Sunlight

[disappointed_lesbian]

I'm typing this outside my apartment, next to the dumpster on the grounds of my apartment complex. My old lawn chair has come in handy after all. I bought it used, and it's unfurling.

I finished my telehealth appointment with the sleep medicine department about an hour ago. The appointment was much longer and thorough than I'd expected. We came to the conclusion that I need to get more sun (which is why I'm now sitting out here in the heat), that I will try CBT with the sleep psychologist, and that I'll try a tiny dose of melatonin in the evening to shift my bedtime earlier (I'm not sure I'll actually try this last one because even low doses of melatonin leave me unbearably groggy the next day...maybe I'll leave it as a last resort).

I was worried about coming outside because sunlight gives me migraines (and because I now have now sunglasses), but now I feel that I will be ok as long as I don't exert myself. I keep learning new things about my odd medical conditions. My goal for today is to sit here in the sun for at least an hour. I may stay longer if I can bear it. It's difficult to be out here with little to do. I've brought my laptop, but the battery life of this thing has decreased dramatically since I purchased it about fifteen months ago. When I started it up just now, the battery was at twenty-one percent charge. That was after it had sat fully charged inside. I also have a messenger bag of diversions sitting next to me on the concrete: my Rubix Cube (which I still have not once solved), a couple of puzzle magazines, my French vocabulary textbook, a writing pad, pencils, and a pen.

I'm going to try to make my time outdoors into a routine so that I can stick to it. I would prefer to be out here exercising, but I'm not sure that I can do it. I'd like to try walking in the local pool, but i can't afford the eight-buck-per-visit fee. I think that I could do hours in the pool, and hours in the sun is probably what I need. It's too hot to walk or do anything else. My road bike is not up to par anyhow. So I'll sit here and type.

I am confident that this time in the sun will help me. The doctor recommended it because I said that I slept better when I lived outdoors. I don't know how long it'll be before I see results from this, however. I've tried to get more sun before and failed. It's so difficult to go out for a walk with no energy. Sitting here is manageable, however. I just hope that sitting in the sun is enough, that exerting myself in the sun is not required. I'm also concerned about the amount of time I'll need to spend out here. The laptop battery won't last long, and it's tough to sit here bored and doing nothing. I don't really have the energy to study, and I never have anything I'm much interested in reading. I guess I could go in and re-charge the laptop for a bit, then come back out. I don't remember how long it takes to re-charge this laptop battery. Will it take so long that I'll have to re-muster the energy and motivation to come back out here? Such little things become bigger things when fatigue is part of the equation.

Sitting here looking at my hands. I like the vascularity in the backs of my hands. If only I could achieve that on parts of my body. I think (not sure) veins popping out of my glutes might look nice. I'll probably never get that shredded, however.

I'm hoping the property manager does not come out of his apartment (which is about ten or twelve feet from where I'm sitting) and notice me. He always greets me. I hate it.

The way my body changes when I lose weight is always surprising and confusing. I look slimmer clothed than naked. It does not seem that I have been dieting long or have lost much, yet a pair of shorts I wear regularly is already loose in the glute area. Today I put on a really old shirt that I accidentally shrank years ago, and I was surprised to find that it fits well. Upper body slims down before the lower body. Ok. Whatever.

I don't like having the laptop on my lap. I'm concerned about radiation. There's a laptop pad that supposedly blocks this radiation. Yet another item on the ever-growing list of things-I-can't-afford-right-now. It would be shitty to trade one medical problem (insomnia) for another (some kind of radiation effect) in an attempt to treat the first.

Leaves from the neighbor's tree are falling on me and the laptop.

Despite the heat, I'm wearing a mask. Worse, a cloth mask. My face looks so bad, I don't want anyone to see it. Now that my one week of post-laser wait time is up, I can start putting products on my face again. I've already started up the hydroquinone again. I guess I will go back to the brightening serum I was using before the dermatologist told me to use hydroquinone alone for a month pre-laser. The serum didn't seem to do much, but...what else have I got. At least it seemed to help moisturize my skin. I do not have and currently cannot afford any facial moisturizer.

I hope I have more energy when I go back inside. Today is supposed to be a lifting day.

My triceps are still sore.

I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. I never want to eat. I got another ninety-five dollars worth of emergency food stamps this month. I didn't know this would happen; I was surprised by the amount of leftover food stamps when I looked at my receipt from a grocery store a few days ago. So I can buy another jar of protein powder this month (if I ever work up the energy to go back into the town where my brand is sold; in town I either have to pay cash or buy some crap that has the gut-wrenching stevia in it). So I'm going to be more generous with the protein powder I have and eat it for two meals a day instead of one, at least on some days. I've been having trouble stomaching any other meal besides my protein powder breakfast these past few days. I've just not been up to the intense sense of fullness from all the fiber. But I can handle the fiber from my breakfast meal.

I've seen the postal mail truck go up and down the street in front of me three times now. This is weird because, although the deliveryperson is in our neighborhood now (at 1-2 PM), mail isn't delivered here until six or seven PM. This isn't a large neighborhood and this isn't a large town, so why is our mail delivery delayed until so late in the day?

So it's evening now and I felt so much better after sitting outside. Definitely making that a daily thing. I wasn't as energetic as I needed to be for a workout however (although I forced myself to do one anyhow), so I'm hoping the effect of the sunlight is stronger tomorrow and going forth.

My face feels great. After my laser treatment, I was given a sample bottle of sunscreen (SPF 70, highest SPF I've ever even heard of). It was the chemical kind of sunscreen, which I never wear because I'm concerned about the health effects.My face has been looking gross since the treatment; I think the sunscreen was blocking my pores. So I tried to clean up my pores a bit with a clay mask after my post-workout shower just now. After that, I used two different toners (witch hazel and a salicylic acid toner). So my face feels quite clean. I also put on some of the expensive brightening serum for the first time in about a month and a half. I'm going back to my physical sunscreen (titanium and zinc oxides).

I kinda wanna go back outdoors for a while, but it's hot and I'm not looking forward to getting sweaty right after my shower. Since I have a walk planned for later this evening (I skipped my daily cycling session because it was so damned hot by the time I got around to my workout), maybe I'll just let that be my last light of the day. I was seen for insomnia back at university, and the doctor said that a walk at sunset would help regulate my circadian rhythm, so I'm guessing that full-on daylight is not the only sunlight that can help me.

Ok so it's post evening walk now and I feel pretty good. I've felt so good all day that I've been thinking about a language lesson (German), and that's what I'm going to do in a bit. Amazing what a bit of sunlight can do. I hope that the light from computer screens isn't involved in my insomnia. I have software that changes the coloring/I'm hoping blocks blue light on the two computers I use regularly. Not sure whether it works, though. I guess I'll find out as the daily sunlight works its magic.