Lapsis

[disappointed_lesbian]

I'm sick of eating. I always have a sense of fullness from all the fiber I consume, so I don't want to eat even when I need to. Before I even started eating this way, I was already kinda sick of eating because I'd spent so many years eating just to keep my blood sugar on the level (I'm hypoglycemic). Now this on top of that. I hope my hunger decreases as I lose weight.

Was depressed today, found it harder to use computer games to deal with it, but I still played some and got through some levels I was stuck on before. I also watched a movie called Lapsis. It was about a new sector of the gig economy that sprung up around quantum computing. It was a weird movie. Because most of the film took place out in the semi-wildnerness of a national park and because creepy music played when the little automated bot things showed up out there, the movie had a horror vibe that didn't fit oddly with the plot.

Every time I go to post something on a forum, I think again about not having any friends to talk to instead, how I don't really value the opinions of the people I see on the forums but that I'm posting for lack of any other discussion, and my ambivalence about seeking friends. I doubt I'd find anyone even if I tried. I don't want to try. I don't expect to find anyone who likes me and I don't expect to find anyone I like.

I would want the friendship to center on some activity or just hanging at instead of personal shit, at least at first. Of course I would have a bit of personal interest in the other person, and would undoubtedly develop more over time, but I don't like what I've heard about friendship from other people. Their friendships seem way too focused on direct interpersonal interaction rather than just doing stuff together. I have a difficult time envisioning a friendship I would want and enjoy. I rarely enjoy it when other people even talk to me.

Few people have ever gotten to the point of having a mutually enjoyable conversation with me because they say stuff that doesn't interest me. Even though the shit is boring, I'm willing to keep trying, but the interactions never progress. I rarely have anything to say to anyone, so I'm not good at keeping them going. I tend to view greetings as something that should simply be regurgitated back at the greeter, not an opening to talk more, so, when I'm not paying attention, I don't even think about saying more.

At this point in my life, I'm tired of not being myself, so I don't want to try to communicate the way other people do or expect, so I'm even less likely (than I was when younger) to try to keep the conversation going. She (I'm not at all interested in befriending men) says "hi," I respond "hi," and that's the end of it. Sometimes she says "how are you?" and I respond mechanically "fine, thank you." It's a line I have prepared so I don't waste mental energy on this stupid, boring, and probably insincere question. I'm sure it doesn't help me seem interested. I'm sure it doesn't inspire people to keep talking to me. And I usually won't even say "how are you?" back because I don't usually care and don't want to be dishonest. I'm so so so tired of fake shit and the fake way people communicate.

Actually, I would care if a woman I was talking to needed some help. I would love to help someone. That would actually be a fulfilling interaction, much more satisfying than these brief greetings. But I don't have any friends to help, and strangers don't usually ask for help, so I never get the opportunity.

I'm having a difficult time maintaining my train of thought.

I have a small concern that I wouldn't want the friend so much anymore once my health improved and I could more easily fill up my time with hobbies. I guess that's not terrible, but I still would rather not do that to someone. The idea of people growing apart bothers me. I'm a tribal person and the tribe is supposed to be for life. I have no tribe, however; no family nor friends nor significant other. I don't even have acquaintances. Shit, I can't even focus on what I'm trying to say.

So as usual, I'm going to try to keep myself occupied until bedtime.

Speaking of bedtime, I've figured out that having the electricity cut entirely off in the bedroom is not working. I've been waking up earlier than usual, and I think it's because I'm cold in the mornings, despite how close we are to summer. I normally have the thermostat set to 55 degrees F overnight, and I think the lack of that is waking me up. So I'm going to keep the heat on, but the supply for the lights and electrical outlets will stay off during the night.

As I was saying, keep myself occupied, then my usual 1 AM dinner, then off to merciful unconsciousness, even if it's for only five hours.