I was going to call this post 'worst grocery day ever,' but the time I got stranded out of town and had to walk back home, on that same trail where the attempted sexual assault happened last year, with my arms burning under the weight of my groceries, was worse. I probably had a migraine too.

The bus is too noisy and shopping out of town is tiring, so I tried to avoid multiple trips by doing as much of my shopping as I could in one day. I left at just before seven in the morning today. I went to four stores and ended up with three medium-sized boxes and one grocery bag, plus the stuff I fit into my backpack. I had forgotten to drink anything until late in the day, so, by the time my bus came, I once again had a migraine starting.

I was the last passenger to try to board. The driver shut the door in my face. He said some things to me, but I couldn't understand more than a few words through the door. Eventually I figured out that, according to him, I had too much stuff to board with. I'd never had a bus driver tell me that before. I had no other way home and I sure as hell wasn't going to end up stranded in a different town while fifty dollars worth of food went bad. He was busy negotiating something with the second-to-last passenger, so I parked my stuff at the curb, moved in front of the bus, and pulled down the bike rack. He said no and shook his hand at me. I tried to yell through the front window that he wasn't going anywhere without me, but my voice maybe didn't carry well. He called someone, probably dispatch. And dispatch called the police, apparently.

I had been standing in the same spot in front of the bus for maybe fifteen minutes when a local police officer arrived. He asked me what was going on and I said the driver was going to strand me there. He spoke to the driver briefly and then came back to me. He told me that I had to get out of the road (we weren't actually on any public road; we were in the "transit mall," a one-block stretch where only buses and pedestrians are allowed. I wasn't blocking any traffic whatsoever except that one bus.) He said that it was against the law. So I had to give up or be arrested. Honestly, it burns me up to think about it. Part of the reason I had so much stuff is the bus being so exhausting. Nothing can be done about the sound of the motor, but the drivers don't enforce the no cell phone policy, and the cell phones are worse than the motor. I know they probably cannot hear the cell phones sometimes, but I doubt they enforce the policy even when they can. Plus their paratransit services don't accommodate my disability. So I tried to ameliorate the situation for myself and this was the result. I'm just continually running into walls trying to live with auditory sensitivity. How do I live? In continual stress and poverty, I guess.

I wonder whether I can sue the bus company. I took down the bus number and the police officer's name and badge number just in case, even if I just make a complaint. At first I couldn't think of a good reason to ask for money other than pain and suffering. Then it hit me: a bicycle. So I can bike that trail instead of relying on the bus. Plus a cart I can attach to the bike to carry my groceries in. I'm not sure how good my case is, though. There is a lawyer who offers free advice in the library; I could ask that person. As far as I know, the policy concerning the amount of baggage passengers can bring is not posted.

Well. I got plenty of exercise today. And ate very little. It's a good thing I picked up an energy bar from the last store I was at, otherwise I might have felt even more ill. I had fruit with me, but no fat or protein. I waited for the next bus, hungry, tired, with a migraine, wearing a soaked pad. The next driver was suspicious and said that I couldn't board with a dolly. But I wasn't pushing a dolly; I had my boxes piled on top of a small basket. I explained that it folded up and he let me on. If the first driver had spoken to me, maybe the same thing would have happened.

I didn't have the energy to walk all that stuff back to my apartment, so I had to wait until the local shuttle made its loop around town before I finally got home, about ten and a half hours after I'd left. That was just over an hour ago; bedtime is in one hour. My whole day is gone. I wonder how much my grocery bill would be if I did all my shopping in town.

I finally got a decent amount of sleep last night. This new melatonin I have is supposed to be taken at bedtime, but my digestion is off and I have to take it before then to feel the effects by bedtime. I didn't expect that with a chewable supplement.

I spent too much money at the dollar store today, but I needed cleaning supplies. I just bought a sponge last month and it was ruined weeks ago, or, at least, I have no idea how to clean hair off of it. It won't rinse off and the hairs are too short to pull off. They're basically embedded in the sponge. I also stopped at the hardware store and bought some better quality cleaning supplies, some washclothes that I can wash hair out of, the kind that won't end up ruined by lint. Plus I had forgotten my prescription ibuprofen, so I bought ibuprofen so that I could finish my shopping without being in pain, plus I bought some nuts because I have to take the ibuprofen with food or it'll hurt my stomach. Going shopping is just a huge event.

Yesterday while grocery shopping, I found a humidifier at a thrift store. I went back and bought it today. On sale at half off, it cost me just ten dollars. I was happy.

Then I got it home and couldn't figure out how to get it to work. The paper directions in the box and the instructions on the box lid weren't much help. I had to look it up online to figure out that a crucial piece is missing. I ended up on the manufacturer's website, and I'm not sure they sell that piece. Even if they do, by the time the piece arrives by mail, my return window will have closed and I'll be out of ten bucks if the humidifier doesn't work even with a new part. I have only like sixty bucks right now.

There is at least one interest that I hate more than an interest in people/emotions/drama: interest in cars. There was a guy on the bus ride home today who would not shut up about cars. We as passengers are not even supposed to talk to the driver while the bus is moving; there's a sign up above the driver that says so. I wonder how many other people have even noticed that sign. What's demotivating is that the drivers never enforce the rule; they usually participate in the conversation. I'd prefer that they focus on the road.

Sports obsession and car obsession are two typical guy things that I absolutely loathe. I can't think of any interests I hate more. Especially when it comes to being obsessed with other people playing sports. Like, get your own life/hobby/exercise. Who cares whether other people can run/throw/hit things? Someone who plays a sport himself can learn something as a spectator or at least watch his sport from a position of primary understanding, but ham planets who couldn't mount a flight of stairs without having an asthma attack bellowing about "my team" when somebody on TV makes a goal? is a new kind of cringe. In my mind there's too much of a disconnect between being super interested in a sport and being unable to play it oneself at even the most basic level. Like how does continually watching athletes not remind them of being horribly out of shape?

As for playing sports oneself, I can understand that exercise feels good and that strategizing a game can be engaging, but I can't relate at all to the competition aspect nor the team aspect of some sports.

And the stadium/lockerroom full of the testosterone stink of dozens of sweaty males, I don't know how they can bear it. Once in boot camp, my unit was led into the men's barracks for a lecture or something, and the odor was like nothing I ever had or have since experienced. This wasn't while they were exercising; it was after morning exercise, after we'd all showered and breakfasted. But there was clearly more than one day's worth of funk lingering in the air anyhow.

This was an experience that helped cement in my mind how revolting and unattractive men were. Handsome and pleasantly dressed/groomed though they may be, to get physically intimate with one of them was to be bombarded by odors alien in their intensity and bodily fluids alien in that they spurt out of the body. I'm still not sure about that shit. From a couple of sources I've heard that east Asians don't smell as strongly, but they still spurt. We'll see, we'll see.

What's creepy is when guys glance at a car and immediately know the make, model, sometimes even the goddamned year of manufacture. Like, yeah, it's autistic to have that database of largely useless details in their heads, but it's in the creepy autistic traits department, from my perspective.

Maybe I only really like systematizing when it comes to academics and puzzles.

been getting after bowel movements. I called the advice nurse. After asking me a ton of questions, she transferred me to a nurse to schedule a medical appointment. I think the advice nurse line is using some kind of new triage software that tells them what to advise based on patient answers. My answers apparently indicated that I needed an appointment withen 8 hours. So that's what I got.

I could have rushed to get on the next bus out of town, but it was early and I would have had at least an hour to wait, which is a pain to do away from home because I get bored, hungry, cold, and generally uncomfortable. So I took the next bus. It arrived very late. Then the second bus, the one that goes to the hospital, was also late. This bus was so late that the bus that was going to leave for the hospital after it showed up before it, and I mistook that bus for the next bus and ended up being another 5 minutes late. By the time I got to the hospital, I was twenty minutes late and the hospital was about to close.

I went in and started to reschedule the appointment, thinking that I should use my other doctor/health insurance instead because the hospital is so difficult to get to (it's at the edge of town one town away from where I live). My provider had no appointments available until October. So I gave up and asked about getting my medical records (to take to my other provider). I was given a form and told that the hospital (which was closing in 5 minutes) was the best place to submit it to. Apparently medical release forms tend to get lost if mailed. Ridiculous. I'm not going all the way back there to submit a damned form. It's amazing how inconvenient care is at that place.

Fortunately, I have an appointment at my other clinic tomorrow. I'm going to bring up the cramps and try to transfer care for my IBS issues. It might be awkward because I've already told my provider at this place that I get IBS care somewhere else. And because they'll want medical records. Which are a pain to get and take forever to arrive. I did order some before. I'll see whether I can find them. Shit, I'll have to look tonight.

Tonight. Last night was another sleepless night. It has occurred to me that I'm fighting my own body. I never want to take my melatonin as early as I do. I hate waiting around, doing nothing and being extremely sleepy yet unable to fall asleep during the hour between quitting screens for the day and going to bed. My daily schedule, all the little sleep hygiene tasks I need to do are such a pain, and they aren't even working anymore.

Maybe the sun lamp doesn't work as well as I thought it did. The more I use it, and the less time I spend in the sun, the more sleepless nights I have. Or maybe, now that summer is nearly over and the sun sets earlier, I've been using the lamp too late. As soon as I lay down, I feel wired, like I've had caffeine too late in the day. But I've been having caffeine mostly early in the morning; yesterday, I had it at 1 PM, which has usually been early enough to not interfere with sleep.

I don't know what to do tonight. Although I used the lamp, I got no sun early in the day, so maybe I won't sleep if I go to bed at 11:30 pm like I've been doing; maybe I should skip forcing myself to start preparing for bed so early and should go to bed later. But I also stopped using the lamp earlier today, and maybe that's the trip I need to go back to falling asleep at 11:30.

It's very important that I decide when to go to bed, because choosing a time too early means another night of zero sleep. There's no falling asleep eventually after lying in bed for a while, there's no getting up and then being able to sleep after going back to bed later. My choice makes or breaks the whole night.

I decided which country I'm going to try to emigrate too. Now I need to research the culture more and start learning the language. I'm not looking forward to the workload of yet another language. Even though I have identified a target job in the country, I must also try to find online work to supplement my income and/or provide a safety net for myself. As someone who hasn't been able to work in years, this is an incredibly risky endeavor. But so is staying here. I'm miserable, I don't feel safe, I might kill myself over the prospect of being stuck here forever. The noise pollution is sucking the life out of me and I hate our culture. I don't have the money or clout to move somewhere nicer. I'm looking forward to being ignored in my new country.

I looked at myself in the mirror today (something I've been avoiding), and it looked like I've finally lost some weight. My basketball shorts do feel a bit looser. The number on the scale is still sky-high, even adjusted for an intestinal system full of crap. I don't know what to make of that. The idea that it's "water weight" is laughable since I feel dehydrated so often.

I think I'll try taking melatonin an hour later. I'll take it with a hot drink so that it can sort of melt and be absorbed more easily. No, even better, I'll chew the pills and open up the capsule. That should expedite absorption. Probably something related to IBS is why the stuff takes so long for me to digest.