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disappointed_lesbianI just got off the phone with my VA medical provider. She says my glucose level was normal enough, not diabetic. I felt like she hadn't been listening to me because having to eat every three-five hours isn't normal to me. Migraines, anxiety, sweating, fatigue a few hours after the last meal isn't normal to me. She says that's normal, it's normal that people need snacks to keep their blood sugar up. I tried telling her that snacks don't work for me, that I normally need a meal. So she says there's nothing that can be done about it anyways. Why the hell test my blood sugar if there's nothing that can be done about low blood sugar? Surely there is treatment for diabetes, so why isn't there any for chronic hypoglycemia? I couldn't think to ask her that before getting off the phone. I don't trust her.
She also said that the size of my blood cells (which are abnormally large) suggests that something other than iron anemia might be the cause of my feeling cold. I'm to take another blood test, but not until August. I don't know why I'm to wait until August; why don't we test for the other possible causes now? I don't understand what's happening. This person's communication is not great. The onus is on me to figure out what to ask her to make sense of what she's doing, but I have trouble doing that during the conversation because she talks for so long without allowing me to get a word in and approaches topics in a weird way.
Ok, that was this morning; now it's just before eight pm. I once again spent hours researching online and have no results to show for it.
Today's topic is how much I hate non-autistic social instinct. 'Non-autistic' is probably a better term than 'neurotypical' because some of the "neurodivergent" people probably have similar social instincts. They're all non-precise terms; there's probably some autistic person who's overly interested in other people too. But it won't quite be like the interest of non-autistic people.
Much like womyn's emotional and social bullshit, it started off as just a neutral personality difference for me. Now, with half a lifetime of social experience behind me, I can see what havoc it wreaks, how useless it is, and how annoying it is. Of course it's made more annoying by the fact that non-autistic people take it for granted as the best and most "normal" way to be, and project it onto everyone else.
Leaving aside male violence, misogyny, and sexual predation, normie social instinct is likely the ugliest, most destructive force among humankind. It goes way beyond loving friends and family and healthy concern for others. It's also behind everything from bullying, passive aggressiveness, and gossip to stalking, racism, and genocide. It's all on a spectrum and the spectrum is called 'way too concerned with other people.' Not to be confused with being concerned for others. It's the force behind the inability to leave other people alone, to stop thinking about them, to stop fretting over whatever minor shit they are doing. It's like an obsession.
But it's deeper than an obsession; it's truly an instinct. Humans are physiologically weak animals and social groups have therefore been crucial to our survival. So the non-normie human ancestors died off (some of them probably killed or exiled by the normies), and we are left with this majority that sees the social world as a matter of life or death even when it isn't. But it isn't a pure social instinct; it's a competitive social instinct. The world would probably be a nice place if people were disposed to see every other human as crucial to their survival. Instead, they see some as crucial and some as threats, even in extremely shallow, low-stakes contexts such as school social hierarchies. School isn't like that because the students are young or struggling with pubertal hormones; it's because they are neurotypical. That's why the behavior doesn't necessarily end in adulthood. They can't overcome their neurology any more than we can.
Even the supposedly good aspects of this instinct become suspect when one sees it for what it is: people clinging to each other not so much out of self-less appreciation for one another, but because they feel that they will face some kind of annihiliation without others. This is probably why people continue to "love" people who are horrible, some of the reasons why they stick with abusers/develop Stockhold Syndrome, etc. There are so many sick ways in which people "love" others that I no longer take "love" for granted as something positive.
Ok that's out of my system.
Another thing I did today was watch some Korean guy spank. And it's just so interesting, almost awesome, how badly I want to blow some guy even though I've never felt that urge before. And these sensations I feel inside my vag, I don't even know what to call them. I didn't even feel anything there until I was like in my thirties. I bought toys when I was young but didn't enjoy them, felt no sexual vaginal urges or sensations. Then something changed and I started feeling the urge to have things inside vaginally. But only lately do I feel these...maybe it's like a puckering of the flesh? There's a small jolting motion that seems like it would suck in things if they found their way inside. Involuntary. A feeling of involuntary suction, that's what it is. Badly want someone inside me. It's a little scary because that leads to babies. And I'm old and learning disabled and if I had sex with an autistic guy we'd give the kid double autism genes. 100% risk of retardation for that poor child.
But I cannot actually use the term "retardation." Can't reclaim a slur that was never directed at me. Like the straights can't reclaim "queer," the entitled asses.
I don't know what's worse: the stiff clit or that empty feeling. Suctioning nothing.
She also said that the size of my blood cells (which are abnormally large) suggests that something other than iron anemia might be the cause of my feeling cold. I'm to take another blood test, but not until August. I don't know why I'm to wait until August; why don't we test for the other possible causes now? I don't understand what's happening. This person's communication is not great. The onus is on me to figure out what to ask her to make sense of what she's doing, but I have trouble doing that during the conversation because she talks for so long without allowing me to get a word in and approaches topics in a weird way.
Ok, that was this morning; now it's just before eight pm. I once again spent hours researching online and have no results to show for it.
Today's topic is how much I hate non-autistic social instinct. 'Non-autistic' is probably a better term than 'neurotypical' because some of the "neurodivergent" people probably have similar social instincts. They're all non-precise terms; there's probably some autistic person who's overly interested in other people too. But it won't quite be like the interest of non-autistic people.
Much like womyn's emotional and social bullshit, it started off as just a neutral personality difference for me. Now, with half a lifetime of social experience behind me, I can see what havoc it wreaks, how useless it is, and how annoying it is. Of course it's made more annoying by the fact that non-autistic people take it for granted as the best and most "normal" way to be, and project it onto everyone else.
Leaving aside male violence, misogyny, and sexual predation, normie social instinct is likely the ugliest, most destructive force among humankind. It goes way beyond loving friends and family and healthy concern for others. It's also behind everything from bullying, passive aggressiveness, and gossip to stalking, racism, and genocide. It's all on a spectrum and the spectrum is called 'way too concerned with other people.' Not to be confused with being concerned for others. It's the force behind the inability to leave other people alone, to stop thinking about them, to stop fretting over whatever minor shit they are doing. It's like an obsession.
But it's deeper than an obsession; it's truly an instinct. Humans are physiologically weak animals and social groups have therefore been crucial to our survival. So the non-normie human ancestors died off (some of them probably killed or exiled by the normies), and we are left with this majority that sees the social world as a matter of life or death even when it isn't. But it isn't a pure social instinct; it's a competitive social instinct. The world would probably be a nice place if people were disposed to see every other human as crucial to their survival. Instead, they see some as crucial and some as threats, even in extremely shallow, low-stakes contexts such as school social hierarchies. School isn't like that because the students are young or struggling with pubertal hormones; it's because they are neurotypical. That's why the behavior doesn't necessarily end in adulthood. They can't overcome their neurology any more than we can.
Even the supposedly good aspects of this instinct become suspect when one sees it for what it is: people clinging to each other not so much out of self-less appreciation for one another, but because they feel that they will face some kind of annihiliation without others. This is probably why people continue to "love" people who are horrible, some of the reasons why they stick with abusers/develop Stockhold Syndrome, etc. There are so many sick ways in which people "love" others that I no longer take "love" for granted as something positive.
Ok that's out of my system.
Another thing I did today was watch some Korean guy spank. And it's just so interesting, almost awesome, how badly I want to blow some guy even though I've never felt that urge before. And these sensations I feel inside my vag, I don't even know what to call them. I didn't even feel anything there until I was like in my thirties. I bought toys when I was young but didn't enjoy them, felt no sexual vaginal urges or sensations. Then something changed and I started feeling the urge to have things inside vaginally. But only lately do I feel these...maybe it's like a puckering of the flesh? There's a small jolting motion that seems like it would suck in things if they found their way inside. Involuntary. A feeling of involuntary suction, that's what it is. Badly want someone inside me. It's a little scary because that leads to babies. And I'm old and learning disabled and if I had sex with an autistic guy we'd give the kid double autism genes. 100% risk of retardation for that poor child.
But I cannot actually use the term "retardation." Can't reclaim a slur that was never directed at me. Like the straights can't reclaim "queer," the entitled asses.
I don't know what's worse: the stiff clit or that empty feeling. Suctioning nothing.
