I'm old and learning disabled and if I had sex with an autistic guy we'd give the kid double autism genes. 100% risk of retardation for that poor child.

But I cannot actually use the term "retardation." Can't reclaim a slur that was never directed at me. Like the straights can't reclaim "queer," the entitled asses.

I don't know what's worse: the stiff clit or that empty feeling. Suctioning nothing.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
Weight-loss is like language learning: it isn't difficult, it just takes forever.

Four more pounds until my goal.

I'm really getting into this Spanish novel I'm reading. Yesterday, I read a whole chapter without stopping after the first page or two. That means I didn't look up most of the new words. I'm trying to strike a balance between enjoying myself and enriching my vocabulary so that future literary endeavors won't be such a slog. Some words I can guess because they are similar to English equivalents, but I dislike relying on that because some of those don't quite mean how they look.

The protogonist began elementary school, began it on the wrong foot after anxiety-provoking stories from his older brother about being hit with a ruler for not obeying the teacher, who spoke only English, while the older brother spoke only Spanish. At this point, the mother is pregnant with a fourth child even though the family is living in a tent city. When the two oldest aren't in school, they help her cook for the other campesinos in the encampment to make up for the mother's lack of harvesting income, and they take care of the third oldest so she can catch a nap. Seems like a busy life. Actually, I shouldn't be calling this a "novel;" it's an autobiography. Somebody actually lived this life. A sobering thought.

There's no point in wasting my life lying awake in bed, so I guess I'm going to start going to bed later. Normally, I'd be rushing to do a workout and get through my Korean flashcards before bedtime right now, so taking it easy is something of a relief. I'm curious to see whether I still wake up after only five hours (lately it's been four) if I go to bed two hours later.

I've got to stop letting my blood sugar tank. That's a major reason why I felt so hopeless yesterday. It's so difficult to do because I want to eat less than ever. I've got to keep having frequent meals and cope with my lack of appetite by making them smaller.

The French version of the United Nations website refers to women's rights as part of "les droits de l'homme," 'homme' meaning mankind. I mean they could stop referring to all human beings as men as like the zeroeth step towards their stated goal. Mindless translation I guess.

Still waiting on that check. This is ridiculous. The company will be out of business by the time I get around to applying.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
Once again I spent myself researching online without reaching any conclusions. I'm not too worried about the heat, but heat+humidity can be a bit much, and rain+wind I won't abide. I need to be able to get out and exercise; I can do it in rain, but not when the wind is blowing the rain at me. And the air pollution. Do I really want to spend my life breathing bad air? I'm demotivated. If I gave it all up now, I'd feel like a fool given all the time I've sunk into learning Mandarin.

The days are becoming a repetitive blur of too little sleep, walking in circles with the same kpop songs in my ears, irresistible dozing, Mandarin flashcards, boredom, frustration, and wasted time.

I'm reading Cajas de cartón again. It's about a family of illegal Mexican immigrants to California, written from the perspective of the youngest child. I've tried to read this novel several times but got bogged down in my weak Spanish vocabulary. I'm brute-forcing my way through it this time. Every single word I don't know is getting looked up in the dictionary I keep alongside the novel. The library doesn't charge late fees, so I'm keeping it until I'm done this time. It's not long; I should be able to finish it. I go sit out in the sun when I read it, during a break from studying Mandarin, so it's a pleasant enough time despite the drudgery of continually searcing for unknown words. It's been a few days and I just finished the first chapter today. Only about a hundred and fifteen more pages to go. I own the second and third volumes of the series, so I can take my time and I won't have to worry about returning them.

I keep forgetting that hunger/low blood sugar affects my mood. I just had a bowl of oatmeal even though I didn't want to, and I feel much better and have more focus. I have to strike a balance between weight loss and my mood and productivity.

I'm not going to abandon Mandarin; I've come too far. Or I feel as though I have. And it's been the easiest language to pick up because I have such great study materials. Even if I never go to Taiwan, I could be one of those people who founds a language start-up based on my own learning journey. I've come across several such businesses online. I'd be the only player in the market to focus on Taiwanese Mandarin. I have thought about how much more efficient character study could be if terms that share characters were taught as a group. The shared meaning would facilitate memorization. When I come across such terms, usually months apart, I look up the shared character and actually learn the meaning of the multi-character terms (rather than merely associating the appearance of squiggles with a concept), plus my ability to remember the characters is enhanced.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
Finally mailed that letter. While I was out, I stopped at the health food store, mainly for some more breakfast food. The vibrant-looking old guy I mentioned before was my cashier. Maybe he's not as old as he looks. He sure has some well-developed arms for an elderly man. Hairy arms. The body hair is starting to bother me less and I don't like it. I've changed enough already. Oh wait, I haven't really changed much at all, wasn't that my story? That I just didn't pay much attention to the little bit of attraction I felt? I'm starting to change now, then. Or maybe I'm just getting really hungry. While I was waiting for a second bus home day before yesterday, a shuttle driver pulled up and hopped out to look at a posted schedule. His shorts were unusually short and I looked at his legs. They were hairy. But I wasn't exactly grossed out. I was just focused on other things about him. His patchy haircut and retro mustache.

Neurotypical guys won't like me anyways, not even for NSA stuff. I am too retarded. They will quickly get tired of me acting weird, not looking them in the eye, making bird noises, and so forth.

The green tea is not working out. I need some dark chocolate.

I need some new books. I'm already tired of my Spanish novel, but I'm finally back in the groove of reading in Spanish daily and I want to stay in the groove. The novel is literary fiction, and, as we've already established, literary fiction is boring and a waste of trees. There's a book about Latin American drug cartels and a Spanish mystery/horror novel I want to read. I got both of them from the library but couldn't finish before I had to return them because I read too slowly.

I don't know what to do with my hair. It looks nice but it's not going to get me a boyfriend. It's too gay. I'm too gay.

I got one check in the mail but it's just for the employment test. The one I'm waiting for is the reimbursement for my phone and Internet bills, the one I can spend as I please.

I feel terrible. It's just too much. The worst feeling of ambivalence. A burden, a responsibility I've no way to discharge. There are never any answers when I put 'how to deal with misogyny' in a search engine. There are never any answers.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I hope it's because I let that part of my face get too dry. That's easy to fix. I'm worried that's it's because the ingredients in my brightening soap sensitize my skin to sunlight. My face actually isn't much brighter, so maybe I should stop using this soap. It's quite drying.

I need to stay out of the sun for the sake of my skin, but staying indoors is depressing. I'm not even out in the sun for very long each day, plus I wear a hat and sunscreen, but I'm worried that I'm still damaging my face.

I need another Korean textbook or something. The one I'm using does not contain enough examples. The bootleg PDF textbook I own doesn't give the verbs in their conjugated form, so I don't have a way to look them up (yet).

I'm planning to branch out to another dating site. After I get my next check, with which I'll buy some more brightening cream for my face; and after this cream had had some time to work and after I read the site's epic Privacy Policy (which I may ultimately reject), then I will join. Or maybe I'll join before then just to look around.

At least my weight loss is going well.

I have a scattering of grey in my hair. It looks nice. In the past when I got gray hairs, they eventually went away. They were caused by stress, I guess. But the ones I have now have been coming back for a while, so I guess this is it. I feel something like depression at the prospect of getting old with such a shitty life behind me. But the feeling is more distant and numbed than depression. It's kind of the way I felt when I found out that my younger brother had committed suicide. Almost like I'm reviewing someone else's life.

Now is that awkward time between seasons, the time when I can go to bed feeling too warm and then wake up in the middle of the night feeling too cold.

I have what looks like another burn on my arm and I don't know where I got it. Maybe it's just a bruise, since it looks like an old burn and never looked like a new burn (as far as I remember). But I don't bruise easily and I don't remember getting hurt in any way that would lead to a bruise.

Last night was the fourth night in a row with no sleep, so this evening I'm trying having my new chewable melatonin an hour before bedtime rather than fifteen or twenty minutes before bedtime.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I was looking into a graduate program at UC Berkeley when I came across some disturbing information about the incidence of crime in the city. Apparently the area around the campus has a high incidence of sex-related crimes, or a reputation of such, at least. With further research, I came across a citizen-run news source on Berkeley crime called Berkeley Scanner (https://www.berkeleyscanner.com/), which reports five shootings so far this year, about thirty last year, and thirty-five the previous year. As for the university itself, its police force has its own bomb squad, according to this story about a grenade dropped during a car chase (https://www.berkeleyscanner.com/2025/05/02/arrests/berkeley-chp-chase-arrest-evacuations-grenade-reports/). Weird. I wonder how many universities around the world have their own police squads at all, now that I think about it. It's normal to me, but I've been immersed in U.S. crime culture my whole life.

Well I definitely will not be attending this school. UCB had (has?) such prestige; it's sullied in my eyes now. I keep wondering whether there isn't somewhere, anywhere in California that isn't this crime-filled dystopia of homeless camps, but also not some remote hicksville where I'd have another asshole pulling a rifle on me or calling the cops as I'm walking to the laundromat in broad daylight. The answer is no, apparently. I should stop wasting my time looking. I'm in one of the best places in the state, right here. At least there are no shootings here. It's sad that this state is going down the toilet.

I called my friend yesterday and found out that he's in the hospital. He suddenly had an infection and had to go in for surgery. I told him about my plans to apply for a Fullbright Scholarship in Taiwan and that I wasn't quite ready to leave. He asked me why, I kind of wanted him to know why, but it was too difficult to tell him that I wanted to spend some time here looking for a boyfriend. It's still too weird to talk to him about my newfound interest. Actually I never spoke to him about womyn very much either.

Maybe there are too many assholes here and I'm wasting my time, but I know that men here have some notion of how to treat womyn, some notions about basic feminism. It's part of our culture. I have low expectations of foreign Asian men in that regard. I was reading some Philippino guy's profile the other day, and his desired qualities for a girlfriend included "submissive" and "grateful." Submissive. Most American guys would know better than to post that shit even if that is what they want. One good thing about this type of cluelessness is that I'm not as worried about these foreign guys lying about their desires and intentions; they are too ignorant to even know that they're destroying their chances with Western womyn.

In terms of crime, Stanford seems to be faring better than Berkeley, the former having mostly property crime. However, the sheer number of property crimes is disturbing: theft or breaking/entering of cars, bikes, and electric scooters is reported damn near everyday. https://stanforddaily.com/category/news/crime-news/ It's not clear how far out from university grounds this reporting extends.

Apparently I cannot eat miso anymore. I keep getting stomachaches after I have some. At first, I thought the noodles I put it in were the problem, but I rinsed them off yesterday after the first few bites and the stomacheache did not progress. This has happened with two different brands, two different flavors of miso, the same miso I was eating a month ago without incident.

Fools keep talking at me while I'm reading and while I'm wearing headphones. The property manager of my apartment complex just pulled up in the parking lot where I was sitting and said hello, I didn't respond, he said hello again, and again I didn't respond. He was standing a few feet away from me while I sat looking at an open book that I never took my eyes off of. He did something similar just a couple of days ago, asked me how I was, and I didn't respond or even look up from my book then either. Weirdly, he said "good" after that silence, as if I'd responded.

I wonder whether the anti-intellectualism of this culture has something to do with this. Maybe people think reading is nothing important because they don't value knowledge. Or they don't read themselves so they don't appreciate the need for concentration. The property manager is not a white-privileged person (unlike all the others), so I doubt that his reason is the same as everyone else's. But maybe it is, to some extent. But talking at me a second time, after I do not respond, suggests a more aggressive and deliberate form of disrespect.

A lifetime of disrespect has made me into a brooding, tired, resentful, and unhappy person. One of the reasons I don't like being around other people is that my fatigue, rensentment, and unhappiness show, and people dislike that too. One portion of society will treat people like shit and the other will get uncomfortable and annoyed with the mistreated people's demeanor and psych problems and also treat them like shit. The expectation of "friendliness" and public positivity works against those of us who've been worked over so much that we've no more friendliness or positivity in us and are no longer able or willing to fake it. To hell with them; I'm going to let my unhappiness show. If they don't like it, they can do something to make this society a better place.

I need more basic Mandarin vocabulary fast, so I've begun studying a third textbook. This one is being given away for free on some Taiwanese government website. I suspect that my second Mandarin textbook is geared more towards mainland Chinese (despite the use of traditional characters), so I'm going to stop studying that.

This third textbook is just one volume, meant to (quickly?) get the learner through the first 500 "words." I'm already halfway through it because I know most of the vocab, I'm just trying to fill in the blanks in my knowledge of the basics so that I'll have an easier time when I go back to the first set of textbooks and, more importantly, won't get bogged down in less useful vocab on my journey towards the Mandarin level I need to qualify for study in Taiwan.

The same website also offers a three-volume beginner's set of textbooks that I may quickly work through next. Then I should be ready to return to textbook number one, which started off so easy but quickly became more difficult in the second volume.

I am having a pleasant time studying Korean now; retaining vocabulary is much easier. Maybe I won't need to resubscribe to Lingodeer. I'll have to find an intermediate-level Korean textbook once I'm finished with the current one. No, I won't quite be intermediate; the book isn't long enough nor does it contain enough examples or audio. I'll have to find a more difficult beginner's textbook, go through it rather quickly (more quickly than a true beginner), then move on to the intermediate textbook.

I didn't sleep for the past two nights despite my having taken afternoon walks. I suspect that my increased caffeine intake is keeping me up at night. I moved my cup of coffee to my first meal of the day (from my second) so that my body will have more time to metabolize the caffeine before bedtime. In terms of energy, it's worked well; no drowsiness. Now I'll get to see what effect, if any, it has on my sleep.

I keep having to experiment and tweak minor details like this with my health.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I'm tired of learning Mandarin from textbooks, I'm tired of being a beginner in this language. I tried a new podcast in Mandarin this afternoon. I didn't understand much of it even with the transcript. So I'm still not ready for such things.Still not intermediate.

My OCR software is giving me more and more errors with the Cantonese output, so I'll be getting Cantonese content from MangoLanguages until I can get a proper PDF textbook (one I can copy and paste from). Cantonese textbooks are difficult to find.

I keep trying to force myself to read more in Spanish. I keep failing. I checked out another Spanish novel from the library today. It's about someone who wakes up in a mental hospital with no memory of the recent past. Most of the Spanish novels at the library are boring as hell, "literary" garbage, same as the English novels. Mainstream novels are somehow set apart from "genre" fiction, but they have their own genre: drama. They're always chock full of it, overflowing with it. But this drama isn't necessarily dramatic. There's a crushing ton of dull scenes from routine happenings in everyday life. How did this boring trash become the default sort of fiction? Or maybe it's the default only in my mind. They make up the overwhelming majority of novels in every public library I've ever been in.
disappointed_lesbian: (Default)
I am excited. I started studying Cantonese today. I made a couple abortive, exploratory, and not-serious attempts to start before, but I think I have something I can stick with this time. I was taking a break from listening to Mandarin this morning when I decided to listen to the Cantonese audio files on my audio player. This made me think of the Cantonese textbooks I have, which I was not able to use...until now, thanks to the OCR software.

I'm not going to try to speak Cantonese. The language is rather harsh to produce vocally, I don't have a reason to learn to speak it, and I'm not going to put myself through another tonal system for something I have no need for, especially not a tonal system that's even more complicated than Mandarin's. I just want to be able to understand some Cantonese. There are so many "dialects" of Chinese that I kind of feel like I need one more, just to be well-rounded or something.

Since I'm focusing on aural comprehension, Cantonese using the same characters as Mandarin won't be a problem. Simply looking at the characters while the TTS pronounces the Cantonese words doesn't seem to lead to my mixing up the Mandarin and Cantonese pronunciation (Cantonese sounding harsher than Mandarin also helps). And because I am so far already familiar with most of the characters, understanding meaning is easier and I don't have to look up so many translations.

I'm tired of bleeding out all my iron. I've considered retrieving some of it from my menstrual blood. So I licked a couple of menstrual pads, just as a test. I wouldn't have been able to retrieve much from them because the blood had soaked down into the pad, but I wanted to see whether I could even stomach such a thing. It smelled stronger than it tasted. The pad tasted salty, but I'm guessing that's the taste of some kind of daily vaginal secretion and not menstrual blood. I don't even know how I'd access enough of my menstrual blood to make a difference in my iron levels. Would eating the blood even affect my levels? I guess it should since I can absorb dietary iron, but I was wondering whether blood would be processed differently somehow since it's not food.

I'm having trouble taking my iron pills when I'm supposed to because they're to be taken several hours after and at least one hour before a meal or something like that. I'm supposed to take them on an empty stomach. Since I eat every three hours or so, the best time to take the pill roughly coincides with the time for my next meal.

I had another low blood sugar episode this afternoon, and it came with a mood swing and suicidality. This is like the second time this has happened; my low blood sugar episodes didn't used to be this way. I had all sorts of depressing thoughts, moody songs playing in my head; the prospect of ending up old, unfulfilled, unloved, and alone; memories of being young and naive contrasted with ugly knowledge having impressed itself upon me with age. It made me consider how depressing this journal might be. So I'm going to try to make it less depressing. I'm going to try to make my own mental space less depressing.

I feel fortunate to be able to join the world of Chinese speakers (regardless of dialect). Something I've started thinking about within the past few years is the linguists (trained or not) who are the first to create translation and study materials for those who share their native language; the people who go out and learn a language solely by interacting with the native speakers, because there is not yet any other way to learn. Now that is a difficult way to learn. Those of use who use textbooks and such stand on the shoulders of these pioneers. Me being someone with an auditory processing deficit, I'd probably never be able to learn in the field. My hobby is entirely made possible by their efforts and the system of publishers and audio producers and so forth, the infrastructure of the knowledge industry, one may call it.

It's super late now (ten pm) because I had to create some new Mandarin flashcards, after recovering from my blood sugar episode. I try really hard to not let a day go by without learning new Mandarin vocab, and I was running low. So far, only illness and exhaustion have interrupted my streak.

I'm thinking about consulting some sort of investment specialist once that damned check finally arrives, even though the consultation itself will probably cost a good chunk of the money. Another valuable thing I could buy is a lifetime subscription to Lingodeer (the best app for East Asian languages), particularly since they continually add new languages. It would be amazing if they added Tagalog and Cantonese (even though I don't like the sound of Tagalog). Also, I'm waiting for their Arabic course to be offered in French. I've thought about going through their Mandarin course at some point in the future when I'm no longer a student of the language, simply to learn to read simplified characters, because there is probably way more content written in that character set

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