I think I've figured out why I've been so grossly bloated lately: there is too much fiber in my diet. I was already eating quite a bit of fruit; the bloating started roughly when I added oats and 100% mung bean noodles (which, I assume, contain more fiber than the potato-starch-and-water mung bean noodles). On top of that, I've switched from peaches to pineapple for my main canned fruit option. The pineapple is much more fibrous. On top of that, I've been adding flax seed meal to my breakfast more consistently, and I've been having a bit of psyllium husk to help me stay asleep.

I've been feeling like I'm going to burst. I look pregnant. Sometimes, I'm in pain. Sometimes, I don't want to eat even though I'm hungry because I feel so stuffed from the previous meal.

I've had a series of nasty turns on small curbs this past week, all on a foot and ankle already fatigued by my daily walking, so now my ankle pain has become rather serious. I'm so used to standing up all day (it's truly something, how I've conditioned myself to stand comfortably for nearly the whole day) that I forget to sit and rest my feet and ankle once I get home from the morning walk. It's at its worst today, and I'm not sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow. Maybe it's sprained; I don't know, but I doubt it. It just doesn't hurt enough, not that I really now what a sprain feels like.

My monthly benefits will be available in eleven days, and my DOR check should be here soon. Rarely do I get so much money at once. Maybe I should try investing some of it since I have really no other way of generating income. I know next to nothing about investing; I don't even know where to go to invest. Another possible major but invaluable expense is a week in Sacramento so that my face will peel.

Tonight I'll find out whether I can fall asleep without the melatonin I've been taking two hours before bedtime for...over a year now, surely. Because I ran out. I was going to rush to the health food store to see whether they carry any, but I may as well exploit this opportunity because I'll save twenty-six dollars if I don't absolutely need the stuff anymore.

I'm going to request a TENS machine to deal with my menstrual cramps. All the ibuprofen I take isn't good for my stomach. Speaking of which, I was able to eat peanut butter without any stomach trouble once I got some fresher stock. The health food store has a fresh peanut butter machine, but the peanuts in it have been roasted some time in the past, so they aren't exactly fresh.

I want to start using Talkio AI, a service that allows users to practice speaking a foreign language with an AI partner, but I'm concerned about this company having my voice data. According to the FAQ, the data is stored in Europe, so the relevant privacy protections are fairly strong. If the FAQ is true. I have no way of knowing where they store data or what they do with it beyond providing the stated service. Since they would have my name, home address, and other personal information via payments, in addition to my voice, it seems that the privacy stakes are higher than they would be. I guess very little damage could be done with such data, but I hate the idea of companies being able to exploit my personal information. The supposedly is supposedly in Denmark, so I don't know why the data is processed in the United States. Oh, it's for low latency. Now I have to read the privacy policies of all three of the data processors they use, and hope they all adhere to their own policies. Maybe I'll try another service, TalkPal.

Today in the window of the local bookstore I saw an advertisement for a book about safe breast binding, with little cartoon images of bebreasted people wearing binders. The fact that breast binding has been normalized to this extent is sad and bizarre. I once saw a Tiktok video that showed a handful of people with mutilated chests and told viewers that "top surgery is for everyone." Seeing that advertisement was something like watching that video. It's like these people are weaponizing inclusiveness. The potential "victims" are impressionable people who might not ever have considered binding or breast removal had they not been exposed to these normalizing messages.

I feel fatigued with being alive.

It's bedtime and I'm not sleepy. Maybe the quick-release melatonin will work some magic.

A bunch of people entitled enough to expect the English language and the very concepts of manhood and womanhood to be changed for them (with no justification as to why), pretending to be a marginalized minority group, when their main political issue is actually trifling personal identity bullshit.

White men as the face of the (post)modern trans movement is why it gained such widespread popularity. If Latino or Indian men had been the main people loudly demanding access to womyn's spaces, the "transwomen" shit would have been seen more broadly as a threat. If it had just been female trans people, it would mostly have been ignored.

Again, mostly talking about autogynephiles and transtrenders, not so much actual dysphoric people.

I think I was searching for a better platform for dating gnc people when I came across yet another one of the ridiculous discussions queers have amongst themselves:

https://old.reddit.com/r/genderqueer/comments/hue21e/i_had_yet_another_trans_person_tell_me_that_my/?rdt=42186

The OP seems to have a valid complaint (not sure what she thinks gnc is, however) and some of the comments make good points, but the ideas that "nonbinary and genderqueer identities should only help out binary identities, trans or cis, by making it more acceptable to, like, even question gender let alone live an authentic life" and "non-binary folks totally advance the cause for equality" are just...they are so off the mark, I can't even quite call them wrong.

The problem with all these gender-based "identities" is that the theory behind them casts gender as a matter of personal identity, personal choice. But people don't conform to gender roles primarily out of choice; they conform because they've been brainwashed to do so since they were infants and have thereby internalized them, and because of the threat of social exclusion, discrimination, violence, and other consequences of non-conformity. Turning a baby into a gendered individual is an abusive cultural practice, one that robs everyone of part of our individuality for no legitimate reason, and, in most societies, disadvantages females in particular.

People don't really "identify" with that process of genderization; it is something that is imposed upon us beginning before we can even understand, or, in most cases, remember (some autistic people can remember their infancy, reportedly). They do not "identify" as a gendered being so much as they were all but forced to be one and know no other reality, can see no other possibility in some cases. so much as they are brainwashed and/or socially hemmed in so thoroughly that they continue gendered practices, mostly on autopilot, generally for the rest of their lives (the brainwashing includes the inculcation of disgust with, alientation from, and fear of gender non-conformity).

Some people may feel like gender conformity is their personal choice or entirely a part of their personality, but that's a reflection of how deep-rooted the brainwashing is. People feel the same way about other aspects of culture, but having grown up in a particular culture is and always has been the strongest predictor of whether a given person will like and adopt any of the elements of that culture, as is the case with gendered cultural elements: the people who are most likely to like and engage in stuff coded feminine are always the people who were raised to do so. This close and enduring association suggests that something beyond personal preference determines a person's relationship to gendered cultural elements, just as the clustering of Muslims in Muslim countries suggests something other than Muslims' personal preference of religion.

So "binary identities" and "non-binary identities" are not at all the same sort of thing. (There is however, some similarity between the two because "non-binary" identities are reactionary and defined entirely in relationship to gender roles—except, I guess, for the people claiming to be transmed non-binary, which they say is about sex).

Not only does the concept of personal gender misrepresent forced/internalized gender roles as personal identity, the activist goal of "equality" between the two

Oh goddamn, I just realized that I do have all the parts I need for my new/old humidifier to work. The component in the image I couldn't figure out was just turned upside down. Sleep is really important.

I don't feel like writing this shit anymore, I lost my train of thought, and it's long enough anyways. Maybe I'll continue on another day. It's that time of day when I'm no longer drowsy, the sun is shining, I finally got my new flashcard software running early this afternoon after days of struggling and missing out on study time, that humidier should start misting soon, and so I feel relatively good. Accomplished. I'll feel even more accomplished once I go get my supply of salad greens and complete today's bench press workout.

My head is just now starting to hurt, I don't want to eat again, I'm tempted to take my migraine medication. I'll just have some miso soup.

I took a screw out of the humidifier last night, and I don't know what I did with it. Stupid.

What's funny is that, when I logged onto one of the social networking sites I haven't been on in a long time today, there was a friend request from some guy who lists himself as non-binary. Instant rejection. Even leaving all the theory aside, the sorts of personality traits that lead a person to adopt the non-binary label all but guarantee that the person will be insufferable. I could have read the profile to try to confirm, but I think I decided to not waste my time. Sometimes I can't bear to read the cringe, the narcissism, .

I think the inside of my nose got so dry from my running the heater all the time, the inner skin cracked and partially healed and now, every time I move my face the wrong way, the wound re-opens. Horrible feeling.

Commenting on this video:

https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=HAOO2hE_RjM&nojs=1

Which can be found on youtube with its ID HAOO2hE_Rj

Bisexual people need to get it through their skulls that monosexual gay and lesbian people don't necessarily see bisexuals as similar to themselves or a part of their community, and their sense of entitlement to gay or lesbian spaces is part of the reason. They could build bisexual community instead of pining over the community they cannot have with monosexuals. Also, plenty of gay and lesbian people do not like to be called "queer" nor see anything having to do with trans people as relevant to them. Self-named queers have somewhat unilaterally built up this fairy tale of a queer community and included gay, lesbian, bi, and transsexual people in it against the wishes of some of those people. The fruit of that fantasy is people like this, who are upset that the community they wrongfully believed in doesn't quite exist.

And the whining about having one's identity "invalidated." Cringe sjw dramatics. It's a pretty damn fragile identity that can be invalidated by mere words and thoughts. I'm actually not even exactly sure what people mean when they say this shit, and I'm not sure that they know what they mean. It's like a dramatic way of saying that people don't see them as they want to be seen. It would be fine if they phrased it that way. It's the rhetoric that bothers me, the (subconscious?) attempt to make the situation seem more serious than it is by speaking as if one's identity itself has been damaged or destroyed in some fashion. I don't know that there is a form of rhetoric that isn't intellectually dishonest to some degree. They're still bi regardless of whether or not people know it.

I finally ordered a Mandarin textbook. Found it on ebay for cheap. I want to learn the Taiwanese accent, and today, for the first time, I noticed that the pronunciation in the Pimsleur audio doesn't match the pronunciation of the Taiwanese Mandarin TTS voices I have. This makes learning new vocabulary difficult and frustrating. The frustration is what pushed me to buy the book. It was published in Taiwan, so the accent I want should be the one taught.

I completed the final lesson of Pimsleur Mandarin level 2 this morning. Three more levels to go. I'm not sure how well things will go from here because I don't have transcripts for those levels. I ended up re-doing half of level 2 because I wasn't retaining the vocabulary, which is what I need the transcripts for. Hopefully the textbooks (there's a whole series of them) can somewhat make up for the lack of transcripts.

Once again on my evening walk I listened to this new Mandarin podcast I'm trying even though I don't know enough of the language to understand more than a few isolated words and phrases. I don't even know the name of it. Thanks to the ear training I'm getting from Pimsleur, listening to Mandarin I don't understand is bearable. And more importantly: the male co-host, oh god. He was talking in a low tone of voice for most of the episode, then on the falling-rising tones he let it drop even further. Let's just say that it touched more than my ears.

It's weird that Mandarin sounds good to me now. It used to sound choppy not so long ago. Maybe it's just these two hosts that sound good.

I did it weeks ago and I'm only just now getting around to posting about it.

To put it briefly, people just assume too much shit. They get too caught up in their bullshit categories and fail to see things from an outside perspective.

Same-sex attraction has nothing to do with transsexuality or transgenderism, which in turn have nothing to do with intersex medical conditions, and "queer" is basically meaningless, so it has to do with nothing and everything. So not only do I not want people to come to my blog and view me as an alphabet soup (lgbtqi...) member, I want people to stop using that acronym or at least consider the implications of using it, the implications of categorizing these disparate groups together. Why do it?

The trans activists (not to be confused with actual trans people aka people who have sex-based dysphoria aka transsexuals) seem keen on using the gay acceptance angle to foster acceptance of their agenda and ideology, which is nothing like anything having to do with the agenda of gay, lesbian, and bi (actually bi people I can't speak for so much...seen some shady bi stuff) so far as I can tell. Promoting the idea that we are all one happy queer family is part of their nefarious political agenda. We're not all one happy queer family. There is a shit ton of homophobia and lesbiphobia (as well as misogyny) coming from trans activists, and they try to ban and silence us when we speak up about their bullshit just like they try to ban and silence anyone else who does so.

So I'm not lgbtqi. I'm also not queer. What is queerness? Nobody knows exactly, and that's the point. It's a mismash of people who are deliberately vague about who/what they are, including straight people who want to seem more interesting, bisexual people (probably mostly womyn) who don't want to say they are bisexual, people who don't really have dysphoria or intend to medically or even fully socially transition but think trans shit is cool, and goddess knows what else.

The gender community seems to be using the term "gender non-conforming" as if it's another "gender identity." I sure as hell don't want to be mistaken for one of these insufferable adolescents aka somebody who claims to have a gender identity, so I tried to make it clear that I'm using the term in the more literal sense of "not conforming to societal gender roles." It's not an identity in the sense that it's something I go around thinking about myself; in fact I hardly ever think about it. It sure as hell isn't an affectation. I don't have any preferred pronouns to go with it. I'm just being myself with what's available to me. It's just a fact. I failed to absorb a lot of female socialization and it shows.

And lastly, I dont't want to be seen or referred to as a POC. "Person of color" is more or less just as racist a term as colored, and it's even worse because all the non-white-privileged people are basically lumped together into this giant racial category whereas colored was used more narrowly. As I posted on a previous entry, because race is a racist social construct, I prefer that people don't racialize others, and that they especially don't racialize me. I am a human being with a specific ethnic background, not a member of a racial group.

Since people always assume shit and have so often been wrong about me, what I mean, and what my motivations are, I ask that readers try to avoid doing that. My expectations are rather low, but it's the only way to properly understand the blog content.