What is happening
Feb. 21st, 2025 07:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disappointed_lesbianI weigh 125 pounds and I'm developing stretch marks on my thighs.
I took the local shuttle home from my morning walk today. The driver turned and ended the route a few blocks from my stop, something I'd never experienced before. As I was about to disembark, I asked him whether the route was new and he grabbed a paper bus schedule to show me that it wasn't. He spoke with a Russian accent and suddenly I was turned on.
He was showing me the times and stops on the schedule, I tried to look, but I was distracted by the tattoos on his arms. I couldn't figure out what they were. Arms appeared to be covered in age spots and not too hairy. He wasn't even my type: he was tall, he didn't quite look fat but he was solid...but those fingers of his looked to be about the right circumference to fit nicely inside me.
This almost should have been a weird experience, but no kind of attraction is weird for me anymore.
I got on the shuttle again in the afternoon on my way to the library. I felt a very mild sense of something like embarrassment to find that he was still driving. After he helped a womon with a walker get off the bus, I watched him walk back to the driver's seat. I liked the way his pants fit.
I had only one green tea capsule this morning.
I feel like my dating situation is all but hopeless. I tried to look up some gayer dating sites, but my results were full of queer/trans/nonbinary bullshit. I'm so so so sick of that crap. Also there are privacy concerns with nearly every online dating service, and most of them are apps, which are just too insecure to bother with at all. Actually, I guess it wouldn't be as insecure as it usually is since the mobile phone I have isn't registered in my name. But I don't want to give them my pics. Plus I no longer have mobile phone service.
Less sleep than usual last night; I've gotta stop taking the B vitamins. I wish I didn't have to do so much preparation to get to sleep. First I turn on the heated pad that I use to warm my bedclothes, then I turn on the lamp that sits right next to where I sleep (so I won't have to cross the room to hit the switch for the overhead lighting once I'm finally ready to go to sleep), then I put my last meal into the oven, then I fold my blanket and set it on the heater, then I eat, then I open the bedroom window, turn on the iron, and set it on top of some of my bedclothes, then I activate the alarm on my clock radio, then I brush and floss, then I get into the tub and heat up my feet with hot water, then I rush into the living room to retrieve the warm blanket, turn off the central heating, and take glycine before my feet cool down, then I go back into the bedroom, get fully undressed, wrap myself up in the blanket, put my hat on, and use the iron to heat the foot of the blanket, take my quick-release melatonin, then I remove the iron and unplug it, remove the heating pad and shut it off, then I wriggle my way into the cotton throw/flannel sleeping bag liner I use to keep my feet warm, then I wriggle my way into my heavy cotton sleeping bag liner, then I zip up my sleeping bag, then I pull my quilt up over me, turn off the light, turn over a few times to get comfortable, and finally try to sleep. It's bedtime now and I procrastinated going through that routine to type all this out.
I sliced my pinkie knuckle open a few days ago and two large drops of blood are still on the kitchen floor. I was trying to cut some vegetables right next to a can of tomato sauce I'd just opened, opened wide without removing the top. I dripped blood into the plate of food I made. This must be a more serious version of how I got all those other mysterious cuts on my hands.
I took the local shuttle home from my morning walk today. The driver turned and ended the route a few blocks from my stop, something I'd never experienced before. As I was about to disembark, I asked him whether the route was new and he grabbed a paper bus schedule to show me that it wasn't. He spoke with a Russian accent and suddenly I was turned on.
He was showing me the times and stops on the schedule, I tried to look, but I was distracted by the tattoos on his arms. I couldn't figure out what they were. Arms appeared to be covered in age spots and not too hairy. He wasn't even my type: he was tall, he didn't quite look fat but he was solid...but those fingers of his looked to be about the right circumference to fit nicely inside me.
This almost should have been a weird experience, but no kind of attraction is weird for me anymore.
I got on the shuttle again in the afternoon on my way to the library. I felt a very mild sense of something like embarrassment to find that he was still driving. After he helped a womon with a walker get off the bus, I watched him walk back to the driver's seat. I liked the way his pants fit.
I had only one green tea capsule this morning.
I feel like my dating situation is all but hopeless. I tried to look up some gayer dating sites, but my results were full of queer/trans/nonbinary bullshit. I'm so so so sick of that crap. Also there are privacy concerns with nearly every online dating service, and most of them are apps, which are just too insecure to bother with at all. Actually, I guess it wouldn't be as insecure as it usually is since the mobile phone I have isn't registered in my name. But I don't want to give them my pics. Plus I no longer have mobile phone service.
Less sleep than usual last night; I've gotta stop taking the B vitamins. I wish I didn't have to do so much preparation to get to sleep. First I turn on the heated pad that I use to warm my bedclothes, then I turn on the lamp that sits right next to where I sleep (so I won't have to cross the room to hit the switch for the overhead lighting once I'm finally ready to go to sleep), then I put my last meal into the oven, then I fold my blanket and set it on the heater, then I eat, then I open the bedroom window, turn on the iron, and set it on top of some of my bedclothes, then I activate the alarm on my clock radio, then I brush and floss, then I get into the tub and heat up my feet with hot water, then I rush into the living room to retrieve the warm blanket, turn off the central heating, and take glycine before my feet cool down, then I go back into the bedroom, get fully undressed, wrap myself up in the blanket, put my hat on, and use the iron to heat the foot of the blanket, take my quick-release melatonin, then I remove the iron and unplug it, remove the heating pad and shut it off, then I wriggle my way into the cotton throw/flannel sleeping bag liner I use to keep my feet warm, then I wriggle my way into my heavy cotton sleeping bag liner, then I zip up my sleeping bag, then I pull my quilt up over me, turn off the light, turn over a few times to get comfortable, and finally try to sleep. It's bedtime now and I procrastinated going through that routine to type all this out.
I sliced my pinkie knuckle open a few days ago and two large drops of blood are still on the kitchen floor. I was trying to cut some vegetables right next to a can of tomato sauce I'd just opened, opened wide without removing the top. I dripped blood into the plate of food I made. This must be a more serious version of how I got all those other mysterious cuts on my hands.
