Forever Disappointed
Jan. 27th, 2026 06:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disappointed_lesbianToday I got Microsoft Azure TTS voices working in my hacked version of anki. This is a big deal because hearing Mandarin spoken with the proper accent (and a realistic voice) is crucial to development of aural comprehension.
This took a lot less time than I'd anticipated; I thought I'd have to write the code myself, but I instead incorporated changes from a newer version of an anki plugin that I've been using. It's a good thing developers keep their old code available on github. Tomorrow, Mandarin study will continue the way it was going before.
I tried to avoid dicyclomine today, but eventually I gave in and had some. I'm just unbearably unproductive when I'm dealing with abdominal cramps.
I suddenly feel groggy and I'm not sure why. I finished dinner about a quarter of an hour ago and had less protein than I usually have. Carb-heavy meal.
Today I received another email from my dor counselor. She said that she's sorry that I felt the need to complain about her and that it's good that I'm advocating for myself. Funny. She also said that her case load has doubled in the past year, yikes. And that, instead of holding bimonthly meetings with me, she'll check for my emails every two weeks. That seems a sensible plan.
She also said that she's working on the referral I requested. I hope so badly I get this referral because I REALLY need a damned job.
I can barely think so it looks like the rest of the evening will be unproductive or perhaps just underproductive. I'm trying to catch up on overdue flashcards. Health problems like this make it nearly impossible to deal with the things that are weighing on my mind. Which is usually related misogyny or other kinds of disrespect. There's simply no way to accept living in a misogynistic world, having no avenue of escape, so suicide seems like the only solution. The only thing that makes me feel like continuing to live is the prospect of having a partner, but, that's not likely to happen, so, again, suicide seems like the only solution.
Right now, I can wait to see if my referral lands me a job. Work can distract me in the short-term and income is possibly a ticket to a more bearable life in the long-term. I'm always aware that odds are not in my favor, however.
There does not exist a synonym for 'disappointment' strong enough to express how I feel about our foremothers having allowed the world to become this way, this black hole of misogyny. It would have been better for them to have destroyed their own tribes, to have ended the human race, than to pass this down to us.
I have a fasted blood test tomorrow morning, so I'm going to try to sleep without a bedtime snack. Usually I repeatedly wake up with night sweats when I do this, if I fall asleep at all. Despite the iron supplements, I still wake up or fail to fall asleep at all if I set the thermostat below sixty-five degrees, so I'm keeping the heat blasting all night to maximize the possibility that I sleep. I desperately want to sleep so that my ibs symptoms go away and I don't have to live off of coffee.
This took a lot less time than I'd anticipated; I thought I'd have to write the code myself, but I instead incorporated changes from a newer version of an anki plugin that I've been using. It's a good thing developers keep their old code available on github. Tomorrow, Mandarin study will continue the way it was going before.
I tried to avoid dicyclomine today, but eventually I gave in and had some. I'm just unbearably unproductive when I'm dealing with abdominal cramps.
I suddenly feel groggy and I'm not sure why. I finished dinner about a quarter of an hour ago and had less protein than I usually have. Carb-heavy meal.
Today I received another email from my dor counselor. She said that she's sorry that I felt the need to complain about her and that it's good that I'm advocating for myself. Funny. She also said that her case load has doubled in the past year, yikes. And that, instead of holding bimonthly meetings with me, she'll check for my emails every two weeks. That seems a sensible plan.
She also said that she's working on the referral I requested. I hope so badly I get this referral because I REALLY need a damned job.
I can barely think so it looks like the rest of the evening will be unproductive or perhaps just underproductive. I'm trying to catch up on overdue flashcards. Health problems like this make it nearly impossible to deal with the things that are weighing on my mind. Which is usually related misogyny or other kinds of disrespect. There's simply no way to accept living in a misogynistic world, having no avenue of escape, so suicide seems like the only solution. The only thing that makes me feel like continuing to live is the prospect of having a partner, but, that's not likely to happen, so, again, suicide seems like the only solution.
Right now, I can wait to see if my referral lands me a job. Work can distract me in the short-term and income is possibly a ticket to a more bearable life in the long-term. I'm always aware that odds are not in my favor, however.
There does not exist a synonym for 'disappointment' strong enough to express how I feel about our foremothers having allowed the world to become this way, this black hole of misogyny. It would have been better for them to have destroyed their own tribes, to have ended the human race, than to pass this down to us.
I have a fasted blood test tomorrow morning, so I'm going to try to sleep without a bedtime snack. Usually I repeatedly wake up with night sweats when I do this, if I fall asleep at all. Despite the iron supplements, I still wake up or fail to fall asleep at all if I set the thermostat below sixty-five degrees, so I'm keeping the heat blasting all night to maximize the possibility that I sleep. I desperately want to sleep so that my ibs symptoms go away and I don't have to live off of coffee.
