Males are violent and rapey.

Today was my gastroenterology appointment. I was unhappy about going because I had to leave like two and a half hours early to get there on time. I spent the extra time shopping and like a dumbass was almost late for the appointment.

My concern is malabsorption. I saw a physician's assistant and she suggested an endoscopy to check for celiac disease and something to do with my pancreas. I had a normal endoscopy years ago and wondered why those conditions wouldn't have been picked up. I also wondered why I've shown no symptoms of those conditions. She said my endoscopy may not have included biopsies, and I cannot remember whether it did. It's safer to avoid invasive procedures so I elected to do some kind of antibody test for celiac instead. If that comes back negative, I'll consider the endoscopy for the other condition. I'm also going to do a test via stool sample but I don't know what that test is for.

I rejected the colonoscopy she suggested. It's so dumb for doctors to suggest these kinds of tests based solely on family history. It should be obvious that colon cancer is a lifestyle issue. My half-sister who died of colon cancer was overweight for years and hardly ate any vegetables, any fiber. I lived with her for a while and I remember her specialty was spaghetti and fried chicken. No veggies other than some onions and maybe bell pepper in the spaghetti. I'm at like zero risk for colon cancer and I'm not going to risk getting my colon perforated for nothing.

I asked what the treatment for Malabsorption would be. She said that if I turned out to have a celiac condition, she'd prescribe a gluten-free diet. But I've been following a mostly gluten-free diet for years! That made me wonder whether eating more gluten could worsen the Malabsorption. She said yes. I've been eating wheat again this past week plus taking more and more liquid iron with no results. So maybe I've worsened my malabsorption.

The appointment was over less than ten minutes after the intercity bus had left, so I had a couple of hours to kill. I had forgotten to take magnesium in the morning, so I had a migraine building. I got a drink and an annoyingly high-calorie protein bar from the discount grocery store, which is, conveniently, a couple of blocks from the hospital, then went to hang out in the library. I wanted to walk somewhere but I was afraid my headache would worsen. I looked at Chinese children's books in the library and couldn't really read any of them. The one I could read had a horrible font and I eventually decided to stop torturing myself with it.

Half an hour before the next bus was due to arrive, I left the library for the bus depot. The day had become hot and it was super loud there because of some construction along with the sound of bus engines. I tried to read some Chinese but it was uncomfortable with the headache. A bus stopped in front of me and a woman got off with a haircut and an outfit that looked like they were from the eighties. She had on mid-calf high boots that had some cheap-looking silver pattern on them. Her outfit made me laugh. I never got to see her face but she was trim and attractive from the side and back. I tried to not get caught staring.

I ended up sitting right behind her on the intercity bus. I watched her delicious looking arms as she repeatedly dove into and pulled paperwork out of her backpack. I recognized one of the baggies in which the pharmacy distributes medication plus the medication information/instructions printout we get with every prescription. Finding her attractive made me feel mildly depressed. Maybe I didn't feel depressed; I felt grief. Grief that I cannot have what I want with someone of my own sex.

I've noticed that I somewhat try to psych myself up to be attracted to men. I look at some and try to find something attractive about them but whatever I do find is not almost never enough. The attraction is not strong enough. That's not quite true; the problem is that the unattractive parts are too many. I like them for their clothes, their haircuts, their mannerisms. I like their voices. But their bodies, when they aren't gross or alien, are mostly boring. I cannot get over the sense that there is something missing from a flat chest. Maybe the chest is the only male body part that I like muscle on.

Psychologically, I'm not really suffering much. It's my body yelling at me for sex that's the problem. And that's the reason I feel that men will do. A deficient chest on someone who is putting a hand down my pants doesn't matter. I remember now: I like men and womyn for different qualities. I cannot look at them the same way, compare them on the same characteristics. (The idea of a guy putting a hand down my pants excites me; the idea of a womon doing that does not. Not unless I imagine really hard to conjure up one who has the right disposition. On the bus I had a vivid mental image of having sex with the eighties lady but I remarked that the thought of her touching me sexually was not exciting.) But I'm still not sure that's enough to sustain a relationship. Maybe it'll never work; maybe I'm just not accustomed to looking at people the way I need to look at men to appreciate them. Maybe I'm just too gay. Maybe all the pieces will fall into place if I ever just find someone I really click with. That applies to womyn as well; I just have no hope that'll ever happen.

I had to stop for some more quick-release melatonin. I tried to go without it last night because I'd run out the night before and wanted to see whether chewing my extended release melatonin + not looking at a screen late in the evening would allow me to sleep without it. Of course that didn't work. It never works. I cannot sleep without the stuff.

My migraine didn't get terrible and I eventually got rid of it.

I've spent half the afternoon plus the whole damned evening trying to figure out how to remove background music from a podcast episode. I finally have a good solution, so now I can listen to all the podcast episodes I gave up on before.

post-mood: ok

My foot is still hurting but I went out walking on it anyways. I did a shorter-than-usual walk and it was ok although I felt a bit sore at the end and took the shuttle home instead of walking back. It felt like walking helped stretch out the muscles a good bit and I was able to resume standing for most of the day once I got home, which surprised me a bit.

My physical therapy appointment got canceled. I was glad because I didn't want to go. I'm not sure I'll feel the need to go at all but I at least need more time so I can tell whether my treatment is working well enough. I've had a couple more muscle seizures but I was again able to continue getting up with only mild/moderate pain in my inner thigh area. When I do the stretching exercise, I feel as if my muscles are never "finished" stretching. I don't know what "finished" stretching feels like but I do feel as if I could and maybe should keep stretching for longer than I do.

My new shoe heels arrived today. They are too thick but I'm going to make do with them. I'm waiting for the shoe glue to set. Maybe I will try sanding down the rubber patch.

The va work compensation person has not responded to my email. I got an automated email response about him going on vacation starting tomorrow. I sent the email on Thursday. Goddamned government employees are always on leave.

I had been anxious about finding a job in Taiwan but today while looking at the government employment site I remembered that I just need to focus on saving up a few thousand dollars, getting my passport, and applying for a chinese study visa in the near future. I can look for a job when I'm there, and that'll be much easier than trying to find one from here. So I feel a bit more relaxed.

My study of mandarin is going very well. I feel as if my aural comprehension and even my ability to speak has improved a ton in just the last week because making presentations gives me so much exposure to the language that what I'm studying quickly becomes easy to understand. Reading outdoors the same text I'm making presentations with helps a ton, however. So does listening to the same podcast while I'm out walking. I'm no longer worried about my mandarin level being good enough to begin living in Taiwan. I could use a lot more vocab but it'll come in time; I can't rush it.

I'm about ready to give up on finding a remote job. All the remote jobs involve things I'm either not qualified to do or unwilling to do. Unwilling in the sense of finding them borderline unethical or unhealthy. I don't want to help "ai" advance any more than it already has. I don't want to help anyone sell any more crap that people don't need. I don't want computer usage to become more widespread; I want society to de-industrialize somewhat. I don't want to be on mainstream social media, especially not to market shit to people.

I thought it would be great to find a job that aligns with my political interests, but even the feminist job board is filled with either customer service type jobs, senior level something type jobs, or social media marketing jobs. What has the world come to that we need to market feminism on social media.

I want a job that does not require me to be online at all. This is a problematic desire given that remote jobs suit my situation so well. Hopefully I can find something local or something that's remote in the sense that I'm just emailing work instead of having to continually be on the Internet. Wait, that makes no sense because I'd be using the computer whether I'm connected to the internet or not. I'm tired.

I spend too much time on the computer already. Studying on the computer + working on the computer probably wouldn't be good for me. And I feel so good sitting outside in the sunshine that I want more of that. post-mood:tired

My foot felt better this morning but started to hurt again once I got up for the day. I didn't sleep last night so my recovery isn't going well. I needed water and groceries so I took one of my bikes instead of walking.

Riding was uncomfortable because I took a kid's bike. A couple years ago, some lady had been putting her son's unused bike at the curb to give away just as I was walking through the neighborhood. I was super lucky because I'd missed the last intercity bus and was on my way to walking back home.

I spent more than I'd intended but I'm not going to worry about it. I eat almost nothing now so running out of food is a lot less likely. (It takes me a whole month to get through a single bag of rice, which is amazing.) I worry about affording a decent variety of food rather than affording enough. In the back of my mind, however, is the possibility of having to worry about affording enough again once I get to Taiwan, where I won't be able to rely on foodstamps. I've heard from several sources that food is cheaper there, but I think those people were talking about ready-made food rather than groceries.

Oh! Almost forgot. One hundred eighteen and a half pounds on the scale this morning, exclamation mark. And I was constipated, so I may have already reached my goal of one hundred seventeen. But there's still too much fat on my rear end, so I'm going to keep dieting. Even just one more pound of fat would make a huge difference in my physique. It's kind of amazing that I kept losing weight while snacking so much, especially on nuts and dates, which are high-calorie.

The presentation software that I got set up with so little effort started asking me for a product key a couple of days ago. The shit accesses the internet without my permission. I'm not going to give the development company my email address for a product key, so I looked for another way to create multimedia presentations. One piece of softare doesn't allow audio and the other is super difficult to use, a wrist killer. I'm not quite back to square one with my search for a new study routine. Or maybe I am and I haven't fully come to see it.

I'm very unproductive here on the floor. My body is not used to sitting for long periods of time any more and the sitting makes my lower back hurt. post-mood:in pain. again!

Still not sleeping, so I'm not recovering from all the walking I've been doing. I started getting sharp pains in my left foot on my way home from grocery shopping today. I had to get on the local shuttle instead of walking home. I was in front of Whole Foods so I went inside to check for vegan pizza. There was none. No one carries vegan pizza anymore. Disappointing. I don't really need any, however. I have leftover baguette as well as canned tomatoes and pizza seasoning, so I can make a low-calorie alternative.

My aural comprehension of mandarin is developing quite well. I'm glad.

Vulva continually on fire; I need sex badly. Yesterday morning was finally able to masturbate after not being able to for a long time. It was good; I fantasized about the endocrinologist.

Normally I break my diet and have a regular breakfast on grocery day. Not today! Not yesterday either. I had my usual: a few slices of japanese yam. I'm getting damned good at this undereating thing.

Today was my follow-up appointment with the social worker. No melatonin or magnesium glycinate, but there's a work therapy person who says he can take on a new client. Great! But he hasn't been able to contact me because of my shitty phone situation. So I asked whether we could email or whether I could call him. I got a number and the social worker is going to call me back tomorrow with an answer about emailing because the va has some privacy policies surrounding email. She's also going to call the outside organization that helps veterans. I emailed them but haven't gotten a response. People prioritize phone calls and ignore email, I've noticed. I just haven't had the energy to call anyone.

Today I tried a tasty new hot cereal: 7-grain cereal from the community market. Actually it doesn't really have much of a taste; I like it the same way I like oatmeal: it goes well with fruit/nuts and has a very pleasing texture. The variety of grains gives it an even more pleasant texture than the oats. I'm gonna have to go for more.

A large womon got on the bus yesterday with two bulky pieces of luggage. She couldn't get one piece underneath her seat and I eventually did it for her. She offered me a coke. Sloppy fat person pulling a coke out of her bag. I was grossed out. She needs to lay off the coke. I of course don't drink soda: it's strong and full of empty calories. Not refreshing at all, more like drinking a combination of syrup and fire. Just a sick and seriously unhealthy item that shouldn't even exist: artificial color, half a meal's worth of calories that are all sugar...

post-mood:uncomfortable

Again I've reached the point at which I'm walking so much each day that I need to sit the rest of the time to allow my feet to recover. I don't like it; I prefer being at my standing desk.

I love it when grocery day lines up with my day off weightlifting. Tomorrow is the day and I'm looking forward to buying a ton of veggies.

Instead of duct tape, I bought shoe glue at the hardware store yesterday during my morning walk. I don't have anything to glue over the holes in the bottom of my shoes, however. I found some old bark while exploring the deserted mini-park behind the skate park this morning. I'm thinking I can try three layers of that. Not sure how well it'll hold up, however. It probably won't, actually.

The hairs growing out of my neck are driving me crazy but I cannot get a grip on them with my fingers and I don't want to use the pluckers, pincers, what're they called? to pluck them out because I used them to pull the tick out of my knee. I forgot to get a new pair at the dollar store.

Also driving me crazy is having to continually turn my living room fan on and off. Hotflashes. I'm super glad I grabbed this fan. It was being given away for free. I almost passed it up because I was still cold all the time back then.

One packet of my new undershirts arrived in the mail yesterday. I didn't try them on until today. They fit better than I'd hoped for, they provide quite decent support, but I'm afraid of what will happen once I wash them. The amazon reviews say they run slim, but I don't find that to be the case; it seems that they run a little short actually. If they shrink too much, I'll be right back where I was before: with a bunch of shirts I mostly cannot wear because I cannot stand the sensation of them riding up on my abdomen.

I'm insanely tired. If I don't get more sleep I won't be able to keep this diet up for long.

I finished my first presentation/podcast episode this evening, and I feel somewhat accomplished. It took me eighty-something slides. Before I'd finished it, I ran through most of it while on the treadmill this morning. It was a pleasant study experience. post-mood: sleepy

I've finally found a new study flow for mandarin and it does not involve flashcards, which I'm happy about. Shortly after I re-started studying with anki, I again began to feel the oppression of a stack of due flashcards, and, more pertinent to my learning, the disconnection between flashcards. Flashcards were ok when I was studying short textbook dialogs, but I need a study method that maintains more continuity when I'm studying longer forms of content.

So I decided to start making presentations. Each slide has much more chinese than what I normally put on a single flashcard, a bigger chunk of the content. Each slide thereby gives me more of the podcast/video context, and more context holds my interest better.

I was never comfortable with the amount of time it took me to get through a single podcast episode, introducing ten new flashcards/vocabulary items at a time. I'd sort of lose the thread of whatever media I was studying, and that made me lose interest. Instead, I can go through an entire presentation/episode at once if I like. I won't be able to absorb all the new vocab the first time through, but that doesn't bother me. I'd rather go through a whole presentation/episode multiple times than drill individual flashcards repeatedly.

The only problem is that formatting the slides takes a lot of wrist work. My wrist is a little sore right now; that's why I'm on a break. Shortly before my break, I got the idea to duplicate a previous slide rather than creating a new one from scratch. The duplicate maintains the formatting, so all I have to do is paste different text into the text boxes. That should save me some labor from now on.

Unlike flashcards, presentations don't come with scheduling. That doesn't really bother me either. I can simply study my presentations from time-to-time, as needed. I'm not terribly worried about forgetting the vocab/studying according to a schedule because I'm exposed to so much chinese now that I continually come across recently learned vocab in articles/media other than the source from which I first learned it. Furthermore, the fact that I enjoy this study method more suggests that I'll be more motivated to study (rather than dreading studying, as I did with anki), which I expect to result in more study time or at least more engaged/effective study time. I'd actually rather continue with my current presentation rather than take this break. I'm looking forward to finishing this podcast (much faster than I ever got through a podcast via anki), finishing my first presentation. These presentations are something I can consume while on the treadmill, another advantage.

Today is quite warm despite the sky being overcast. I was supposed to take a walk to the general/hardware store, but I don't want to deal with the heat. Since I cannot afford a new pair of shoes for at least another month, I'm going to tape up the holes in my most comfortable pair of shoes and continue using them for a while. So I need tape.

I took a good swig of liquid iron last night and ended up sleeping much better than I normally do even though I woke up a bit chilly in the middle of the night. I just had to readjust my feet to ensconce them in my blanket and I dozed off again. I felt pretty good when I woke up. So the liquid iron doesn't hurt my stomach like it used to. I still felt a bit of abdominal discomfort after I drank it, but that wasn't too bad. The stuff is staining my teeth, though.

post-mood:chipper

Today has been a struggle. I didn't sleep last night. Cold feet again. Cold feet alternated with hotflashes, which heat up only my upper body. I've been sipping my liquid iron at bedtime but I haven't been taking enough apparently. I've ended up on the floor several times because I was too exhausted to keep standing.

I spent hours searching online for new undershirts. I think I'll just make do with my two compression shirts for now, maybe buy some type of chest brace as a supplement. Washing the shirts every day is a pain in the ass but I don't have money for more and they aren't comfortable enough to be worth the money anyhow. Actually no, maybe I'll buy some cotton shirts anyhow. Synthetic fabrics are suffocating.

'Tis the season of free fruit. Last month I picked clean the pear tree that's in front of the property manager's unit. There weren't many apples this year, but I took what I could from the apple bush too. I got apples from neighbors this month. Recently I noticed that the figs at my apartment complex looked ripe and this evening I sampled one. I don't find figs terribly tasty but these fresh ones would probably be great for sweetening some oatmeal.

My face felt more supple pretty much immediately after I put on my new facial moisturizer, and continued to feel supple throughout the day. I felt so confident about the upcoming improvements in my skin that I did another skin peel this afternoon. I will be so relieved if I finally get my skin issues under control, yet still so far from finding a partner.

My body is looking pretty good now that the bloat has gone down again. Still too much fat on the hips, thighs, and posterior, however. The scale said one hundred and twenty yesterday.

The goddamned hematology scheduler never called. Or my phone app malfunctioned.

I need a new pair of shoes so badly.

I managed to pick my neck bloody today trying to extract what felt like an ingrown hair.

post-mood:not sleepy anymore

I walked a lot today because, in addition to going to the bank and going shopping, I forgot my ebt card and had to return to the grocery store. And in a few minutes I'll be going out to the water machine.

I wasted a lot of time shopping. I found an interesting book in the used book shop but I didn't dare buy it even though it cost only five dollars. I did however treat myself to a two-dollar cd at the thrift store. It's a tony bennett and bill evans duo. tony bennett has put out some beautiful tunes. I have been ambivalent about listening to good music for years now. I don't like having my emotions stimulated, and the music reminds me of my aborted music career. So I hesitated over the cd. I hesitated to listen to jazz when I got tired of kpop during my morning walk today. Right now this symptom makes me think think "I want to die," but I'm trying to stop saying that, so I need to stop thinking it. I'm going to at least pretend that I want to live. Saying this shit out loud is a bad habit that will make me seem mentally ill if anyone is ever in earshot. One absolutely cannot count on people considering that one is traumatized rather than crazy in this society.

My skin has gotten bad so I needed the more expensive lotion again; that was the main reason for the shopping trip. There still isn't a lotion I can put on my face. Today it occurred to me that the lack of facial moisturizer is the reason why I have so much trouble with my skin. The llm has suggested oatmeal, that I add oatmeal to the aloe vera gel I use. I doubt that will be moisturizing enough but it may do something for the inflammation that continually gives me pih. I'm always hopeful that something will treat this condition and continually disappointed. Recently my skin has worsened and I'm down about it. No, I'm not down about it so much as I'm down about my inability to do anything about it. No, maybe not. I'm not sure which is worse.

On my way from the bank to the thrift store, I saw three pieces of fried chicken scattered on the ground on the next block downtown. Each piece had fewer bites taken out of it than the previous one. It made me wonder what the hell happened because they were like ten pieces away from each other. Maybe someone tried each piece in turn and found them each unsuitable.

I feel awkward every time I'm outdoors. It's stressful. It's because of the way people have treated me here.

I keep forgetting that I'm having hot flashes and wondering why the weather has suddenly heated up. They sneak up on me so gently.

As of tonight I guess I'm back to rice, veggies, and tofu for dinner. The veggies were satisfying but I found the dish remarkably bland, and not because it lacked salt or savory seasoning; I think it was because I'm used to eating sweet things now. I had a few pieces of date and a few dried cranberries to satisfy my craving for sweetness. Next month I'm going to try to go back to buying massive amounts of veggies. I'm not really going back because I never did manage to buy enough of them anyhow.

Today I received a letter about my food stamps benefit. Beginning next month, I'll be receiving eight extra dollars worth of food stamps per month. So I can more easily afford to treat myself to a vegan pizza.

Oh I almost forgot. Today I managed to skip the snack I usually need between lunch and dinner. I was out shopping and completely forgot about it, plus I didn't get the headache I normally get when I don't have the snack. It's a miracle.

I'm tired of kpop biting off usian music. Some of the bites are so cringe, especially when they can't properly pronounce the slang. A few of the songs on exo's latest album have grown on me but I still have to stop myself from cringing at parts of them. It seems like approaching kpop in the spirit of anthropology might be helpful, something to complement approaching it as a music fan.

post-mood:depressed

I signed up on a non-u.s. freelancing site this evening. I have to wait to find out whether I'll be accepted. I'm hoping to sign up for another one tomorrow, at least three total to maximize my earnings.

I think I'm finally ready to put one of the stories in my head into a book. Maybe it'll just be a novelete. It's not a long story. I wanted to start tonight but I spent a lot of time job-searching.

Ok I did start at the last minute. Five sentences so far and most of them will probably be edited out.

post-mood:uncomfortable

The water machine has been returning less change. I thought it was broken. Turns out the price of a gallon of filtered water has increased by another ten cents. The price is now double what it was when I moved here five years ago.

This is a problem because I go through close to a gallon of water per day. That's twenty-one dollars per month for water.

I downloaded exo's new album, revere, song-by-song from invidious today. I was so excited. Most of the songs aren't that great, though. I guess they're fairly good for pop music. One or two are quite beautiful. But I don't really even like pop music, especially not rapping. Thinking about that made me depressed. Kpop is kind of a stupid hobby.

Once I got down the basics of Korean, I was going to start improving my listening skills by watching kpop reality tv. I don't know what it's called. Kpop groups upload videos of their day-to-day lives on youtube and they speak korean in the videos. I looked at exo's reality tv channel and was creeped out. Not by any of the content there, but by the prospect of following the daily lives of celebrities like this. There's something warped and toxic about it. It's like a way to create fake intimacy with fans, a way to get us hooked. We shouldn't really even be interested in the random shit they are doing day-to-day. It's parasocial.

I don't want to get pulled into a kpop obsession. I don't even think I'd reach the level of obsession, but I'd create a hole in myself, a nagging sense of unfulfilledness, if I started spending a lot of time watching the members of this group. Because at least one of them is too attractive. And I guess I need to be reminded less often that I'm single. And sometimes when you see more of people, you start to find them less attractive and wish you hadn't gotten to know them more, wish your view of them hadn't been sullied. But perhaps that's unlikely to happen because I will understand hardly any of what they say in the videos.

Nevertheless, watching people like this should be an occasional treat, like birthday cake. Actually I would end up spending weeks on a single video because my Korean would be so elementary, so I wouldn't actually see much of them, just the same video over and over again until I was ready to progress to the next video.

I don't even know how it's legal for people to upload full albums to youtube.

post-mood:hungry