I'm not the b-word
Jul. 25th, 2024 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disappointed_lesbianToday was frustrating because I went back to bed after returning from my morning walk and ended up staying there until four pm, thereby accomplishing none of the things I needed to do during business hours. I still cannot find a new place to live, and I am getting increasingly desperate to move away from here. The only time I'm really comfortable here is late at night, when the streets are empty.
I have scrapped my original plan of moving deeper into the more sparsely populated part of the county. The sparser the population, the more interaction I have with people, and that is the exact opposite of what I want, so I may as well go back to a larger city, where I can walk around without everyone talking at me. I feel sick and dejected about the housing discrimination I've experienced (I did open a case with a fair housing association), and I don't want to experience more, so I'd somewhat rather go some place where my housing voucher is appreciated. And the third but by no means least important reason why I plan to move to a larger town is that dating will be easier. Theoretically.
I've finally figured out how to get a TCA peel to work here: a good moisturizer. I found one for just eight dollars at a local pharmacy. The last couple of times I tried this peel, I seriously messed up the skin on my face. It was skin deep, and it faded over time, but it was tough to deal with looking that way. My first TCA peels were effortless because I did them in Sacramento, where the humidity is high: I didn't have to put any moisturizer on.
I'm excited because I need this kind of peel to improve my skin. I was afraid I'd have no choice but to travel somewhere more humid to do them, which is something I wouldn't be able to afford any time soon.
Maybe if I find a long-term boyfriend, we can move together to one of these small forested towns. But I might still struggle to find enough space to do my daily walks without running into my neighbors.
Today I thought of a great place to look for a date: autism forums. I think I could be very comfortable with an autistic guy. Normies give me anxiety because they always expect shit that I cannot live up to.
OK, so I'm not a lesbian, I don't really have much of a problem letting that term go. I'm still attracted to womyn, so I'm def not straight. This is not actually an important discussion; I don't feel much of a need to call myself anything, I'm just posting my thoughts on the matter. The thing is that it just doesn't make any sense to me to see myself or be seen as the b-word (I don't even want to type it). I am attracted to such a narrow slice of the male population that I'm just like, why bother with that term?
Yes, I guess I also have bias against...either that word or the people it refers to, I'm not sure which yet. They just feel like...other people. Not a group of people I'm a part of. I guess I am subconsciously thinking of all of them I've come across online and remembering that so much of what they say about themselves and their attraction was unrelatable and sometimes kind of...ick? I don't know the word. Like once I was reading a woman's comments about how the sex of her partner didn't matter. Totally unrelatable to me then as well as now. I'm attracted to womyn specifically because they are female, or, more precisely, because they have certain female physiology. I cannot say quite the same thing about (east asian) men (although I do tend to prefer male voices and male hips). I'm interested in them because of what is in their minds, but that is somewhat affected by their hormonal disposition, which is related to their maleness. I still care what sex my partner is because that determines which of my likes and dislikes come into play.
I guess I just don't know how a person could be indifferent to a partner's sex. I also cannot exactly relate to being attracted to both sexes. The overwhelming majority of men are disgusting. I guess in my mind I see myself as sexually attracted to womyn and aesthetically and emotionally attracted to one small slice of men. That reads like "both" to some people, I'm sure, but it doesn't to me. This is a stupid and pointless discussion. No it isn't, now that I've thought about it a bit more: I'm capable of attraction to some east asian men specifically because they lack the disgusting qualities that most other men have, I'm indifferent to some of the qualities they share with other men (genitals), and other such qualities I dislike (such as shoulders broader than waist). That's why it makes no sense to me to say that I'm attracted to men in the same sense that I'm attracted to womyn: Although I'm attracted to specifically female traits, there's nothing specifically male that I'm attracted to. I want a certain kind of person and I cannot find it in a female body, plus I'm capable of enjoying it in a male body. A certain kind of person and a certain kind of aesthetic.
Yesterday, I looked up some pornographic images to see how I feel about them now (I've seen plenty because I used to watch porn when I was younger). Yep, still indifferent to dicks (this word bothers me now that I'm faced with the prospect of interacting with one). They might be better-looking on regular people; pornographic images tend to highlight large male genitals, which I surely have no preference for. Despite the indifference, the psychological bond and aesthetic attraction make sex possible and desirable. I guess I was ambivalent about it just a week ago; now I actively fantasize about it. Interesting.
I started my first Korean lesson yesterday and did my second today. It's been enjoyable. Starting a new foreign language always is, it seems.
I feel like I'm not done but I'm spending too much time on this post. My thoughts are not well-formed enough on today's topics for me to post in an organized, concise, and efficient manner, so I guess I'll think about it some more.
I'm been having trouble sticking with Mandarin these past few days. It's such a forgettable language with so many words that sound alike, and I'm having doubts about my ability to handle immigration, standing out as one of a few non-Chinese people (especially since I'm standing out here and not handling it well), and rather I actually want to leave now that I feel so happy and hopeful about finding a relationship.
I have scrapped my original plan of moving deeper into the more sparsely populated part of the county. The sparser the population, the more interaction I have with people, and that is the exact opposite of what I want, so I may as well go back to a larger city, where I can walk around without everyone talking at me. I feel sick and dejected about the housing discrimination I've experienced (I did open a case with a fair housing association), and I don't want to experience more, so I'd somewhat rather go some place where my housing voucher is appreciated. And the third but by no means least important reason why I plan to move to a larger town is that dating will be easier. Theoretically.
I've finally figured out how to get a TCA peel to work here: a good moisturizer. I found one for just eight dollars at a local pharmacy. The last couple of times I tried this peel, I seriously messed up the skin on my face. It was skin deep, and it faded over time, but it was tough to deal with looking that way. My first TCA peels were effortless because I did them in Sacramento, where the humidity is high: I didn't have to put any moisturizer on.
I'm excited because I need this kind of peel to improve my skin. I was afraid I'd have no choice but to travel somewhere more humid to do them, which is something I wouldn't be able to afford any time soon.
Maybe if I find a long-term boyfriend, we can move together to one of these small forested towns. But I might still struggle to find enough space to do my daily walks without running into my neighbors.
Today I thought of a great place to look for a date: autism forums. I think I could be very comfortable with an autistic guy. Normies give me anxiety because they always expect shit that I cannot live up to.
OK, so I'm not a lesbian, I don't really have much of a problem letting that term go. I'm still attracted to womyn, so I'm def not straight. This is not actually an important discussion; I don't feel much of a need to call myself anything, I'm just posting my thoughts on the matter. The thing is that it just doesn't make any sense to me to see myself or be seen as the b-word (I don't even want to type it). I am attracted to such a narrow slice of the male population that I'm just like, why bother with that term?
Yes, I guess I also have bias against...either that word or the people it refers to, I'm not sure which yet. They just feel like...other people. Not a group of people I'm a part of. I guess I am subconsciously thinking of all of them I've come across online and remembering that so much of what they say about themselves and their attraction was unrelatable and sometimes kind of...ick? I don't know the word. Like once I was reading a woman's comments about how the sex of her partner didn't matter. Totally unrelatable to me then as well as now. I'm attracted to womyn specifically because they are female, or, more precisely, because they have certain female physiology. I cannot say quite the same thing about (east asian) men (although I do tend to prefer male voices and male hips). I'm interested in them because of what is in their minds, but that is somewhat affected by their hormonal disposition, which is related to their maleness. I still care what sex my partner is because that determines which of my likes and dislikes come into play.
I guess I just don't know how a person could be indifferent to a partner's sex. I also cannot exactly relate to being attracted to both sexes. The overwhelming majority of men are disgusting. I guess in my mind I see myself as sexually attracted to womyn and aesthetically and emotionally attracted to one small slice of men. That reads like "both" to some people, I'm sure, but it doesn't to me. This is a stupid and pointless discussion. No it isn't, now that I've thought about it a bit more: I'm capable of attraction to some east asian men specifically because they lack the disgusting qualities that most other men have, I'm indifferent to some of the qualities they share with other men (genitals), and other such qualities I dislike (such as shoulders broader than waist). That's why it makes no sense to me to say that I'm attracted to men in the same sense that I'm attracted to womyn: Although I'm attracted to specifically female traits, there's nothing specifically male that I'm attracted to. I want a certain kind of person and I cannot find it in a female body, plus I'm capable of enjoying it in a male body. A certain kind of person and a certain kind of aesthetic.
Yesterday, I looked up some pornographic images to see how I feel about them now (I've seen plenty because I used to watch porn when I was younger). Yep, still indifferent to dicks (this word bothers me now that I'm faced with the prospect of interacting with one). They might be better-looking on regular people; pornographic images tend to highlight large male genitals, which I surely have no preference for. Despite the indifference, the psychological bond and aesthetic attraction make sex possible and desirable. I guess I was ambivalent about it just a week ago; now I actively fantasize about it. Interesting.
I started my first Korean lesson yesterday and did my second today. It's been enjoyable. Starting a new foreign language always is, it seems.
I feel like I'm not done but I'm spending too much time on this post. My thoughts are not well-formed enough on today's topics for me to post in an organized, concise, and efficient manner, so I guess I'll think about it some more.
I'm been having trouble sticking with Mandarin these past few days. It's such a forgettable language with so many words that sound alike, and I'm having doubts about my ability to handle immigration, standing out as one of a few non-Chinese people (especially since I'm standing out here and not handling it well), and rather I actually want to leave now that I feel so happy and hopeful about finding a relationship.
