Spending Half The Day Trying to Void
Dec. 22nd, 2025 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disappointed_lesbianIt's three sixteen pm and I've been trying to have a bowel movement since around noon. That's when the second attempt started; I made a not-very-successful first attempt first thing in the morning, as I usually do, with a large dose of coffee and a small amount of fruit. After hours of internet research, this second attempt at an afternoon bowel movement has included dark chocolate, a huge dose of vitamin C, more coffee, and a small bit of banana, along with my constipation meds.
Ingestion of dark chocolate improved constipation for Japanese women at least:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/389588621_Ingestion_of_dark_chocolate_improves_constipation_and_alters_the_intestinal_microbiota_in_Japanese_women
I didn't sleep unusually poorly last night, so I'm not sure what the problem is. I did, however, take a huge dose of melatonin, and today I came across an internet article about melatonin causing constipation. I've simply got to get off the melatonin. Tonight is going to be my first attempt to decrease my dose.
I'm upset that I've not been able to focus on what I wanted to accomplish today, that I've spent so much time and money on this problem (the goddamned chocolate cost me five bucks). I did do some job searching, but I didn't find anything. I managed to call about my liquid iron; the clinic is still waiting on the provider to respond to the pharmacy.
I'd planned to contact my DOR counselor about funds for an electric scooter so I can have transportation to work without the noise of public transportation, but, after researching the job I'd planned to ride the scooter to, I decided that the position is not a good fit. It's a manufacturing role that involves physical precision, which is something I don't care about, don't like paying attention to, and would find frustrating. Something to do with making sure paper gets on rolls properly.
I really am an idea worker; I can do simple manual labor or manufacturing, but not precision shit. Plus I think the shifts are like ten hours long, which is abusive. I found another job on the same board that required twelve-hour shifts, and for data entry, something that requires a lot of attention. Twelve hours of entering data sounds like a whole new circle of hell. The job market is really horrendous. There are people who have little choice but to take these kinds of jobs, and that's depressing. Although I'm living in poverty, I have the freedom to take the time to look for work that isn't horrible. In the meantime, I need to get my health in order. My life feels so much more orderly already, now that I'm not dealing with feeling cold all the time.
Success. Finally. An hour and a quarter later. But still not a full movement. Never that. And now I have stomach cramps. Stomach cramps vs. constipation, stomach cramps vs. menstrual cramps, these are choices I've had to make quite a few times. Fortunately, I have some leftover dicyclomine that's been working even though it's expired.
Lately my stool has a disturbing appearance: flattened and grooved, as if forced through some narrow and oddly-shaped aperture. Makes me wonder, fear, what is happening inside me.
I'm wondering whether I should see a somatic therapist to help me with my insomnia. I'm wondering whether that's the only option that will actually work, if it even has any hope of working. Are there things I can do by myself? Yet more research needed.
I'm resentful that I ever had to experience homelessness at all. A hard-working, college-educated veteran trapped in homelessness for years makes no sense. But the real kicker is that even with a job, rent is often unaffordable. I had jobs when I was homeless, but I never earned enough to house myself, and I still would have been very poor even if I'd had full-time hours. There's like no way to win in this society.
It would be good if I could stop using the computer at least an hour before bedtime, but I don't have much to do for that hour: no fiction to read, not enough energy/peace of mind to read nonfiction or non-English fiction. I don't have anything relaxing to do. I could study if I had Chinese books. I need to be able to fall asleep without quick-release melatonin, and I think less screentime near bedtime would help.
For lunch today I had a very delicious stew of polenta, white beans, kale, tomato, and zucchini. It was difficult to stop eating. Then again, it's always difficult to stop eating when I have beans. Not because they are so delicious, but because something about them prevents me from feeling satisfied. But stopping was easier today, I think because it was the taste and not the mysterious lack of satisfaction in play.
Ingestion of dark chocolate improved constipation for Japanese women at least:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/389588621_Ingestion_of_dark_chocolate_improves_constipation_and_alters_the_intestinal_microbiota_in_Japanese_women
I didn't sleep unusually poorly last night, so I'm not sure what the problem is. I did, however, take a huge dose of melatonin, and today I came across an internet article about melatonin causing constipation. I've simply got to get off the melatonin. Tonight is going to be my first attempt to decrease my dose.
I'm upset that I've not been able to focus on what I wanted to accomplish today, that I've spent so much time and money on this problem (the goddamned chocolate cost me five bucks). I did do some job searching, but I didn't find anything. I managed to call about my liquid iron; the clinic is still waiting on the provider to respond to the pharmacy.
I'd planned to contact my DOR counselor about funds for an electric scooter so I can have transportation to work without the noise of public transportation, but, after researching the job I'd planned to ride the scooter to, I decided that the position is not a good fit. It's a manufacturing role that involves physical precision, which is something I don't care about, don't like paying attention to, and would find frustrating. Something to do with making sure paper gets on rolls properly.
I really am an idea worker; I can do simple manual labor or manufacturing, but not precision shit. Plus I think the shifts are like ten hours long, which is abusive. I found another job on the same board that required twelve-hour shifts, and for data entry, something that requires a lot of attention. Twelve hours of entering data sounds like a whole new circle of hell. The job market is really horrendous. There are people who have little choice but to take these kinds of jobs, and that's depressing. Although I'm living in poverty, I have the freedom to take the time to look for work that isn't horrible. In the meantime, I need to get my health in order. My life feels so much more orderly already, now that I'm not dealing with feeling cold all the time.
Success. Finally. An hour and a quarter later. But still not a full movement. Never that. And now I have stomach cramps. Stomach cramps vs. constipation, stomach cramps vs. menstrual cramps, these are choices I've had to make quite a few times. Fortunately, I have some leftover dicyclomine that's been working even though it's expired.
Lately my stool has a disturbing appearance: flattened and grooved, as if forced through some narrow and oddly-shaped aperture. Makes me wonder, fear, what is happening inside me.
I'm wondering whether I should see a somatic therapist to help me with my insomnia. I'm wondering whether that's the only option that will actually work, if it even has any hope of working. Are there things I can do by myself? Yet more research needed.
I'm resentful that I ever had to experience homelessness at all. A hard-working, college-educated veteran trapped in homelessness for years makes no sense. But the real kicker is that even with a job, rent is often unaffordable. I had jobs when I was homeless, but I never earned enough to house myself, and I still would have been very poor even if I'd had full-time hours. There's like no way to win in this society.
It would be good if I could stop using the computer at least an hour before bedtime, but I don't have much to do for that hour: no fiction to read, not enough energy/peace of mind to read nonfiction or non-English fiction. I don't have anything relaxing to do. I could study if I had Chinese books. I need to be able to fall asleep without quick-release melatonin, and I think less screentime near bedtime would help.
For lunch today I had a very delicious stew of polenta, white beans, kale, tomato, and zucchini. It was difficult to stop eating. Then again, it's always difficult to stop eating when I have beans. Not because they are so delicious, but because something about them prevents me from feeling satisfied. But stopping was easier today, I think because it was the taste and not the mysterious lack of satisfaction in play.
