I finally slept through the night last night. I hadn't done anything differently except have some cinnamon just before going to bed. I've heard that cinnamon helps regulate blood sugar, but it didn't seem to do anything when I tried it. Perhaps it's working in synergy with the progesterone and melatonin. I will do the same thing tonight and see whether last night was just a fluke. It would be a helluva fluke given the number of years I've gone without a full night of sleep.

I am continuing to get up at three AM on the weekends so that I can have quiet time alone on the track. Joggers and walkers come along and destroy the tranquility later in the morning. People moving in either my line of sight or my peripheral vision is unbearable, plus people come and chatter in groups and on cell phones, and I can hear them all the way from the other side of the track. I want so badly to be away from people. At best, they are an annoyance, an energy drain.

I had a nice conversation with an autistic guy about his graduate program in math, but it's died out and there's not really an authentic way to revive it. The good thing about (some) autistic people is that we say what we have to say and then stop talking, but that makes getting continous social satisfaction somewhat tricky. Focusing on in-person connections would be better but...where to find them? There are gatherings for autistic people in SF, but the length of the trip is brutal, I cannot afford it, and I don't want to be part of a group full of white-privileged autistic people. They poison our community with their bullshit. I think they meet too early for me to attend any how. I don't enjoy group events anyhow. Sifting through groups of people to find one bearable one is like sifting through trash: even if I were to find whom I want, I'd still get soiled.

I found a list of more autistic dating apps. The first site I visited had some notice about exploiting user information for targeted advertising. I'm so goddamned tired of every website doing this shit. I'd rather support them with a membership. The disappointment drained the energy out of me, and I didn't even look at the other sites on the list. Shit just feels hopeless or so much of an uphill battle that it's practically hopeless. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have my insane libido to motivate me to continue searching. Plus my habitual tenacity.

My insulin sensitivity seems to have improved quite a bit. Oats used to go right through me; now I can go for hours after eating a bowl. This is fantastic because I very much enjoy oatmeal. I've tried many times to sweeten oatmeal with fruit only, and, a few days ago, I discoverd the secret: I add the applesauce and fruit juice after the oats are cooked. The sweetness is perfect, not as strong as that of processed sugar, and I get even more fruit/fiber in my diet. The insulin sensitivity (is that even the relevant biological phenomenon?) applies to food in general: for today's third meal, I was able to function on a bit of fruit and a (vegan) grilled cheese sandwich only, whereas I had to have a whole meal before. I think maybe my continued weight loss is the cause. Maybe I was too heavy even though I wasn't overweight. I certainly felt (and still feel) rather heavy.

I gave myself a good-looking haircut today, spent some tranquil time in the nearby nature reserve, got more than the three hours of walking I've set as a daily minimum, drilled Mandarin sentences, and even did some reading in French. Besides the instrusive memories, it's been a rather good day. I look better with my hair buzzed quite short on the sides, so that's the cut I'll continue with even though it's not very ladylike. I did not feel attractive when I left it longer.

My sister is struggling and I don't know what to do to help her. She is supporting her son and our leech of a mother, and rent is eating up her entire paycheck, even though our other sister has moved in to help with expenses. I thought about telling her to look for a house so that they can use my veteran's benefit of zero down payment, but what's gonna happen if they can't pay the mortgage at some point? I don't know whether the house would have to be in my name, whether it would be my credit on the line. I don't want to spend the energy to look into it. I used to picture myself having a career and thereby supporting my sister so that she could pursue her interest in music because our garbage parents did nothing for her (or any of us), but it became obvious years ago that this dream would never come to fruition. Because I am disabled, not just neurologically but socially. I'm still glad to be autistic though.

I'm going back on the iron supplement. My VA provider said I should be on it until menopause. I thought my chronic coldness might be due to something other than iron anemia because I've had it so long, and I thought iron anemia due to excess menstruation was relatively rare. According to this provider, however, the latter seems to be rather common, and not just a result of heavy bleeding, but a result of having a menstrual cycle at all. If that's true, I may as well be on the iron regularly rather than hoping to find and treat some other cause.

I have a pain in my chest from time to time, on the side where my heart is. I wonder whether stress from the shitty life I've lived is going to give me a heart attack one day.