I dislike most music

[disappointed_lesbian]

My back is still hurting. It's hurting worse; it's not getting better.

I've found the key to staying on my cycling bike for longer than a quarter of an hour: I need the right kind of music. Fast music. Speed metal and maybe some kinds of electronic music. I don't have a lot of that kind of music, so I've been trying to find some so that I'll have enough to keep me cycling for forty-five minutes per day.

This has been difficult. Listening to new music is tiring and unrewarding. It's tiring (presumably) because I have auditory processing issues, and it's unrewarding because I hardly ever find anything that I like. I am SO sick of listening to boring music. Most music bores me, even if it's fast, even if it's chaotic.

I can't quite say what makes me like music, especially not metal (which is the genre that so far fits my requirement for speed the best). I know that I strongly prefer complex rhythms and melodies, but some of those bore me as well. Most metal doesn't even have melody, and it seems that I dislike the so-called melodic metal. I like fast, dense beats with lots of bass in my metal. I like yelling and growling much more than singing in my metal. I've listened to plenty of that, but still something about the songs just doesn't touch me. Something about the progression of notes is too dull.

I'd like veins popping out of my glutes. I'll probably never get them, however. (I'm talking about altering my body composition, fat vs. muscle proportion.) Since I'm not hungry now despite undereating, I'm eager to see just how low I can get my body fat percentage before I start to get hungry/sick/whatever.

I think that I have recurring disturbing thoughts/memories because I subconsciously think that I'm shirking some kind of responsibility (responsibility to myself, mainly) by forgetting things. I've learned that if I don't seek some kind of resolution to interpersonal issues, the memories of those issues will come back and haunt me. I'll feel...bad, I can't describe how or why, about not standing up for myself. But the people involved in the issues I keep thinking about are long gone out of my life. I thought about trying to find one of them on social media, but my fatigue got in the way and I drifted away from the endeavor, forgot that I've even started it.

There is another individual, one whom I am to get revenge on. I have to do something to get the memories to stop looping. But my fatigue is hindering my efforts. I have to learn a new set of skills, and learning is a helluva task for someone who doesn't sleep. So I'm in a vicious cycle of my insomnia both giving me recurrent thoughts and preventing me from taking the actions I need to take to stop the thoughts. But, like I think I said in a previous paragraph, it's not just the insomnia that's pushing the thoughts, or it's not the insomnia directly: it's my subconscious belief that I cannot let things go without taking action to resolve them for myself. I am not the sort of person to "forgive and forget." Maybe I used to be, maybe fifteen or twenty years ago when I was more naive, but not anymore. Bitter experience has taught me that asserting myself and revenge are what truly make me feel better.

It's occurred to me that if I had something pleasant going on in my life, I'd be more willing and/or more easily able to let these old issues go. Oh well; that's not the life I'm living.