I'm no mechanic
Dec. 26th, 2025 05:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disappointed_lesbianI slept for most of the night last night. I woke up three times but got back to sleep without much trouble. I think the trick was keeping the heater on all night and turning it down after I woke up the first time. I've been waking up in the middle of the night feeling a bit too warm lately.
It's bothersome that I still need the heater because running it costs a fortune, but expensive sleep is better than insufficient sleep. Given my latest heating bill, I'm not doing too badly.
If I can keep this up, I'm expecting IBS to resolve completely. That'll be three medical conditions resolved, and then I'll just have autism to contend with.
I have considered that the anxiety my neighbors give me has become a factor in my medical conditions. I'm thinking that's not the case, but, if it is, I might not achieve complete resolution. I might have to adopt some tactics to get them to leave me alone. People avoided me when I wore a mask, so I've considered doing that again, but masks aren't that comfortable. Maybe wearing one wouldn't be too bad in winter, especially one of the soft cotton ones I have, but I'm not going to wear one in summer. Or I'll just start telling people to stop talking to me. Not an efficient solution because I'll have to do it several times, and then yet more if I run into new people.
IBS symptoms usually improve after I wake up from better-than-usual sleep, so I'm disappointed and a little surprised at today's constipation and mild stomach cramps.
Perhaps a month ago, I read something on Reddit about Americans not appreciating the opportunities that our society affords us. The more I revisit that idea, the more it annoys me because those opportunities are available very unevenly. One has to dodge child abuse/neglect, sexual assault, racism, ageism, poverty, cronyism, and disability. The stress of trying to avoid crime, of being unable to trust anyone, offsets economic and education opportunities. Social opportunities are lacking.
There's not a whole lot of opportunity to get ahead here in California because governments allow landlords to charge exorbitent rents, which leave renters either homeless or without the funds to do much else besides pay rent. People cannot move up in jobs because the entry levels don't put roofs over their heads. Employers have a bag of tricks they use to avoid giving employees stability and benefits, such as never allowing full-time hours and hiring applicants as contractors instead of as employees.
I read somewhere that the postal service is hiring, so I checked out the careers online and found one for which I likely qualify: Maintenance Mechanic. I was excited because I almost never find promising jobs for which I'm qualified. I looked for the test prep book on my county library's websites. There was a listing for the book but no copies are available. That was disappointing because I'm used to public libraries having test prep books and because I can't afford to book. I thought about asking DOR to buy it for me, searched online, and ended up on the postal service web page for the position. There were practice questions for the test, and I went through a few of them.
As soon as I looked at the first one, I was hit with the fact that I didn't care about that particular body of knowledge. It's practical mechanical and electrical stuff and that's not something that interests me professionally. I want to know why things work; that's why I studied physics. The job would be ok if it were mostly stuff I already know, but there's an element of training and growth involved with the job and I don't want to commit to learning that boring stuff, nor do I want to endure the social interaction involved in being trained or, later, training others. It's not just boring, it'd be frustrating because I'd want to go beyond the 'what' to the 'why,' and I wouldn't get those answers unless I studied physics, which I wouldn't really have the time/energy for. I felt the same frustration in the military. I'm no mechanic.
Also, postal service positions are really careers, not just jobs, and I respect that to the extent that I won't waste the service's time vying for a career that I'm not going to be engaged with. My attitude towards a mere job would be different.
I decided that I'm going to give up on spending all this time and energy looking into jobs I don't actually want. Finding a job is so onerous that I may as well spend my life doing what I want (math, physics, and the history/philosophy of physics), and doing what I want is more likely to lead me to a job or career that I actually want. If it doesn't lead there, oh well, I'll just keep living off of taxpayers. They're benefitting off of a system that has disadvantaged me in several ways. I'm hoping that doing what I like will help me psychologically recover. Being in the headspace of this endless struggle to find work in an impossible economy and giving up on my actual interests and areas of competence is doing the opposite.
So, instead of a test prep book, I requested a book on the history of concepts of space. I was excited to find that book because it's a Dover book, and Dover Publishing has put out some really clearly written books. Once I get through that, I have a textbook on space physics lined up. While I'm waiting for the Dover book to arrive, I'm going to do my damndest to finally finish this book on philosophy of quantum mechanics, plus I have a beginning astronomy text I'd like to look over to prepare myself for the space physics book. I feel relieved and a bit overwhelmed. Also a bit apprehensive because it sort of feels like I'm abandoning the job search. But I'm not abandoning it, not entirely; I'm just not going to waste so much time on unsuitable jobs. I still have a practical skill, editing, that is marketable, and that's the kind of job I'll "settle" for if I cannot find anything that actually interests me.
I feel like I have to shift gears to get back into reading long-form non-fiction, especially the dense STEM kind. It feels a little scary to step away from the distraction of the Internet, to be alone with a book and my thoughts, which at this point in my life tend to despair. I don't want to be clobbered by my intrusive memories and then have to additionally face my failure to engage in my own interests. It was so much easier to focus when I was younger, before I had accumulated this life experience that weighs me down, when I actually had hope of being some kind of scientist. Now it's almost like nothing but escaping assault is worthy of my attention.
Posting in this journal is another distraction; posting is good to an extent but I drag out the entries to avoid facing life. So right now I'm pulling myself away from this entry.
It's bothersome that I still need the heater because running it costs a fortune, but expensive sleep is better than insufficient sleep. Given my latest heating bill, I'm not doing too badly.
If I can keep this up, I'm expecting IBS to resolve completely. That'll be three medical conditions resolved, and then I'll just have autism to contend with.
I have considered that the anxiety my neighbors give me has become a factor in my medical conditions. I'm thinking that's not the case, but, if it is, I might not achieve complete resolution. I might have to adopt some tactics to get them to leave me alone. People avoided me when I wore a mask, so I've considered doing that again, but masks aren't that comfortable. Maybe wearing one wouldn't be too bad in winter, especially one of the soft cotton ones I have, but I'm not going to wear one in summer. Or I'll just start telling people to stop talking to me. Not an efficient solution because I'll have to do it several times, and then yet more if I run into new people.
IBS symptoms usually improve after I wake up from better-than-usual sleep, so I'm disappointed and a little surprised at today's constipation and mild stomach cramps.
Perhaps a month ago, I read something on Reddit about Americans not appreciating the opportunities that our society affords us. The more I revisit that idea, the more it annoys me because those opportunities are available very unevenly. One has to dodge child abuse/neglect, sexual assault, racism, ageism, poverty, cronyism, and disability. The stress of trying to avoid crime, of being unable to trust anyone, offsets economic and education opportunities. Social opportunities are lacking.
There's not a whole lot of opportunity to get ahead here in California because governments allow landlords to charge exorbitent rents, which leave renters either homeless or without the funds to do much else besides pay rent. People cannot move up in jobs because the entry levels don't put roofs over their heads. Employers have a bag of tricks they use to avoid giving employees stability and benefits, such as never allowing full-time hours and hiring applicants as contractors instead of as employees.
I read somewhere that the postal service is hiring, so I checked out the careers online and found one for which I likely qualify: Maintenance Mechanic. I was excited because I almost never find promising jobs for which I'm qualified. I looked for the test prep book on my county library's websites. There was a listing for the book but no copies are available. That was disappointing because I'm used to public libraries having test prep books and because I can't afford to book. I thought about asking DOR to buy it for me, searched online, and ended up on the postal service web page for the position. There were practice questions for the test, and I went through a few of them.
As soon as I looked at the first one, I was hit with the fact that I didn't care about that particular body of knowledge. It's practical mechanical and electrical stuff and that's not something that interests me professionally. I want to know why things work; that's why I studied physics. The job would be ok if it were mostly stuff I already know, but there's an element of training and growth involved with the job and I don't want to commit to learning that boring stuff, nor do I want to endure the social interaction involved in being trained or, later, training others. It's not just boring, it'd be frustrating because I'd want to go beyond the 'what' to the 'why,' and I wouldn't get those answers unless I studied physics, which I wouldn't really have the time/energy for. I felt the same frustration in the military. I'm no mechanic.
Also, postal service positions are really careers, not just jobs, and I respect that to the extent that I won't waste the service's time vying for a career that I'm not going to be engaged with. My attitude towards a mere job would be different.
I decided that I'm going to give up on spending all this time and energy looking into jobs I don't actually want. Finding a job is so onerous that I may as well spend my life doing what I want (math, physics, and the history/philosophy of physics), and doing what I want is more likely to lead me to a job or career that I actually want. If it doesn't lead there, oh well, I'll just keep living off of taxpayers. They're benefitting off of a system that has disadvantaged me in several ways. I'm hoping that doing what I like will help me psychologically recover. Being in the headspace of this endless struggle to find work in an impossible economy and giving up on my actual interests and areas of competence is doing the opposite.
So, instead of a test prep book, I requested a book on the history of concepts of space. I was excited to find that book because it's a Dover book, and Dover Publishing has put out some really clearly written books. Once I get through that, I have a textbook on space physics lined up. While I'm waiting for the Dover book to arrive, I'm going to do my damndest to finally finish this book on philosophy of quantum mechanics, plus I have a beginning astronomy text I'd like to look over to prepare myself for the space physics book. I feel relieved and a bit overwhelmed. Also a bit apprehensive because it sort of feels like I'm abandoning the job search. But I'm not abandoning it, not entirely; I'm just not going to waste so much time on unsuitable jobs. I still have a practical skill, editing, that is marketable, and that's the kind of job I'll "settle" for if I cannot find anything that actually interests me.
I feel like I have to shift gears to get back into reading long-form non-fiction, especially the dense STEM kind. It feels a little scary to step away from the distraction of the Internet, to be alone with a book and my thoughts, which at this point in my life tend to despair. I don't want to be clobbered by my intrusive memories and then have to additionally face my failure to engage in my own interests. It was so much easier to focus when I was younger, before I had accumulated this life experience that weighs me down, when I actually had hope of being some kind of scientist. Now it's almost like nothing but escaping assault is worthy of my attention.
Posting in this journal is another distraction; posting is good to an extent but I drag out the entries to avoid facing life. So right now I'm pulling myself away from this entry.
