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Cantonese, Pad-Licking, Mood Swings
Apr. 21st, 2025 10:20 pmI am excited. I started studying Cantonese today. I made a couple abortive, exploratory, and not-serious attempts to start before, but I think I have something I can stick with this time. I was taking a break from listening to Mandarin this morning when I decided to listen to the Cantonese audio files on my audio player. This made me think of the Cantonese textbooks I have, which I was not able to use...until now, thanks to the OCR software.
I'm not going to try to speak Cantonese. The language is rather harsh to produce vocally, I don't have a reason to learn to speak it, and I'm not going to put myself through another tonal system for something I have no need for, especially not a tonal system that's even more complicated than Mandarin's. I just want to be able to understand some Cantonese. There are so many "dialects" of Chinese that I kind of feel like I need one more, just to be well-rounded or something.
Since I'm focusing on aural comprehension, Cantonese using the same characters as Mandarin won't be a problem. Simply looking at the characters while the TTS pronounces the Cantonese words doesn't seem to lead to my mixing up the Mandarin and Cantonese pronunciation (Cantonese sounding harsher than Mandarin also helps). And because I am so far already familiar with most of the characters, understanding meaning is easier and I don't have to look up so many translations.
I'm tired of bleeding out all my iron. I've considered retrieving some of it from my menstrual blood. So I licked a couple of menstrual pads, just as a test. I wouldn't have been able to retrieve much from them because the blood had soaked down into the pad, but I wanted to see whether I could even stomach such a thing. It smelled stronger than it tasted. The pad tasted salty, but I'm guessing that's the taste of some kind of daily vaginal secretion and not menstrual blood. I don't even know how I'd access enough of my menstrual blood to make a difference in my iron levels. Would eating the blood even affect my levels? I guess it should since I can absorb dietary iron, but I was wondering whether blood would be processed differently somehow since it's not food.
I'm having trouble taking my iron pills when I'm supposed to because they're to be taken several hours after and at least one hour before a meal or something like that. I'm supposed to take them on an empty stomach. Since I eat every three hours or so, the best time to take the pill roughly coincides with the time for my next meal.
I had another low blood sugar episode this afternoon, and it came with a mood swing and suicidality. This is like the second time this has happened; my low blood sugar episodes didn't used to be this way. I had all sorts of depressing thoughts, moody songs playing in my head; the prospect of ending up old, unfulfilled, unloved, and alone; memories of being young and naive contrasted with ugly knowledge having impressed itself upon me with age. It made me consider how depressing this journal might be. So I'm going to try to make it less depressing. I'm going to try to make my own mental space less depressing.
I feel fortunate to be able to join the world of Chinese speakers (regardless of dialect). Something I've started thinking about within the past few years is the linguists (trained or not) who are the first to create translation and study materials for those who share their native language; the people who go out and learn a language solely by interacting with the native speakers, because there is not yet any other way to learn. Now that is a difficult way to learn. Those of use who use textbooks and such stand on the shoulders of these pioneers. Me being someone with an auditory processing deficit, I'd probably never be able to learn in the field. My hobby is entirely made possible by their efforts and the system of publishers and audio producers and so forth, the infrastructure of the knowledge industry, one may call it.
It's super late now (ten pm) because I had to create some new Mandarin flashcards, after recovering from my blood sugar episode. I try really hard to not let a day go by without learning new Mandarin vocab, and I was running low. So far, only illness and exhaustion have interrupted my streak.
I'm thinking about consulting some sort of investment specialist once that damned check finally arrives, even though the consultation itself will probably cost a good chunk of the money. Another valuable thing I could buy is a lifetime subscription to Lingodeer (the best app for East Asian languages), particularly since they continually add new languages. It would be amazing if they added Tagalog and Cantonese (even though I don't like the sound of Tagalog). Also, I'm waiting for their Arabic course to be offered in French. I've thought about going through their Mandarin course at some point in the future when I'm no longer a student of the language, simply to learn to read simplified characters, because there is probably way more content written in that character set
I'm not going to try to speak Cantonese. The language is rather harsh to produce vocally, I don't have a reason to learn to speak it, and I'm not going to put myself through another tonal system for something I have no need for, especially not a tonal system that's even more complicated than Mandarin's. I just want to be able to understand some Cantonese. There are so many "dialects" of Chinese that I kind of feel like I need one more, just to be well-rounded or something.
Since I'm focusing on aural comprehension, Cantonese using the same characters as Mandarin won't be a problem. Simply looking at the characters while the TTS pronounces the Cantonese words doesn't seem to lead to my mixing up the Mandarin and Cantonese pronunciation (Cantonese sounding harsher than Mandarin also helps). And because I am so far already familiar with most of the characters, understanding meaning is easier and I don't have to look up so many translations.
I'm tired of bleeding out all my iron. I've considered retrieving some of it from my menstrual blood. So I licked a couple of menstrual pads, just as a test. I wouldn't have been able to retrieve much from them because the blood had soaked down into the pad, but I wanted to see whether I could even stomach such a thing. It smelled stronger than it tasted. The pad tasted salty, but I'm guessing that's the taste of some kind of daily vaginal secretion and not menstrual blood. I don't even know how I'd access enough of my menstrual blood to make a difference in my iron levels. Would eating the blood even affect my levels? I guess it should since I can absorb dietary iron, but I was wondering whether blood would be processed differently somehow since it's not food.
I'm having trouble taking my iron pills when I'm supposed to because they're to be taken several hours after and at least one hour before a meal or something like that. I'm supposed to take them on an empty stomach. Since I eat every three hours or so, the best time to take the pill roughly coincides with the time for my next meal.
I had another low blood sugar episode this afternoon, and it came with a mood swing and suicidality. This is like the second time this has happened; my low blood sugar episodes didn't used to be this way. I had all sorts of depressing thoughts, moody songs playing in my head; the prospect of ending up old, unfulfilled, unloved, and alone; memories of being young and naive contrasted with ugly knowledge having impressed itself upon me with age. It made me consider how depressing this journal might be. So I'm going to try to make it less depressing. I'm going to try to make my own mental space less depressing.
I feel fortunate to be able to join the world of Chinese speakers (regardless of dialect). Something I've started thinking about within the past few years is the linguists (trained or not) who are the first to create translation and study materials for those who share their native language; the people who go out and learn a language solely by interacting with the native speakers, because there is not yet any other way to learn. Now that is a difficult way to learn. Those of use who use textbooks and such stand on the shoulders of these pioneers. Me being someone with an auditory processing deficit, I'd probably never be able to learn in the field. My hobby is entirely made possible by their efforts and the system of publishers and audio producers and so forth, the infrastructure of the knowledge industry, one may call it.
It's super late now (ten pm) because I had to create some new Mandarin flashcards, after recovering from my blood sugar episode. I try really hard to not let a day go by without learning new Mandarin vocab, and I was running low. So far, only illness and exhaustion have interrupted my streak.
I'm thinking about consulting some sort of investment specialist once that damned check finally arrives, even though the consultation itself will probably cost a good chunk of the money. Another valuable thing I could buy is a lifetime subscription to Lingodeer (the best app for East Asian languages), particularly since they continually add new languages. It would be amazing if they added Tagalog and Cantonese (even though I don't like the sound of Tagalog). Also, I'm waiting for their Arabic course to be offered in French. I've thought about going through their Mandarin course at some point in the future when I'm no longer a student of the language, simply to learn to read simplified characters, because there is probably way more content written in that character set
Cinnamon and Oatmeal
Apr. 12th, 2025 06:20 pmI finally slept through the night last night. I hadn't done anything differently except have some cinnamon just before going to bed. I've heard that cinnamon helps regulate blood sugar, but it didn't seem to do anything when I tried it. Perhaps it's working in synergy with the progesterone and melatonin. I will do the same thing tonight and see whether last night was just a fluke. It would be a helluva fluke given the number of years I've gone without a full night of sleep.
I am continuing to get up at three AM on the weekends so that I can have quiet time alone on the track. Joggers and walkers come along and destroy the tranquility later in the morning. People moving in either my line of sight or my peripheral vision is unbearable, plus people come and chatter in groups and on cell phones, and I can hear them all the way from the other side of the track. I want so badly to be away from people. At best, they are an annoyance, an energy drain.
I had a nice conversation with an autistic guy about his graduate program in math, but it's died out and there's not really an authentic way to revive it. The good thing about (some) autistic people is that we say what we have to say and then stop talking, but that makes getting continous social satisfaction somewhat tricky. Focusing on in-person connections would be better but...where to find them? There are gatherings for autistic people in SF, but the length of the trip is brutal, I cannot afford it, and I don't want to be part of a group full of white-privileged autistic people. They poison our community with their bullshit. I think they meet too early for me to attend any how. I don't enjoy group events anyhow. Sifting through groups of people to find one bearable one is like sifting through trash: even if I were to find whom I want, I'd still get soiled.
I found a list of more autistic dating apps. The first site I visited had some notice about exploiting user information for targeted advertising. I'm so goddamned tired of every website doing this shit. I'd rather support them with a membership. The disappointment drained the energy out of me, and I didn't even look at the other sites on the list. Shit just feels hopeless or so much of an uphill battle that it's practically hopeless. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have my insane libido to motivate me to continue searching. Plus my habitual tenacity.
My insulin sensitivity seems to have improved quite a bit. Oats used to go right through me; now I can go for hours after eating a bowl. This is fantastic because I very much enjoy oatmeal. I've tried many times to sweeten oatmeal with fruit only, and, a few days ago, I discoverd the secret: I add the applesauce and fruit juice after the oats are cooked. The sweetness is perfect, not as strong as that of processed sugar, and I get even more fruit/fiber in my diet. The insulin sensitivity (is that even the relevant biological phenomenon?) applies to food in general: for today's third meal, I was able to function on a bit of fruit and a (vegan) grilled cheese sandwich only, whereas I had to have a whole meal before. I think maybe my continued weight loss is the cause. Maybe I was too heavy even though I wasn't overweight. I certainly felt (and still feel) rather heavy.
I gave myself a good-looking haircut today, spent some tranquil time in the nearby nature reserve, got more than the three hours of walking I've set as a daily minimum, drilled Mandarin sentences, and even did some reading in French. Besides the instrusive memories, it's been a rather good day. I look better with my hair buzzed quite short on the sides, so that's the cut I'll continue with even though it's not very ladylike. I did not feel attractive when I left it longer.
My sister is struggling and I don't know what to do to help her. She is supporting her son and our leech of a mother, and rent is eating up her entire paycheck, even though our other sister has moved in to help with expenses. I thought about telling her to look for a house so that they can use my veteran's benefit of zero down payment, but what's gonna happen if they can't pay the mortgage at some point? I don't know whether the house would have to be in my name, whether it would be my credit on the line. I don't want to spend the energy to look into it. I used to picture myself having a career and thereby supporting my sister so that she could pursue her interest in music because our garbage parents did nothing for her (or any of us), but it became obvious years ago that this dream would never come to fruition. Because I am disabled, not just neurologically but socially. I'm still glad to be autistic though.
I'm going back on the iron supplement. My VA provider said I should be on it until menopause. I thought my chronic coldness might be due to something other than iron anemia because I've had it so long, and I thought iron anemia due to excess menstruation was relatively rare. According to this provider, however, the latter seems to be rather common, and not just a result of heavy bleeding, but a result of having a menstrual cycle at all. If that's true, I may as well be on the iron regularly rather than hoping to find and treat some other cause.
I have a pain in my chest from time to time, on the side where my heart is. I wonder whether stress from the shitty life I've lived is going to give me a heart attack one day.
I am continuing to get up at three AM on the weekends so that I can have quiet time alone on the track. Joggers and walkers come along and destroy the tranquility later in the morning. People moving in either my line of sight or my peripheral vision is unbearable, plus people come and chatter in groups and on cell phones, and I can hear them all the way from the other side of the track. I want so badly to be away from people. At best, they are an annoyance, an energy drain.
I had a nice conversation with an autistic guy about his graduate program in math, but it's died out and there's not really an authentic way to revive it. The good thing about (some) autistic people is that we say what we have to say and then stop talking, but that makes getting continous social satisfaction somewhat tricky. Focusing on in-person connections would be better but...where to find them? There are gatherings for autistic people in SF, but the length of the trip is brutal, I cannot afford it, and I don't want to be part of a group full of white-privileged autistic people. They poison our community with their bullshit. I think they meet too early for me to attend any how. I don't enjoy group events anyhow. Sifting through groups of people to find one bearable one is like sifting through trash: even if I were to find whom I want, I'd still get soiled.
I found a list of more autistic dating apps. The first site I visited had some notice about exploiting user information for targeted advertising. I'm so goddamned tired of every website doing this shit. I'd rather support them with a membership. The disappointment drained the energy out of me, and I didn't even look at the other sites on the list. Shit just feels hopeless or so much of an uphill battle that it's practically hopeless. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have my insane libido to motivate me to continue searching. Plus my habitual tenacity.
My insulin sensitivity seems to have improved quite a bit. Oats used to go right through me; now I can go for hours after eating a bowl. This is fantastic because I very much enjoy oatmeal. I've tried many times to sweeten oatmeal with fruit only, and, a few days ago, I discoverd the secret: I add the applesauce and fruit juice after the oats are cooked. The sweetness is perfect, not as strong as that of processed sugar, and I get even more fruit/fiber in my diet. The insulin sensitivity (is that even the relevant biological phenomenon?) applies to food in general: for today's third meal, I was able to function on a bit of fruit and a (vegan) grilled cheese sandwich only, whereas I had to have a whole meal before. I think maybe my continued weight loss is the cause. Maybe I was too heavy even though I wasn't overweight. I certainly felt (and still feel) rather heavy.
I gave myself a good-looking haircut today, spent some tranquil time in the nearby nature reserve, got more than the three hours of walking I've set as a daily minimum, drilled Mandarin sentences, and even did some reading in French. Besides the instrusive memories, it's been a rather good day. I look better with my hair buzzed quite short on the sides, so that's the cut I'll continue with even though it's not very ladylike. I did not feel attractive when I left it longer.
My sister is struggling and I don't know what to do to help her. She is supporting her son and our leech of a mother, and rent is eating up her entire paycheck, even though our other sister has moved in to help with expenses. I thought about telling her to look for a house so that they can use my veteran's benefit of zero down payment, but what's gonna happen if they can't pay the mortgage at some point? I don't know whether the house would have to be in my name, whether it would be my credit on the line. I don't want to spend the energy to look into it. I used to picture myself having a career and thereby supporting my sister so that she could pursue her interest in music because our garbage parents did nothing for her (or any of us), but it became obvious years ago that this dream would never come to fruition. Because I am disabled, not just neurologically but socially. I'm still glad to be autistic though.
I'm going back on the iron supplement. My VA provider said I should be on it until menopause. I thought my chronic coldness might be due to something other than iron anemia because I've had it so long, and I thought iron anemia due to excess menstruation was relatively rare. According to this provider, however, the latter seems to be rather common, and not just a result of heavy bleeding, but a result of having a menstrual cycle at all. If that's true, I may as well be on the iron regularly rather than hoping to find and treat some other cause.
I have a pain in my chest from time to time, on the side where my heart is. I wonder whether stress from the shitty life I've lived is going to give me a heart attack one day.
Day 1 of Cornstarch Treatment
Feb. 14th, 2025 07:05 pmI think it worked. I'm not entirely sure because I didn't fall asleep for a long time (probably because I'd had too much vitamin B6 during the day). Tonight will be a better test of cornstarch for overnight hypoglycemia.
Today's real success came in the morning: I had very little appetite at breakfast, and I didn't have symptoms of low blood sugar at the end of my walk, despite eating less than usual at breakfast. I usually feel weak and sort of overall not well at the end of my morning walks because my blood sugar is low at that point. Not today. I was hungry (though not ravenous) and definitely felt that I was running on empty, but I felt rather strong, not headachey or faint, no blurring vision or other signs of low blood sugar. I was able to increase the pace of my walking, whereas I'm usually slowing down at that point of the walk.
All this after just two tablespoons of cornstarch the night before.
I tried having more cornstarch today, hoping it would allow me to skip meals. It didn't seem to work as well. I did feel a sense of fullness, and, once again, I did not feel weak, faint, etc. between meals, but my head still felt weird and concentrating began to be difficult. I didn't feel ill like I typically do, but I was still aware that I needed to eat.
So maybe I'll finally be able to lose these last few pounds. I've been stuck at 125 lbs. for months now.
I had a phone appointment today about my constantly feeling cold. I just got scheduled for more blood tests. This time, my liver and kidney function will also be tested. These tests at least will come back normal. 99% of my blood tests come back normal. And making an appointment at the phlebotomist's is a pain in the ass because the website never works and the automated phone system can't understand what I say. So I don't want to get my blood drawn. I get blood drawn solely to rule things out, basically. Not only do almost all my tests come back normal, my lifestyle is healthy and I never have more than one symptom of the things I tend to get tested for. So I feel that blood tests are rather a waste of time, something I do simply to help medical professionals figure things out.
The other good thing that happened today is that I finally made some headway on editing the software I'd thought I'd have to abandon. I more or less wasted the day trying out similar software. This has been going on for over a week now: me searching for, downloading, trying and sometimes failing to install obscure software to fill the void left by the software that's turned out to have a critical anti-feature and an insuportable bug. I gave up trying to edit this software because I couldn't fix the build errors; today, however, it occurred to me that I could edit an earlier version, which is easier to build. And it built! I was a bit surprised. It was even easier than I'd expected. Now I just have to work out some bugs that the developer seems to have left. I very much wanted to continue working on it tonight, but it's too late now.
Today's real success came in the morning: I had very little appetite at breakfast, and I didn't have symptoms of low blood sugar at the end of my walk, despite eating less than usual at breakfast. I usually feel weak and sort of overall not well at the end of my morning walks because my blood sugar is low at that point. Not today. I was hungry (though not ravenous) and definitely felt that I was running on empty, but I felt rather strong, not headachey or faint, no blurring vision or other signs of low blood sugar. I was able to increase the pace of my walking, whereas I'm usually slowing down at that point of the walk.
All this after just two tablespoons of cornstarch the night before.
I tried having more cornstarch today, hoping it would allow me to skip meals. It didn't seem to work as well. I did feel a sense of fullness, and, once again, I did not feel weak, faint, etc. between meals, but my head still felt weird and concentrating began to be difficult. I didn't feel ill like I typically do, but I was still aware that I needed to eat.
So maybe I'll finally be able to lose these last few pounds. I've been stuck at 125 lbs. for months now.
I had a phone appointment today about my constantly feeling cold. I just got scheduled for more blood tests. This time, my liver and kidney function will also be tested. These tests at least will come back normal. 99% of my blood tests come back normal. And making an appointment at the phlebotomist's is a pain in the ass because the website never works and the automated phone system can't understand what I say. So I don't want to get my blood drawn. I get blood drawn solely to rule things out, basically. Not only do almost all my tests come back normal, my lifestyle is healthy and I never have more than one symptom of the things I tend to get tested for. So I feel that blood tests are rather a waste of time, something I do simply to help medical professionals figure things out.
The other good thing that happened today is that I finally made some headway on editing the software I'd thought I'd have to abandon. I more or less wasted the day trying out similar software. This has been going on for over a week now: me searching for, downloading, trying and sometimes failing to install obscure software to fill the void left by the software that's turned out to have a critical anti-feature and an insuportable bug. I gave up trying to edit this software because I couldn't fix the build errors; today, however, it occurred to me that I could edit an earlier version, which is easier to build. And it built! I was a bit surprised. It was even easier than I'd expected. Now I just have to work out some bugs that the developer seems to have left. I very much wanted to continue working on it tonight, but it's too late now.
Consumer Privacy & Cornstarch
Feb. 13th, 2025 05:32 pmAt this point, there have been several nights during which I slept well and kept warm, but still woke up after only five hours. This is the problem I need to solve next. My hypothesis is that I'm waking up because of low blood sugar. Five hours is about the longest I can go between meals when I'm awake, and I generally wake up after five hours no matter when I go to bed and no matter how deeply I sleep, so low blood sugar seems the likely culprit.
So I searched online for solutions to nighttime hypoglycemia and came upon a case study about a boy who continually woke up in the middle of the night with serious symptomps of low blood sugar. It turns out he had something called glycogen storage disorder, and he was treated with a mind-bogglingly simple substance: cornstarch. It seems that cornstarch provides a slowly metabolized form of glucose. This is surprising given how heavily processed it is.
I do not think that I have GSD, but I have some of the same symptoms, so I'm going to the grocery store later for a box of cornstarch. Given how hellbent I am on avoiding prescription drugs, I've come across some cheap medical treatments before, but this'll likely be the cheapest ever.
I am frustrated and disgusted with the privacy issues involved in applying for jobs. I started an online application for a job at a nearby warehouse a couple of days ago, decided the work environment would be too noisy, then tried to delete my account. I couldn't find any way to do it. I called the warehouse's customer service number twice but had to leave a message because no one answered the phone.
I got a call back just now and was told that there was no way to delete the account lol. She said that since I hadn't submitted the application, no one would view my information. Obviously that's not good enough because someone could view my information even if there was no legitimate reason to do so. I told the employee that there is a state law in place that makes it illegal for them to hold my personal information forever, and she said that I chose to create the account. The hell? Finally I asked if anyone knew how to delete accounts and was put on hold for some time. It turns out there is a third-party company managing the website for online applications; she took my username and email address and said she'd forward it to someone there to look into my issue.
These third-party companies hosting the websites where job applicants have to enter our personal information are a privacy risk in and of themselves, and they are seemingly ubiquitous. It's not easy to get around them because nearly every company wants applicants to apply online, which is itself a privacy risk. Because of my publicly posting resumes online in the past, I've found my personal information pasted, seemingly word-for-word, on at least one shady site online. It's something I'll never do again, yet it's common and widespread advice to have a resume publicly available on sites like LinkedIn. I wouldn't have even a LinkedIn profile, knowing what I know now.
I've been unable to go forward with job onboarding because companies wanted a mobile phone number. A couple of days ago, I started applying for a remote job that requires applicants to upload a video of themselves on Youtube, of all places. Youtube, which is owned by Google, which is the world leader in datamining its users.
It's like nobody gives a shit about privacy. I've brought up issues with Google and its spyware browser Chrome on at least one forum, and had people respond saying they didn't care that their searches and other activity were being tracked. Yet in many of these court cases I'm wont to watch, I see prosecution bring absolutely damning evidence just by releasing social media feeds and text messages. This could affect even an innocent defendant. Even if found not guilty, the defendant's personal life will have been put on display for the public, and her reputation may be damaged even if her communications suggest no illegal activity.
No company's tech security can be trusted. I've had banks, my health insurance company, even the federal government release notices about their users' data being breached. Just today I came across an online article about users' email addresses being leaked when you simply block them on Youtube.
The solution to all this shit is to go back to doing things offline. The solution is not to continue in an arms race with hackers. They can't hack paper records. Non-networked computer systems would also stop them. The entirety of our lives does not need to be accessible online. This is one major discomfort I have with online dating, but, being a minority with a small and dispersed dating pool, I feel that I don't have much of a choice on that front. At least the sites I'm on are low-profile.
I'm just really disgusted that consumer privacy is not more of a priority in this shithole country. Privacy policies are long, convoluted, and painful to read, and every online service has them, but who has the time or energy to read all that shit? I as a well-read college-educated person struggle to understand them, so the situation must be far worse for the millions of USians who can barely read at a twelfth grade level. Ultimately, the purpose of some these privacy policies is to simply inform users of how their data will or can be misused because we have no way to know what the company is actually doing and we have few or no alternatives besides going without the service altogether in some if not many cases.
Part of our culture is an ongoing love affair with computer-based technology, to the extent that few seem to notice or care about the privacy that they are giving or taking away with that technology. After Congress voted to ban Tiktok, a user on a tech forum I use posted about side-loading the app and there was an online article about large numbers of users suddenly downloading another Chinese social media app as well as new users flooding the Duolingo Chinese course, presumably so that they could learn enough Chinese to use such apps. I wonder how many Tiktok users have actually thought about whether Congress' concerns are warranted. Tiktok seems to be largely for morons, so I'm guessing the answer is not many.
I found a part of the Congressional Record, in which someone argued that the ban should be postponed. "The 170 million Americans that use TikTok each month will be furious when their favorite platform goes dark," was the first reason given.
https://www.congress.gov/119/crec/2025/01/13/171/6/CREC-2025-01-13-pt1-PgS87.pdf
We keep having heavy rains on food bank day. I was going to go anyways, after I hit up the grocery store, but my jeans got so wet, my head started hurting, and I decided I'd rather have the early evening to study or something rather than waiting in line, pushing a basket of food through the rain, and then waiting for the bus so that I wouldn't have to walk home, so I came home after I got my cornstarch and a bag of rice.
I feel excited about the possibilities of this cornstarch treatment. To sleep through a whole night, something I've done less than ten times in the past decade; to wake up feeling refreshed rather than dehydrated, tired, and headachey; to have more energy available for the things I want to accomplish in life.
I tend to get imaginative when there's any new potential improvement in my life, even just a new supplement. I think about being better situated to hold down a job, to buy things I need and want, to improve myself to the point that I can put forth my best self in dating and cruise the most promising dating venues, to find someone compatible and maybe finally have a deeply satisfying social experience. I've had hardly any.
But it's never been like that. It's been two steps forward, one step back, if any steps forward. It took me years to figure out that my insomnia was the cause of IBS, years to figure out what helped me to sleep, years to figure out how to manage my debilitating stomach cramps, years to figure out the skin problems I have. So much trial and error, so many days lost to insuperable fatigue, grogginess, and failed medical experiments on myself. Maybe I won't be able to muster anything more than relief when (if?) this is over. I've lost so many years to poverty and health problems that thinking about the matter at all seems that it might temper any stronger emotion.
I'm sitting here now with an aching abdomen because I can't have a full bowel movement and because I just ate and there's not enough space for it all inside me. I used some extra constipation meds earlier and paid for it with hours of cramping and a bowel that still isn't empty. And this is a moderately good day, an ok day.
After all this time, it might even feel weird, if this ever ends.
So I searched online for solutions to nighttime hypoglycemia and came upon a case study about a boy who continually woke up in the middle of the night with serious symptomps of low blood sugar. It turns out he had something called glycogen storage disorder, and he was treated with a mind-bogglingly simple substance: cornstarch. It seems that cornstarch provides a slowly metabolized form of glucose. This is surprising given how heavily processed it is.
I do not think that I have GSD, but I have some of the same symptoms, so I'm going to the grocery store later for a box of cornstarch. Given how hellbent I am on avoiding prescription drugs, I've come across some cheap medical treatments before, but this'll likely be the cheapest ever.
I am frustrated and disgusted with the privacy issues involved in applying for jobs. I started an online application for a job at a nearby warehouse a couple of days ago, decided the work environment would be too noisy, then tried to delete my account. I couldn't find any way to do it. I called the warehouse's customer service number twice but had to leave a message because no one answered the phone.
I got a call back just now and was told that there was no way to delete the account lol. She said that since I hadn't submitted the application, no one would view my information. Obviously that's not good enough because someone could view my information even if there was no legitimate reason to do so. I told the employee that there is a state law in place that makes it illegal for them to hold my personal information forever, and she said that I chose to create the account. The hell? Finally I asked if anyone knew how to delete accounts and was put on hold for some time. It turns out there is a third-party company managing the website for online applications; she took my username and email address and said she'd forward it to someone there to look into my issue.
These third-party companies hosting the websites where job applicants have to enter our personal information are a privacy risk in and of themselves, and they are seemingly ubiquitous. It's not easy to get around them because nearly every company wants applicants to apply online, which is itself a privacy risk. Because of my publicly posting resumes online in the past, I've found my personal information pasted, seemingly word-for-word, on at least one shady site online. It's something I'll never do again, yet it's common and widespread advice to have a resume publicly available on sites like LinkedIn. I wouldn't have even a LinkedIn profile, knowing what I know now.
I've been unable to go forward with job onboarding because companies wanted a mobile phone number. A couple of days ago, I started applying for a remote job that requires applicants to upload a video of themselves on Youtube, of all places. Youtube, which is owned by Google, which is the world leader in datamining its users.
It's like nobody gives a shit about privacy. I've brought up issues with Google and its spyware browser Chrome on at least one forum, and had people respond saying they didn't care that their searches and other activity were being tracked. Yet in many of these court cases I'm wont to watch, I see prosecution bring absolutely damning evidence just by releasing social media feeds and text messages. This could affect even an innocent defendant. Even if found not guilty, the defendant's personal life will have been put on display for the public, and her reputation may be damaged even if her communications suggest no illegal activity.
No company's tech security can be trusted. I've had banks, my health insurance company, even the federal government release notices about their users' data being breached. Just today I came across an online article about users' email addresses being leaked when you simply block them on Youtube.
The solution to all this shit is to go back to doing things offline. The solution is not to continue in an arms race with hackers. They can't hack paper records. Non-networked computer systems would also stop them. The entirety of our lives does not need to be accessible online. This is one major discomfort I have with online dating, but, being a minority with a small and dispersed dating pool, I feel that I don't have much of a choice on that front. At least the sites I'm on are low-profile.
I'm just really disgusted that consumer privacy is not more of a priority in this shithole country. Privacy policies are long, convoluted, and painful to read, and every online service has them, but who has the time or energy to read all that shit? I as a well-read college-educated person struggle to understand them, so the situation must be far worse for the millions of USians who can barely read at a twelfth grade level. Ultimately, the purpose of some these privacy policies is to simply inform users of how their data will or can be misused because we have no way to know what the company is actually doing and we have few or no alternatives besides going without the service altogether in some if not many cases.
Part of our culture is an ongoing love affair with computer-based technology, to the extent that few seem to notice or care about the privacy that they are giving or taking away with that technology. After Congress voted to ban Tiktok, a user on a tech forum I use posted about side-loading the app and there was an online article about large numbers of users suddenly downloading another Chinese social media app as well as new users flooding the Duolingo Chinese course, presumably so that they could learn enough Chinese to use such apps. I wonder how many Tiktok users have actually thought about whether Congress' concerns are warranted. Tiktok seems to be largely for morons, so I'm guessing the answer is not many.
I found a part of the Congressional Record, in which someone argued that the ban should be postponed. "The 170 million Americans that use TikTok each month will be furious when their favorite platform goes dark," was the first reason given.
https://www.congress.gov/119/crec/2025/01/13/171/6/CREC-2025-01-13-pt1-PgS87.pdf
We keep having heavy rains on food bank day. I was going to go anyways, after I hit up the grocery store, but my jeans got so wet, my head started hurting, and I decided I'd rather have the early evening to study or something rather than waiting in line, pushing a basket of food through the rain, and then waiting for the bus so that I wouldn't have to walk home, so I came home after I got my cornstarch and a bag of rice.
I feel excited about the possibilities of this cornstarch treatment. To sleep through a whole night, something I've done less than ten times in the past decade; to wake up feeling refreshed rather than dehydrated, tired, and headachey; to have more energy available for the things I want to accomplish in life.
I tend to get imaginative when there's any new potential improvement in my life, even just a new supplement. I think about being better situated to hold down a job, to buy things I need and want, to improve myself to the point that I can put forth my best self in dating and cruise the most promising dating venues, to find someone compatible and maybe finally have a deeply satisfying social experience. I've had hardly any.
But it's never been like that. It's been two steps forward, one step back, if any steps forward. It took me years to figure out that my insomnia was the cause of IBS, years to figure out what helped me to sleep, years to figure out how to manage my debilitating stomach cramps, years to figure out the skin problems I have. So much trial and error, so many days lost to insuperable fatigue, grogginess, and failed medical experiments on myself. Maybe I won't be able to muster anything more than relief when (if?) this is over. I've lost so many years to poverty and health problems that thinking about the matter at all seems that it might temper any stronger emotion.
I'm sitting here now with an aching abdomen because I can't have a full bowel movement and because I just ate and there's not enough space for it all inside me. I used some extra constipation meds earlier and paid for it with hours of cramping and a bowel that still isn't empty. And this is a moderately good day, an ok day.
After all this time, it might even feel weird, if this ever ends.
Short Hair is The Choice for Me
Aug. 4th, 2024 11:54 pmI cut my hair again yesterday after hours spent researching what I could do to moisturize it more. It's just too dry to do anything with when it's longer and there's nothing else I can put in it besides aloe vera, which won't make much of a difference. I was glad I cut it immediately after. I look better this way. I still need a professional haircut, however.
My face finally peeled a little bit today, albeit not nearly as much as it peeled in the humidity. I've been slacking off on the moisturizer for the past two or three days, expecting no peeling. I don't think I'll be able to rely on skin peels for much skin brightening. This evening, I bought some whitening face wash. I'm staying out of the sun. I literally have stopped going outside during the day except for quick errands or checking the mail. I do all my walking at night, and my feet are suffering for it; spreading the walking out over the day seems to cause less pain and fatigue.
I've started doing my Pimsleur Mandarin lessons again. It's so difficult to let go of all that work I've put into the language. And maybe I will marry a Taiwanese citizen who will want to take me back to the island to live. Yuck, marriage. It's only good as a path to citizenship.
I am dying of lust every other day and spending hours trying to manage it.
Yesterday I was able, for the first time in probably a year, to fit into what has been my favorite pair of pants (I'm not sure whether they still are my favorite). Weight-loss milestone. I noticed as I looked in the mirror, however, that I was unimpressed with the size of my hips and thighs. The annoying thing about losing weight to change my body shape is that I don't change shape (at first); I just become a smaller version of the same body shape. So I have a ways to go before I lose those hips and thighs and begin to look pleasing to myself.
It has occurred to me that the reason I have no desire to call or think of myself as anything vis-a-vis sexuality is because the sexuality labels hinge on the sex(es) of one's potential partners. The main lesson I've learned from this situation I'm in is that psychological compatibility is as much if not in some way more important, so thinking of myself solely or primarily in terms of sex(es) I'm willing to pair with seems shallow, incomplete, and ultimately pointless.
Also I don't feel the need to choose a word because I don't really feel like anything about me has really changed. I've always been attracted to people who are relatively hairless, not large, and not muscular. I still have that exact same attraction. I'm still attracted to the same kind of personality.
I have been trying to figure out a solution to my chronic hypoglycemia because it might be the key to me sleeping through the night. I've been skipping carbs during my last meal of the day becaus I slept a little less the couple of times I tried adding potatoes to this meal. Today I read an internet article that suggested that carbs help prevent blood sugar from dropping. Fruit was the suggestion. Fruit has a different glycemic profile than potatoes, so I'm going to try it.
I'll probably end up needing some sort of night time glucose monitor and automatic glucose administration setup.
I've found that exposing myself to my sun lamp helps curb sleepiness more than caffeine and better than caffeine.
My face finally peeled a little bit today, albeit not nearly as much as it peeled in the humidity. I've been slacking off on the moisturizer for the past two or three days, expecting no peeling. I don't think I'll be able to rely on skin peels for much skin brightening. This evening, I bought some whitening face wash. I'm staying out of the sun. I literally have stopped going outside during the day except for quick errands or checking the mail. I do all my walking at night, and my feet are suffering for it; spreading the walking out over the day seems to cause less pain and fatigue.
I've started doing my Pimsleur Mandarin lessons again. It's so difficult to let go of all that work I've put into the language. And maybe I will marry a Taiwanese citizen who will want to take me back to the island to live. Yuck, marriage. It's only good as a path to citizenship.
I am dying of lust every other day and spending hours trying to manage it.
Yesterday I was able, for the first time in probably a year, to fit into what has been my favorite pair of pants (I'm not sure whether they still are my favorite). Weight-loss milestone. I noticed as I looked in the mirror, however, that I was unimpressed with the size of my hips and thighs. The annoying thing about losing weight to change my body shape is that I don't change shape (at first); I just become a smaller version of the same body shape. So I have a ways to go before I lose those hips and thighs and begin to look pleasing to myself.
It has occurred to me that the reason I have no desire to call or think of myself as anything vis-a-vis sexuality is because the sexuality labels hinge on the sex(es) of one's potential partners. The main lesson I've learned from this situation I'm in is that psychological compatibility is as much if not in some way more important, so thinking of myself solely or primarily in terms of sex(es) I'm willing to pair with seems shallow, incomplete, and ultimately pointless.
Also I don't feel the need to choose a word because I don't really feel like anything about me has really changed. I've always been attracted to people who are relatively hairless, not large, and not muscular. I still have that exact same attraction. I'm still attracted to the same kind of personality.
I have been trying to figure out a solution to my chronic hypoglycemia because it might be the key to me sleeping through the night. I've been skipping carbs during my last meal of the day becaus I slept a little less the couple of times I tried adding potatoes to this meal. Today I read an internet article that suggested that carbs help prevent blood sugar from dropping. Fruit was the suggestion. Fruit has a different glycemic profile than potatoes, so I'm going to try it.
I'll probably end up needing some sort of night time glucose monitor and automatic glucose administration setup.
I've found that exposing myself to my sun lamp helps curb sleepiness more than caffeine and better than caffeine.
Hungarian now
Nov. 4th, 2023 11:56 pmI started learning Hungarian about a week ago. I can't clearly remember why, guess because it sounds ok and I'm up for a challenge (it has some gnarly grammar). Also because I haven't fully committed myself and can therefore easily quit at any time (that says nothing about how hard I work at it, however).
It doesn't sound as nice as Czech.
I think most if not all of my health problems stem from my chronic issues with lowish blood sugar. So today I took something of a plunge and spent thirty dollars on a non-prescription blood sugar support supplement. Thirty dollars is a lot of money for me.
If this doesn't work, there seems to be some type of prescription thing I can ask for, but getting it will be a hassle. I might try the prescription route even if this does work because I cannot afford another thirty dollars per month—–unless my improved blood sugar improves my sleep enough that I can stop buying so much melatonin. Nah, thirty bucks per month would still be a burden.
Feel like I've lost no weight. Normally I don't have to really try to lose weight as long as my diet is back on track, not until my weight gets low anyhow. But maybe I'll try a bit more. At least eat fewer walnuts.
