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It's gone. Public bathroom.
The phone isn't as big of a deal as the lost study routine. I was able to drill sentences at the track, away from the computer; now, I cannot.
I'm finally working up the motivation to write one of the stories I keep circulating in my imagination. Usually I never put any of them down on paper. I'm not a very creative person in the sense that I'm rarely motivated to realize any of the creative ideas I have. I'm more driven to understand things, and that's where I prefer to put my time.
I was listening to Late Night Alumni on the track this evening (lately I rarely listen to anything besides asian pop band Exo); usually I dislike the sound of a high-pitched voice but singing is a bit different because music is more pleasant than talking I guess, and the sound of her voice, sound of a womon's voice gave me a pang of, I don't know to call it. That thing inside me that feels the urge to connect with femaleness was triggered.
I will probably never have a girlfriend again. I used to wonder at how I got more action when I was younger, fatter, with worse skin. It wasn't just the social convenience of university and horny womyn on craigslist. It was youth. Theirs. Young womyn grew up, into a typical neurotypicl adulthood and I didn't. I have a thing about me that's interpreted as youthful (or perhaps ignorant, innocent, or uncouth are better descriptors), I know they can see it, and it's not attractive to them. And I'm ok with that. I mean that I'm ok with them not seeing me as attractive. But seemingly youthful things, naive things, weird things, etc., are not necessarily what they seem. That I would like people to know.
Not sure what my social life would be like in Taiwan. Probably I would be seen as alien and unattractive, and that plus the language barrier plus me avoiding the larger cities would make an intimate relationship all but impossible, and then cultural differences would kill whatever chances I had left. I would like an Asian American boyfriend, but I don't wanna stay here to find one. It's an unpleasant situation to be in, having to immigrate. Makes life difficult.
Today I found out that I need a notarized statement to apply for a copy of my birth certificate, which I need to apply for a passport. The expenses keep adding up. I'm going to see about getting the birth certificate from the county in which I was born rather than from the state records office. That might make things easier. I couldn't find the county's website, though. In the meantime, I need to see whether I still have the original copy of my birth certificate.
I have become very afraid of feelings of depression, the kind of feelings I've been getting with low blood sugar. I get super anxious at these times, terrified of feeling something emotionally unbearable, as if I've been buffeted by waves so rough that I'm consumed with fear that the next one will pull me under. My thoughts race, and controlling them is difficult. I don't exactly feel suicidal at these times, but the fear of the Overwhelming Emotion is so great that I do feel, when I'm in the grip, that suicide is the only way to escape. These episodes are by far the most difficult psychological experience I've ever had.
Lately I'm going to bed at 1 a.m., getting home from my walk two to three hours before that, and I have trouble publishing these journal posts before midnight. I composed everything before this paragraph on the thirtieth but this entry is now going to get posted on the thirty-first. I hate it when days get jumbled up like this. But I can console myself that it at least somewhat reflects my life, my schedule. I sometimes get so terribly sleepy between ten thirty and midnight thirty, even though it's not yet bedtime, that I can do nothing but lie down. Maybe it's a sign that I should go to bed earlier.
The phone isn't as big of a deal as the lost study routine. I was able to drill sentences at the track, away from the computer; now, I cannot.
I'm finally working up the motivation to write one of the stories I keep circulating in my imagination. Usually I never put any of them down on paper. I'm not a very creative person in the sense that I'm rarely motivated to realize any of the creative ideas I have. I'm more driven to understand things, and that's where I prefer to put my time.
I was listening to Late Night Alumni on the track this evening (lately I rarely listen to anything besides asian pop band Exo); usually I dislike the sound of a high-pitched voice but singing is a bit different because music is more pleasant than talking I guess, and the sound of her voice, sound of a womon's voice gave me a pang of, I don't know to call it. That thing inside me that feels the urge to connect with femaleness was triggered.
I will probably never have a girlfriend again. I used to wonder at how I got more action when I was younger, fatter, with worse skin. It wasn't just the social convenience of university and horny womyn on craigslist. It was youth. Theirs. Young womyn grew up, into a typical neurotypicl adulthood and I didn't. I have a thing about me that's interpreted as youthful (or perhaps ignorant, innocent, or uncouth are better descriptors), I know they can see it, and it's not attractive to them. And I'm ok with that. I mean that I'm ok with them not seeing me as attractive. But seemingly youthful things, naive things, weird things, etc., are not necessarily what they seem. That I would like people to know.
Not sure what my social life would be like in Taiwan. Probably I would be seen as alien and unattractive, and that plus the language barrier plus me avoiding the larger cities would make an intimate relationship all but impossible, and then cultural differences would kill whatever chances I had left. I would like an Asian American boyfriend, but I don't wanna stay here to find one. It's an unpleasant situation to be in, having to immigrate. Makes life difficult.
Today I found out that I need a notarized statement to apply for a copy of my birth certificate, which I need to apply for a passport. The expenses keep adding up. I'm going to see about getting the birth certificate from the county in which I was born rather than from the state records office. That might make things easier. I couldn't find the county's website, though. In the meantime, I need to see whether I still have the original copy of my birth certificate.
I have become very afraid of feelings of depression, the kind of feelings I've been getting with low blood sugar. I get super anxious at these times, terrified of feeling something emotionally unbearable, as if I've been buffeted by waves so rough that I'm consumed with fear that the next one will pull me under. My thoughts race, and controlling them is difficult. I don't exactly feel suicidal at these times, but the fear of the Overwhelming Emotion is so great that I do feel, when I'm in the grip, that suicide is the only way to escape. These episodes are by far the most difficult psychological experience I've ever had.
Lately I'm going to bed at 1 a.m., getting home from my walk two to three hours before that, and I have trouble publishing these journal posts before midnight. I composed everything before this paragraph on the thirtieth but this entry is now going to get posted on the thirty-first. I hate it when days get jumbled up like this. But I can console myself that it at least somewhat reflects my life, my schedule. I sometimes get so terribly sleepy between ten thirty and midnight thirty, even though it's not yet bedtime, that I can do nothing but lie down. Maybe it's a sign that I should go to bed earlier.
