I won't help you destroy the world
Mar. 4th, 2026 11:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disappointed_lesbianStomach cramps, gonna post instead of studying.
Been slacking on the iron intake, so I've been cold again these past two or three days. Tired of this bullshit. Still having hot flashes though. I get cold and hot at the same time.
I almost never have cavities. I think I ended up with cavities because of all the coconut sugar I've been eating. I don't normally eat sugar. I'm going back to sweetening my oatmeal with applesauce and fruit juice. When I have chocolate oatmeal, I'll use the low-cal stevia sweetener. This should save me some calories.
The pih around my mouth seems to be fading, but I'm a little afraid that it's just my imagination. Aside from a fading mark between my eyebrows, the rest of my face doesn't look much different.
Korean is starting to take over my life a little bit, so I need to pull back. I need to focus on my future instead of getting too engrossed in a hobby.
I got through a backlog of Mandarin flashcards last night. Most of the cards that were in the learning stage had to be downgraded to basically new cards because I had forgotten them. I studied these 'new' cards after breakfst this morning, which is when I used to study new Mandarin flashcards upuntil about a week ago, and it felt kind of nice. It felt productive. More productive than trying to read with the pop-up dictonary. Maybe I just needed a break; maybe I'll go back to it, perhaps with fewer new cards per day. I was hellbent on learning about sixteen new terms per day, and that took a lot of time.
Not sure what to do about the sleep. The amount of melatonin I take doesn't seem to matter. Tonight I'm trying some glycine, which tends to keep me drowsy all day, but I had a tiny amount.
Thinking about my tentative plans to study applied math, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to help anyone build anything. I want the world to de-industrialize, not build/erect/engineer more shit that's going to pollute the environment, displace people, or destroy. I can't think of what else I might be working on with an applied math degree. It's essentially an engineering tool.
On the other hand, I cannot think of anything else that's both minimally interesting to me and a source of easily marketable skills. STEM shit is always in demand, and I've had so much trouble finding work, I want to make the job search easier on myself.
Software engineering is an option, but I'm honestly not that good at it (although great compared to the average person), and I'd end up in a support role for some shit that's already been built and is making life more difficult for people or polluting the environment, for example, these garbage modern websites that track users all over the internet and secretly send data to Facebook or some type of fossil-fuel eating vehicle. I thought about going into aerospace programming, but aerospace vehicles are some of the most polluting things in existence, plus I don't know how easy it would be to find a job with a company that is not involved in defense aka war aka killing and destroying.
It would be great if I could find work doing something to make the world a better place. Outside of medicine and education, however, there aren't many jobs that make the world a better place. What would make the world a better place is convincing people to stop destroying the earth, other animals, and each other, or preventing those things. Not a lot of ways to generate money from that, however.
I think the closest I could come is some type of environmental science, which I don't think I would be good at or even terribly interested in. Plus, politicians and corporations, the biggest polluters of them all, don't necessarily listen to scientists. There's no way for me to be a scientist anyhow; it takes too much time and social bullshit. But perhaps some kind of support role.
I want to have sex with my endocrinologist so bad. I've been thinking about him a lot again lately.
I wonder how the environmental effects of the construction and disposal of electric car batteries compares to gas-powered car emissions. Electric cars were supposed to solve the problems caused by gas-powered vehicles. People wouldn't have to drive so much if cities weren't designed with shopping, workplaces, etc. so far away from residential areas and so spread out. But that's a difficult thing to fix because so many places would have to be torn down and rebuilt. If public transportation could be improved, it would become a viable alternative. The government would have to invest in it up front because all the people choosing to drive or carpool instead of taking public transportation are not paying fares, which would go towards improvement. The world is just such a mess.
And it's bedtime now.
Bottom line is that I don't want to get more qualifications just to continue to deal with the stress and poor job choices that currently characterizes my employment horizons. I want to do something peaceful, sustainable, healthy, something genuinely helpful, something I can feel good about.
Been slacking on the iron intake, so I've been cold again these past two or three days. Tired of this bullshit. Still having hot flashes though. I get cold and hot at the same time.
I almost never have cavities. I think I ended up with cavities because of all the coconut sugar I've been eating. I don't normally eat sugar. I'm going back to sweetening my oatmeal with applesauce and fruit juice. When I have chocolate oatmeal, I'll use the low-cal stevia sweetener. This should save me some calories.
The pih around my mouth seems to be fading, but I'm a little afraid that it's just my imagination. Aside from a fading mark between my eyebrows, the rest of my face doesn't look much different.
Korean is starting to take over my life a little bit, so I need to pull back. I need to focus on my future instead of getting too engrossed in a hobby.
I got through a backlog of Mandarin flashcards last night. Most of the cards that were in the learning stage had to be downgraded to basically new cards because I had forgotten them. I studied these 'new' cards after breakfst this morning, which is when I used to study new Mandarin flashcards upuntil about a week ago, and it felt kind of nice. It felt productive. More productive than trying to read with the pop-up dictonary. Maybe I just needed a break; maybe I'll go back to it, perhaps with fewer new cards per day. I was hellbent on learning about sixteen new terms per day, and that took a lot of time.
Not sure what to do about the sleep. The amount of melatonin I take doesn't seem to matter. Tonight I'm trying some glycine, which tends to keep me drowsy all day, but I had a tiny amount.
Thinking about my tentative plans to study applied math, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to help anyone build anything. I want the world to de-industrialize, not build/erect/engineer more shit that's going to pollute the environment, displace people, or destroy. I can't think of what else I might be working on with an applied math degree. It's essentially an engineering tool.
On the other hand, I cannot think of anything else that's both minimally interesting to me and a source of easily marketable skills. STEM shit is always in demand, and I've had so much trouble finding work, I want to make the job search easier on myself.
Software engineering is an option, but I'm honestly not that good at it (although great compared to the average person), and I'd end up in a support role for some shit that's already been built and is making life more difficult for people or polluting the environment, for example, these garbage modern websites that track users all over the internet and secretly send data to Facebook or some type of fossil-fuel eating vehicle. I thought about going into aerospace programming, but aerospace vehicles are some of the most polluting things in existence, plus I don't know how easy it would be to find a job with a company that is not involved in defense aka war aka killing and destroying.
It would be great if I could find work doing something to make the world a better place. Outside of medicine and education, however, there aren't many jobs that make the world a better place. What would make the world a better place is convincing people to stop destroying the earth, other animals, and each other, or preventing those things. Not a lot of ways to generate money from that, however.
I think the closest I could come is some type of environmental science, which I don't think I would be good at or even terribly interested in. Plus, politicians and corporations, the biggest polluters of them all, don't necessarily listen to scientists. There's no way for me to be a scientist anyhow; it takes too much time and social bullshit. But perhaps some kind of support role.
I want to have sex with my endocrinologist so bad. I've been thinking about him a lot again lately.
I wonder how the environmental effects of the construction and disposal of electric car batteries compares to gas-powered car emissions. Electric cars were supposed to solve the problems caused by gas-powered vehicles. People wouldn't have to drive so much if cities weren't designed with shopping, workplaces, etc. so far away from residential areas and so spread out. But that's a difficult thing to fix because so many places would have to be torn down and rebuilt. If public transportation could be improved, it would become a viable alternative. The government would have to invest in it up front because all the people choosing to drive or carpool instead of taking public transportation are not paying fares, which would go towards improvement. The world is just such a mess.
And it's bedtime now.
Bottom line is that I don't want to get more qualifications just to continue to deal with the stress and poor job choices that currently characterizes my employment horizons. I want to do something peaceful, sustainable, healthy, something genuinely helpful, something I can feel good about.
