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Missed Another Medical Appointment Today
Jun. 25th, 2024 11:51 pmCouldn't remember where I needed to disembark, got off at the wrong train station. The train doesn't come very often, so there was no taking the next one. Tried taking the bus knowing I'd arrive ten minutes late, ended up at the wrong bus stop. Both the county bus and the city bus stop at most bus stops, but I happened to be waiting at one of the exceptions. The correct bus stop turned out to be less than a block away. I should have known; I'd used it before. Insomnia and fatigue destroying my memory and other cognitive abilities.
So I ended up wasting hours and some money as well. Missed my appointment entirely and came home rather despondent.
I managed to get some extra sleep a couple of days ago but woke up with a migraine. The migraine came back yesterday and again today. I seem to have found some kind of unorthodox migraine treatment. Usually, looking at a computer screen while I have a migraine makes my head hurt worse. Hovever, when I play the computer game zaz, the pain subsides.
I'm afraid that I'm being discriminated against by the property management company to whom I've applied to rent a house. I've sent my application multiple times, and the person I've been interacting with keeps saying she hasn't received it. I sent it again today. They might be stalling, hoping that someone who does not have a housing voucher applies so that they can pretend that person was the first to submit a complete application. First-come, first-served is their policy.
This housing thing is exhausting and very distressing. I hate being at the mercy of other people for housing. I hate renting. I hate that money rules everything in this society. Housing-for-profit is disastrous for poor people, that's why there are so many on the streets. Without safe, stable, wholesome housing, I can't even compete on the money score. It's like I'm trapped. I can't get a job until I get my energy and cognitive function back, and I'm not getting that back until I get out of here.
If I don't get a response tomorrow, I'm going to report this place for discrimination. I don't even give a shit anymore. I can't take this. Maybe it'll ruin my chances, but at least this will be over and maybe they'll be less likely to try this with other prospective tenants.
Every morning, shortly after I wake up, I remember what my life is like, has been like, and my mood drops. I start the day off feeling like shit physically and psychologically, with no solution but distraction. But focusing on my distractions is becoming more and more difficult. It seems less and less possible that I can ever recover, even if I make it out of this country. I feel devastated and frozen because my life has been made so difficult by other people. I don't know how to deal with having so little control over my own life. My strategy is to simply keep going step-by-step, day-by-day, without berating myself too much for fatigue-induced poor choices or lack of productivity. Just study my Chinese every day and bide my time. Sooner or later, I'll get somewhere.
Nothing new is happening. I'm still grinding away trying to find a new home, trying to see an audiologist, trying to get my disability recognized, tryng to get more sleep, trying to get a job, trying to find a way to survive psychologically, trying to accomplish basic tasks with little energy and 5 hours of sleep per night.
I got another VOIP phone, and I'm having the same problems I had with my other VOIP providers: after I put down the receiver, the phone rings almost immediately, re-establishing the last connection. This never happened when I had proper landline service. Maybe I'll try a new phone anyhow. That's another thing I have to ask DOR for. I'm tired of asking DOR for stuff. It seems ridiculous that I have to ask for funds for a new phone and answering machine, but that's how poor I am. The answering machine was a four-dollar thrift-store-buy, so I'm not surprised at how soon it died. Shit, my keyboard is dying as well. I don't want to ask for funds, but I need them. Even a twenty-dollar keyboard or phone is a burden for me.
So I ended up wasting hours and some money as well. Missed my appointment entirely and came home rather despondent.
I managed to get some extra sleep a couple of days ago but woke up with a migraine. The migraine came back yesterday and again today. I seem to have found some kind of unorthodox migraine treatment. Usually, looking at a computer screen while I have a migraine makes my head hurt worse. Hovever, when I play the computer game zaz, the pain subsides.
I'm afraid that I'm being discriminated against by the property management company to whom I've applied to rent a house. I've sent my application multiple times, and the person I've been interacting with keeps saying she hasn't received it. I sent it again today. They might be stalling, hoping that someone who does not have a housing voucher applies so that they can pretend that person was the first to submit a complete application. First-come, first-served is their policy.
This housing thing is exhausting and very distressing. I hate being at the mercy of other people for housing. I hate renting. I hate that money rules everything in this society. Housing-for-profit is disastrous for poor people, that's why there are so many on the streets. Without safe, stable, wholesome housing, I can't even compete on the money score. It's like I'm trapped. I can't get a job until I get my energy and cognitive function back, and I'm not getting that back until I get out of here.
If I don't get a response tomorrow, I'm going to report this place for discrimination. I don't even give a shit anymore. I can't take this. Maybe it'll ruin my chances, but at least this will be over and maybe they'll be less likely to try this with other prospective tenants.
Every morning, shortly after I wake up, I remember what my life is like, has been like, and my mood drops. I start the day off feeling like shit physically and psychologically, with no solution but distraction. But focusing on my distractions is becoming more and more difficult. It seems less and less possible that I can ever recover, even if I make it out of this country. I feel devastated and frozen because my life has been made so difficult by other people. I don't know how to deal with having so little control over my own life. My strategy is to simply keep going step-by-step, day-by-day, without berating myself too much for fatigue-induced poor choices or lack of productivity. Just study my Chinese every day and bide my time. Sooner or later, I'll get somewhere.
Nothing new is happening. I'm still grinding away trying to find a new home, trying to see an audiologist, trying to get my disability recognized, tryng to get more sleep, trying to get a job, trying to find a way to survive psychologically, trying to accomplish basic tasks with little energy and 5 hours of sleep per night.
I got another VOIP phone, and I'm having the same problems I had with my other VOIP providers: after I put down the receiver, the phone rings almost immediately, re-establishing the last connection. This never happened when I had proper landline service. Maybe I'll try a new phone anyhow. That's another thing I have to ask DOR for. I'm tired of asking DOR for stuff. It seems ridiculous that I have to ask for funds for a new phone and answering machine, but that's how poor I am. The answering machine was a four-dollar thrift-store-buy, so I'm not surprised at how soon it died. Shit, my keyboard is dying as well. I don't want to ask for funds, but I need them. Even a twenty-dollar keyboard or phone is a burden for me.
