Exploring Malabsorption

[disappointed_lesbian]

Today was my gastroenterology appointment. I was unhappy about going because I had to leave like two and a half hours early to get there on time. I spent the extra time shopping and like a dumbass was almost late for the appointment.

My concern is malabsorption. I saw a physician's assistant and she suggested an endoscopy to check for celiac disease and something to do with my pancreas. I had a normal endoscopy years ago and wondered why those conditions wouldn't have been picked up. I also wondered why I've shown no symptoms of those conditions. She said my endoscopy may not have included biopsies, and I cannot remember whether it did. It's safer to avoid invasive procedures so I elected to do some kind of antibody test for celiac instead. If that comes back negative, I'll consider the endoscopy for the other condition. I'm also going to do a test via stool sample but I don't know what that test is for.

I rejected the colonoscopy she suggested. It's so dumb for doctors to suggest these kinds of tests based solely on family history. It should be obvious that colon cancer is a lifestyle issue. My half-sister who died of colon cancer was overweight for years and hardly ate any vegetables, any fiber. I lived with her for a while and I remember her specialty was spaghetti and fried chicken. No veggies other than some onions and maybe bell pepper in the spaghetti. I'm at like zero risk for colon cancer and I'm not going to risk getting my colon perforated for nothing.

I asked what the treatment for Malabsorption would be. She said that if I turned out to have a celiac condition, she'd prescribe a gluten-free diet. But I've been following a mostly gluten-free diet for years! That made me wonder whether eating more gluten could worsen the Malabsorption. She said yes. I've been eating wheat again this past week plus taking more and more liquid iron with no results. So maybe I've worsened my malabsorption.

The appointment was over less than ten minutes after the intercity bus had left, so I had a couple of hours to kill. I had forgotten to take magnesium in the morning, so I had a migraine building. I got a drink and an annoyingly high-calorie protein bar from the discount grocery store, which is, conveniently, a couple of blocks from the hospital, then went to hang out in the library. I wanted to walk somewhere but I was afraid my headache would worsen. I looked at Chinese children's books in the library and couldn't really read any of them. The one I could read had a horrible font and I eventually decided to stop torturing myself with it.

Half an hour before the next bus was due to arrive, I left the library for the bus depot. The day had become hot and it was super loud there because of some construction along with the sound of bus engines. I tried to read some Chinese but it was uncomfortable with the headache. A bus stopped in front of me and a woman got off with a haircut and an outfit that looked like they were from the eighties. She had on mid-calf high boots that had some cheap-looking silver pattern on them. Her outfit made me laugh. I never got to see her face but she was trim and attractive from the side and back. I tried to not get caught staring.

I ended up sitting right behind her on the intercity bus. I watched her delicious looking arms as she repeatedly dove into and pulled paperwork out of her backpack. I recognized one of the baggies in which the pharmacy distributes medication plus the medication information/instructions printout we get with every prescription. Finding her attractive made me feel mildly depressed. Maybe I didn't feel depressed; I felt grief. Grief that I cannot have what I want with someone of my own sex.

I've noticed that I somewhat try to psych myself up to be attracted to men. I look at some and try to find something attractive about them but whatever I do find is not almost never enough. The attraction is not strong enough. That's not quite true; the problem is that the unattractive parts are too many. I like them for their clothes, their haircuts, their mannerisms. I like their voices. But their bodies, when they aren't gross or alien, are mostly boring. I cannot get over the sense that there is something missing from a flat chest. Maybe the chest is the only male body part that I like muscle on.

Psychologically, I'm not really suffering much. It's my body yelling at me for sex that's the problem. And that's the reason I feel that men will do. A deficient chest on someone who is putting a hand down my pants doesn't matter. I remember now: I like men and womyn for different qualities. I cannot look at them the same way, compare them on the same characteristics. (The idea of a guy putting a hand down my pants excites me; the idea of a womon doing that does not. Not unless I imagine really hard to conjure up one who has the right disposition. On the bus I had a vivid mental image of having sex with the eighties lady but I remarked that the thought of her touching me sexually was not exciting.) But I'm still not sure that's enough to sustain a relationship. Maybe it'll never work; maybe I'm just not accustomed to looking at people the way I need to look at men to appreciate them. Maybe I'm just too gay. Maybe all the pieces will fall into place if I ever just find someone I really click with. That applies to womyn as well; I just have no hope that'll ever happen.

I had to stop for some more quick-release melatonin. I tried to go without it last night because I'd run out the night before and wanted to see whether chewing my extended release melatonin + not looking at a screen late in the evening would allow me to sleep without it. Of course that didn't work. It never works. I cannot sleep without the stuff.

My migraine didn't get terrible and I eventually got rid of it.

I've spent half the afternoon plus the whole damned evening trying to figure out how to remove background music from a podcast episode. I finally have a good solution, so now I can listen to all the podcast episodes I gave up on before.

post-mood: ok