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More Waiting Awaits
Sep. 2nd, 2024 10:08 pmI'm sleeping less than ever, yet I have more energy and focus because I'm no longer sedating myself with shit tons of melatonin. It's crazy how melatonin seems to affect me all day after I've taken it the evening before. I'd added an extended release melatonin to my regular routine (regular melatonin 2 hours before bed + quick release melatonin at bedtime), and it made me drowsy all day without helping me sleep. So no more than two types of melatonin per night for me, preferably just one. I'm going to swap out the regular melatonin for the extended release one and see if the latter keeps me asleep for more than five hours.
I've been really upset about my face but I have some hope now. The peels I've done so far didn't accomplish much and I also gave myself a bit of pih (meaning part of my face looks worse). However, I found out that I can use a Jessner peel to gradually fade the existing pih with a low probability of giving myself more. Jessner peels contain a lower concentration of the peel I was using (TCA). I probably shouldn't have been using a 25% TCA peel anyhow (20% is what I have the most experience with), but I was impatient. The Jessner peel contains %15. Maybe I should go back to 20% but now I guess I'm ready to swing back in the other direction in terms of risk-taking.
My face looks bad and I'm not sure how long this is going to take. I can't really date looking like this, so I'm very upset that that's on hold. All of this suffering for lack of money. If I had money, I could go stay in Sacramento and TCA-blast my face without these risks. I've thought about moving to Sacramento in case I'm ever in this situation again, but the heat there is insane. I've heard it's been over one hundred degrees multiple times this summer. Anyways, I won't be in this situation again because now I know how to do some type of peel and I can nip pih in the bud shortly after it happens rather than allowing it to progress to where it is now.
I'm dying to start dating. In the meantime, I'm trying to distract myself by focusing on other things I would like to improve to help me get and keep a partner. I've been putting more effort into keeping my apartment clean. I did a big purge today to clear out my kitchen and living room. I'm still experimenting with my hair. I'm working on a habit I've developed of saying crazy shit to myself while alone. I just know that sooner or later I'll end up saying it in front of whomever I'm around long enough.
My DOR counselor asked about the funds she'd sent. I'd intended to use the money on what we agreed on, but I ended up spending it on supplements I need. It's just too difficult to live on my ~$240 monthly income, so I tripped up this time. I need vitamin D3 everyday and the thirty-dollar bottle is the most economical. My tub of powdered magnesium keeps migraines away. Etc. Plus I had a huge hole in one of my shoes, so I had to use the partial reimbursement for my Internet service to buy a new pair of shoes.
I was going to make up the money with my regular income this month, but that didn't work out. Half of my underwear have giant holes in them, and I cannot even afford a new pack. My energy bill is a month past due.
I just told my counselor the truth in an email. What'll they do, drop me from the program? I don't care.
I've found that I need to keep my fruit consumption quite high to avoid the post BM stomach cramps I get when I sleep as little as I do now. It's a pain in the ass. On the agenda for my next grocery haul is to increase the amount of fruit I purchase. I have no idea what I'll do once the discount grocery store runs out of cheap canned fruit. This diet is quite unaffordable without that. Ah, I was able to get a bit more fruit from the food bank last week. So going to that regularly would help.
I have been thinking about how to find a boyfriend who isn't an asshole. I honestly suspect that the majority of men are misogynists, although many of them are the more benign, subconscious kind of misogynist. Anyways, the strategy involves waiting and getting to know the person. It's nothing exciting. And I'm imagining it's going to be something like torture because I need sex like yesterday. I'm waiting now and more waiting awaits me. I'm not getting any goddamned younger.
I've been really upset about my face but I have some hope now. The peels I've done so far didn't accomplish much and I also gave myself a bit of pih (meaning part of my face looks worse). However, I found out that I can use a Jessner peel to gradually fade the existing pih with a low probability of giving myself more. Jessner peels contain a lower concentration of the peel I was using (TCA). I probably shouldn't have been using a 25% TCA peel anyhow (20% is what I have the most experience with), but I was impatient. The Jessner peel contains %15. Maybe I should go back to 20% but now I guess I'm ready to swing back in the other direction in terms of risk-taking.
My face looks bad and I'm not sure how long this is going to take. I can't really date looking like this, so I'm very upset that that's on hold. All of this suffering for lack of money. If I had money, I could go stay in Sacramento and TCA-blast my face without these risks. I've thought about moving to Sacramento in case I'm ever in this situation again, but the heat there is insane. I've heard it's been over one hundred degrees multiple times this summer. Anyways, I won't be in this situation again because now I know how to do some type of peel and I can nip pih in the bud shortly after it happens rather than allowing it to progress to where it is now.
I'm dying to start dating. In the meantime, I'm trying to distract myself by focusing on other things I would like to improve to help me get and keep a partner. I've been putting more effort into keeping my apartment clean. I did a big purge today to clear out my kitchen and living room. I'm still experimenting with my hair. I'm working on a habit I've developed of saying crazy shit to myself while alone. I just know that sooner or later I'll end up saying it in front of whomever I'm around long enough.
My DOR counselor asked about the funds she'd sent. I'd intended to use the money on what we agreed on, but I ended up spending it on supplements I need. It's just too difficult to live on my ~$240 monthly income, so I tripped up this time. I need vitamin D3 everyday and the thirty-dollar bottle is the most economical. My tub of powdered magnesium keeps migraines away. Etc. Plus I had a huge hole in one of my shoes, so I had to use the partial reimbursement for my Internet service to buy a new pair of shoes.
I was going to make up the money with my regular income this month, but that didn't work out. Half of my underwear have giant holes in them, and I cannot even afford a new pack. My energy bill is a month past due.
I just told my counselor the truth in an email. What'll they do, drop me from the program? I don't care.
I've found that I need to keep my fruit consumption quite high to avoid the post BM stomach cramps I get when I sleep as little as I do now. It's a pain in the ass. On the agenda for my next grocery haul is to increase the amount of fruit I purchase. I have no idea what I'll do once the discount grocery store runs out of cheap canned fruit. This diet is quite unaffordable without that. Ah, I was able to get a bit more fruit from the food bank last week. So going to that regularly would help.
I have been thinking about how to find a boyfriend who isn't an asshole. I honestly suspect that the majority of men are misogynists, although many of them are the more benign, subconscious kind of misogynist. Anyways, the strategy involves waiting and getting to know the person. It's nothing exciting. And I'm imagining it's going to be something like torture because I need sex like yesterday. I'm waiting now and more waiting awaits me. I'm not getting any goddamned younger.
