The anthropology of biters

[disappointed_lesbian]

I walked a lot today because, in addition to going to the bank and going shopping, I forgot my ebt card and had to return to the grocery store. And in a few minutes I'll be going out to the water machine.

I wasted a lot of time shopping. I found an interesting book in the used book shop but I didn't dare buy it even though it cost only five dollars. I did however treat myself to a two-dollar cd at the thrift store. It's a tony bennett and bill evans duo. tony bennett has put out some beautiful tunes. I have been ambivalent about listening to good music for years now. I don't like having my emotions stimulated, and the music reminds me of my aborted music career. So I hesitated over the cd. I hesitated to listen to jazz when I got tired of kpop during my morning walk today. Right now this symptom makes me think think "I want to die," but I'm trying to stop saying that, so I need to stop thinking it. I'm going to at least pretend that I want to live. Saying this shit out loud is a bad habit that will make me seem mentally ill if anyone is ever in earshot. One absolutely cannot count on people considering that one is traumatized rather than crazy in this society.

My skin has gotten bad so I needed the more expensive lotion again; that was the main reason for the shopping trip. There still isn't a lotion I can put on my face. Today it occurred to me that the lack of facial moisturizer is the reason why I have so much trouble with my skin. The llm has suggested oatmeal, that I add oatmeal to the aloe vera gel I use. I doubt that will be moisturizing enough but it may do something for the inflammation that continually gives me pih. I'm always hopeful that something will treat this condition and continually disappointed. Recently my skin has worsened and I'm down about it. No, I'm not down about it so much as I'm down about my inability to do anything about it. No, maybe not. I'm not sure which is worse.

On my way from the bank to the thrift store, I saw three pieces of fried chicken scattered on the ground on the next block downtown. Each piece had fewer bites taken out of it than the previous one. It made me wonder what the hell happened because they were like ten pieces away from each other. Maybe someone tried each piece in turn and found them each unsuitable.

I feel awkward every time I'm outdoors. It's stressful. It's because of the way people have treated me here.

I keep forgetting that I'm having hot flashes and wondering why the weather has suddenly heated up. They sneak up on me so gently.

As of tonight I guess I'm back to rice, veggies, and tofu for dinner. The veggies were satisfying but I found the dish remarkably bland, and not because it lacked salt or savory seasoning; I think it was because I'm used to eating sweet things now. I had a few pieces of date and a few dried cranberries to satisfy my craving for sweetness. Next month I'm going to try to go back to buying massive amounts of veggies. I'm not really going back because I never did manage to buy enough of them anyhow.

Today I received a letter about my food stamps benefit. Beginning next month, I'll be receiving eight extra dollars worth of food stamps per month. So I can more easily afford to treat myself to a vegan pizza.

Oh I almost forgot. Today I managed to skip the snack I usually need between lunch and dinner. I was out shopping and completely forgot about it, plus I didn't get the headache I normally get when I don't have the snack. It's a miracle.

I'm tired of kpop biting off usian music. Some of the bites are so cringe, especially when they can't properly pronounce the slang. A few of the songs on exo's latest album have grown on me but I still have to stop myself from cringing at parts of them. It seems like approaching kpop in the spirit of anthropology might be helpful, something to complement approaching it as a music fan.

post-mood:depressed