Shitty World

[disappointed_lesbian]

Inadvertently took a super long walk this morning. Lost track of time I guess. I felt weak but didn't consider that it might be because I'd been walking for longer than usual.

Was super weak and couldn't bench press my usual sixty-five pounds. Instead I lifted fifty for two sets, then fifty-five (or maybe sixty? wasn't paying attention to the weight size) on my last set.

Started an alternate study flow, one that takes less time: I just read podcast transcripts instead of transforming them into flashcards, presentations, or anything else. I look up unknown characters and create flashcards for them, but without the time-consuming addition of extracting excerpts from the podcast episode. So MS Azure tts pronouncing the characters is the only audio associated with these flashcards.

As of tonight, I'm washing my face with clay and water. I may add oatmeal. I've long wanted to stop using soap, but I kept getting dry, dark splotches on my skin when I went without soap. I cannot use most soaps because everything gives me pimples. I generally have some type of palm-oil based soap, and I've come to suspect the palm oil of being the cause of my continually clogged pores. Palm oil is supposed to be minimally comedogenic, but basically everything but water is comedogenic for me so it has to go. I've had enough; my face is always filthy and I have no way to get the gunk out of my pores. I'm concerned that my face smells bad at times because the white and yellowish gunk that emerges from my pores smells bad.

A guy who joked with me about watching my bike while it was chained up outside the community market last week ran into me a few blocks from my apartment this morning. He stopped me, reminded me of who he was, and said he'd just wanted to say hi at the market. I said 'ok.' He seemed nice and had a very big and sincere smile but I felt uncomfortable. I cannot live up to people's social expectations so I prefer they just ignore me. He was going to say something else just before I inadvertently interrupted him to say goodbye or something. I walked off feeling awkward and anxious.

When I got home I decided I'd done the best thing I could do by leaving quickly because men are untrustworthy and continuing to engage them tends to embolden them. I felt bad that I have to keep guys at arms' length but this is the world men have created for the rest of us. If shit is going to change, if people are going to trust them, they have to be the ones to initiate that, to earn trust. The rest of us cannot do it because we'd have to put ourselves at risk.

There was another school shooting today. 3 kids and a teacher dead in Oregon. post-mood: frustrated