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disappointed_lesbianI should be lifting, but I feel weak as hell. Lifting sixty+ pounds over my face and chest while feeling weak seems like a bad idea. I've been trying to stick to my workout routine, but it's tough with so little energy.
I don't weigh 125 after all. The diet I thought I was failing is actually working, just super slowly, which is expected because I cannot undereat much and I'm not walking as much as I was before. The scale said 124.5 while I was dehydrated and still a bit constipated, so I know I weight a little less than that.
Finding out that what I've been trying to do is actually working motivated me to eat a little bit less. It is taking a toll. I have to let go of the expectation that I can eat this little and accomplish everything I accomplished during the first phase of the diet, the easier phase. The energy costs, especially given my lack of sleep, are simply too high. My inability to focus with this level of hunger is another factor. I actually won't be able to keep this up for as long as I need to, not continuously anyhow. Maybe I'll do one week on, one week off (the diet). Maybe one day eating less, one day exercising more.
I have an appointment to discuss treatment for my chronic hypoglycemia next week. If we can come up with some solutions, I won't be struggling so much with this diet.
Now is a good time to get this over with. I wouldn't be able to do this while working a job.
Maybe I should stop browsing a certain social networking site. It's way too goddamned arousing.
It would be nice to find a job where I could use my Mandarin, but I don't know nearly enough Mandarin for that.
Last night I tried sleeping with my feet inside the drawstring laundry bag again. It worked quite well to keep my feet warm, but I still had trouble sleeping, still woke up too early. But I didn't use my sunlamp yesterday; that may be why. Tonight will be a better test.
I spend so many hours a day too sleepy to do anything. My life is slipping away from me a day at a time, being wasted.
I'm glad this is a short month because I'll get next month's food stamps and income sooner. I sorely need them. I had to buy more of the meds the VA won't give me enough of this morning, and I'm down to about four bucks, with forty-two cents left in my checking account. I still haven't figured out how to get all the groceries I need with just three hundred dollars per month. I guess I could buy something more calorific than the twenty-four dollars' worth of dried apple slices I bought these past couple of months, but they are so insanely delicious that resistance is difficult. I'll force myself to buy date rolls instead. Let's hope I manage to sleep enough to be able to eat them without stomach cramps. The progesterone has had no noticeable effect so far.
I found a new scalp massager in a discount department store a few days ago. I went to check out the men's department while I was there; there's always something interesting or attractive there. There were various bars of soap that all had to-die-for fragrances. I noticed while I was smelling them how at-home and grounded I felt. I felt like myself, at peace with myself, that I was in the right place, that the fragrances matched me, touched me (but not in an overly arousing way). I don't know the best way to explain what it was like. Something about the scents chosen for men's products, the earthy fragrances like citrus, trees, ocean water are so soothing and...relatable I guess.
Intellectually, I know that stuff in the men's department was not created with me or people like me in mind. Sometimes I'm acutely aware of that (not so much now that I've been buying this stuff for decades), but in this particular instance, the awareness was so distant, so unimportant, it was almost like what I imagine an out-of-body experience to be. The moment just before you begin to rise out of your body. Nothing really much matters, nothing can touch you if you have no corporeal body that can be hurt or destroyed. I was safe there, safe to be unaware of my surroundings, of the people who might find my shopping habits weird. There was nothing in those moments except my personality, the fragrance, and the bridge between the two, my sense of smell.
Part of me wants to go back and buy some of that soap, it smelled so good. Smelling like men's grooming products probably won't help me find a boyfriend, but I don't care. But I don't use soap anymore except to wash my hands, and for that I get a cheap ultra-moisturzing bar. I'm guessing those soaps I sampled aren't very moisturizing. Maybe I could just keep one of them sitting unwrapped and unused in the bathroom purely for the fragrance.
I'm supposed to be trying my damndest to get a real haircut next month, but I...feel tired just thinking about it.
I don't weigh 125 after all. The diet I thought I was failing is actually working, just super slowly, which is expected because I cannot undereat much and I'm not walking as much as I was before. The scale said 124.5 while I was dehydrated and still a bit constipated, so I know I weight a little less than that.
Finding out that what I've been trying to do is actually working motivated me to eat a little bit less. It is taking a toll. I have to let go of the expectation that I can eat this little and accomplish everything I accomplished during the first phase of the diet, the easier phase. The energy costs, especially given my lack of sleep, are simply too high. My inability to focus with this level of hunger is another factor. I actually won't be able to keep this up for as long as I need to, not continuously anyhow. Maybe I'll do one week on, one week off (the diet). Maybe one day eating less, one day exercising more.
I have an appointment to discuss treatment for my chronic hypoglycemia next week. If we can come up with some solutions, I won't be struggling so much with this diet.
Now is a good time to get this over with. I wouldn't be able to do this while working a job.
Maybe I should stop browsing a certain social networking site. It's way too goddamned arousing.
It would be nice to find a job where I could use my Mandarin, but I don't know nearly enough Mandarin for that.
Last night I tried sleeping with my feet inside the drawstring laundry bag again. It worked quite well to keep my feet warm, but I still had trouble sleeping, still woke up too early. But I didn't use my sunlamp yesterday; that may be why. Tonight will be a better test.
I spend so many hours a day too sleepy to do anything. My life is slipping away from me a day at a time, being wasted.
I'm glad this is a short month because I'll get next month's food stamps and income sooner. I sorely need them. I had to buy more of the meds the VA won't give me enough of this morning, and I'm down to about four bucks, with forty-two cents left in my checking account. I still haven't figured out how to get all the groceries I need with just three hundred dollars per month. I guess I could buy something more calorific than the twenty-four dollars' worth of dried apple slices I bought these past couple of months, but they are so insanely delicious that resistance is difficult. I'll force myself to buy date rolls instead. Let's hope I manage to sleep enough to be able to eat them without stomach cramps. The progesterone has had no noticeable effect so far.
I found a new scalp massager in a discount department store a few days ago. I went to check out the men's department while I was there; there's always something interesting or attractive there. There were various bars of soap that all had to-die-for fragrances. I noticed while I was smelling them how at-home and grounded I felt. I felt like myself, at peace with myself, that I was in the right place, that the fragrances matched me, touched me (but not in an overly arousing way). I don't know the best way to explain what it was like. Something about the scents chosen for men's products, the earthy fragrances like citrus, trees, ocean water are so soothing and...relatable I guess.
Intellectually, I know that stuff in the men's department was not created with me or people like me in mind. Sometimes I'm acutely aware of that (not so much now that I've been buying this stuff for decades), but in this particular instance, the awareness was so distant, so unimportant, it was almost like what I imagine an out-of-body experience to be. The moment just before you begin to rise out of your body. Nothing really much matters, nothing can touch you if you have no corporeal body that can be hurt or destroyed. I was safe there, safe to be unaware of my surroundings, of the people who might find my shopping habits weird. There was nothing in those moments except my personality, the fragrance, and the bridge between the two, my sense of smell.
Part of me wants to go back and buy some of that soap, it smelled so good. Smelling like men's grooming products probably won't help me find a boyfriend, but I don't care. But I don't use soap anymore except to wash my hands, and for that I get a cheap ultra-moisturzing bar. I'm guessing those soaps I sampled aren't very moisturizing. Maybe I could just keep one of them sitting unwrapped and unused in the bathroom purely for the fragrance.
I'm supposed to be trying my damndest to get a real haircut next month, but I...feel tired just thinking about it.
