Grieving My Old Blog

My sleep has worsened over the past week or two, and now I'm back to severe constipation and stomach pain after fiber-rich meals. I cannot have what I normally have for breakfast nor the cabbage I just bought for my tofu and veggie soup (a new dish that I quite like). Last night was the first night since this worsening that I got an acceptable amount of sleep, so I hope that I'm on my way to recovery.

This morning, I had a nightmare about having an invisible disability. I was trying to get some sort of disability benefits, but the place I was in is actually a courthouse in real life. I was in a large room, a waiting room with space up front for clients to talk through windows to the staff people, trying to take directions from a staff member, but another client in the waiting area was talking at the same time, and so I had trouble absorbing what was being said to me.

I should not have waited all day to post about this...I cannot remember whether I was having trouble getting the staff member to accommodate my comprehension difficulties or whether I was so flustered by the effort required to ignore the background noise that I failed to make my comprehension difficulties known. What I remember most vividly is my distress.

Later on, in the vestibule of the building, I witnessed someone else struggling with an invisible disability: there was a woman (sitting on the floor in a doorway, oddly enough), and someone, maybe multiple people, had been calling her name for some time without her answering. She must have finally looked around because she became aware that someone was addressing her. She was visibly distressed, almost crying it seemed, and she said that she is completely deaf, with the implication that the people calling her name had been doing so in error.

I'm disappointed in how poorly I remember the facts of this dream. Well, the emotional impact was most remarkable.

I have become somewhat impatient with my glacially slow weight loss. It seems that the first five pounds fell off not too slowly, and that the current pace of weight loss is much slower.

I had another blog, I marked it for deletion, then went back and restored it so that I could export my posts (of which I had thousands). I was not happy about deleting the blog, but I was on a privacy spree at the time, and at least one or two people might have been able to connect the blog with my meatspace identity.

I didn't finish exporting my posts in a timely fashion, but I didn't want the blog to be publically visible for even a single day longer, so I marked it for deletion again, expecting to get back to the exporting and make my ultimate decision about deletion at a later time. Well, my chronic fatigue kept me from doing anything with the blog for too long; I just checked it and found that it has been deleted. I feel somewhat sad and slightly frustrated. If I weren't so poor, I would have been able to afford a premium membership, which would have allowed me to set all the entries private at once while I made up my mind. There was a lot of good content on that blog, it was one of the only avenues for me to allow the world to see what I thought, and so I'm afraid I made the wrong decision.

Now I well grieve.