The Perfect Storm

I've come to somewhat dread going to the community market. "Dread" is not quite the right word but I cannot think of a better term right now. They sell a delicious salad mix that I eat daily and therefore run out of rather often, plus they have the best supplements and self-care products, so I have occasion to go there more often than I'd like to.

But I have a crush on one of the employees. He's perfect. No he isn't. I don't even clearly know what he looks like because I'm so studious about not looking at his face, partially because autism, but also because I'm so attracted to him that I run the risk of being transfixed or overwhelmed by his gaze, his face, whatever, then acting weird in response. I avoid looking at most people's faces, but with this guy it's on another level.

Nothing important or terribly interesting is going to happen in this blog post. I'm just trying (and probably failing) to communicate the storm of emotions that have overtaken me.

Yesterday, I could no longer put off buying more salad mix, plus I was out of bananas, the foundation of my fruitarian diet, the best medicine for IBS. As I walked to the market entrance from across the parking lot, I think I saw him standing outside snacking on something, but I avoided looking in his direction. I didn't want to make eye contact, which is always awkward. I kind of don't want him to know that I'm crushing on him because we probably wouldn't work as a couple and because he probably isn't interested in me anyhow. I think he's significantly younger than I am (I'm far from sure, though), and who wants to date weirdo autistic womyn anyhow?

I didn't run into him while I was shopping but that's usual. I mostly see him working the cash register rather than stocking or other stuff in the aisles. Then when I went to checkout, there was a guy at the cash register, I still wasn't sure whether that was him, but I avoided that line just in case. A nice young lady rung up my produce haul, but the guy was at the next register over, working with his back to us and I chanced a look at him. I sort of recognize the way he dresses plus his body size and shape. The perfect shape, slim and just the right height.

He looked so good. He had on black pants, not tight but not clownishly loose like some guys wear their pants. I love black clothes. He had on this sort of hoodie jacket thing that looked really warm, comfortable, and good to snuggle up to. His clothes fit him well. And I have this weird thing about his clothes because they are the kind of clothes I wear too. It's a gay thing, homo, a two-pronged emotion? thought? that's one part desiring of the other and one part desiring the other's traits for oneself or appreciating the other's traits in oneself. It's the reason I was only ever attracted to butch lesbians. It's the reason I am attracted to females. It's the reason I would murder to have hips as slim as his. It's a lower level of gayness, maybe a more fundamental one.

One time on the old r/truelesbians subreddit (which got banned because Reddit is run by lesbiphobes and misogynists), I was reading a thread (is that what they're called?) by someone who was complaining about men appropriating lesbianism and being blatantly fake or maybe creepy about it by going on and on about how hot two female bodies were together. And she said that she wasn't turned on by the thought of both she and her partners being female, that she would be attracted to womyn even if she were a man. It was eye-opening and unrelatable. A large part of my attraction to womyn is due to us being the same sex, having the same physiology. I honestly wonder whether I'd be attracted to them if I were a man, especially now that I've found myself so unable to relate to them psychologically.

This to me seems like a shallow level of gayness: being attracted people who just happen to be of the same sex. Maybe "one-sided" is a better term than "shallow"? Ah, but when there is a connection between love of self and attraction to others, that is a profound thing. Or so it seems.

I need to stop thinking about this guy.

But thinking about him made me think about how to maximize my chances of getting and keeping a boyfriend, which greatly motivated me to clean my apartment today. I've been trying for a long time to clean more regularly, but I hate cleaning, I'm bad at cleaning, and it's difficult when health problems get in the way. I don't think I've ever continously cleaned for as long as I did today. It helped me keep my mind off him. I had my clock radio on while I cleaned the bathroom, I listened to some Chopin and Vivaldi. It was almost pleasant. I've gotten better at keeping my apartment tidy, but I still have some roadblocks. I have boxes of books and papers lying about, and I can never seem to keep them organized and/or go through them and toss out the ones I no longer want/need.

I also looked up Japanese bedding to see how far away I am from buying a bed. Some of the bedframes cost over a thousand dollars. I wouldn't pay that even if I had the money. I don't know how guys will take it, me having just a thin mattress on the floor or on some tatami mats. I need a boyfriend who is in shape enough to even comfortable navigate down to and on the floor.

I just really, really don't want a regular bed. They take up too much space, cost too much money, are huge and kind of depressing the way they dominate a room, and I'm just so used to sleeping on the floor.

I gained maybe a couple of pounds and I feel huge. The rain is robbing me of exercise opportunities. I tried out the little foot peddler I bought at the thrift store and found it surprisingly noisy. I'm worried about annoying my downstairs neighbors.

The thighs and hips are the last body parts to slim down, and they're the body part I want slim most of all. Cruel female-pattern fat distribution.