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disappointed_lesbianToday I spent a lot of time online trying to find a somatic therapist, and, once I'd failed at that, I spent perhaps an hour researching self-treatment. The therapy directory websites weren't functioning. I could have tried a little bit more, but I don't really want to go into therapy, it seemed unlikely that I'd find such a niche therapist who accepts my insurance and fits my demographic preferences, I'm sick of websites malfunctioning, and I was kind of depressed at that point, probably because I was imagining telling a therapist my depressing problems.
So I'm focusing on sleep-maintenance insomnia again. I looked into general diy ptsd treatment, but it didn't seem focused or relevant enough. I want to try cutting out more melatonin tonight. Since the extended-release melatonin doesn't seem to keep me asleep for an extended period of time, it seems like the logical option; however, every time I stop taking it, I don't sleep at all. It's like it functions to keep me asleep at all, just not for long.
I'm hoping to try adding coconut oil to my bedtime routine. Something about lauric acid plus oil helping with blood sugar issues. I've tried having more fat just before going to bed, and it didn't make much of a difference. I cannot afford a whole jar of coconut oil, so, unless I can find a sample packet, this solution is a non-starter. If I had more money, I'd try lemon balm and valeryian root as well.
I'm super depressed this afternoon/evening; thinking about my unending misery, unending poverty, lack of opportunities, and lack of power to do anything about any of it, my life seems hopeless. For now, I can focus on treating my insomnia, but a problem that always comes back to mind is my inability to leverage the social capital I apparently need to land a job.
Taiwan has become distasteful to me now that I don't need the warm weather, and I continually see people only mention its miserable summers. To give up on expatriating is depressing enough; to give up on Mandarin after I've put all this damned work into it is like staring into a black hole. But it's not even a useful skilloutside of moving to a Mandarin-speaking region. Even if I became fluent (which I wouldn't achieve for years), I'd never be competitive in employment against the population of native speakers we must have in this area. And I cannot handle jobs that require a lot of speaking and/or listening anyhow, because autism + auditory processing issues, which are currently enhanced by insomnia.
There's like no point to doing anything. No amount of education or hard work will get me a job that I can actually do.
My skin isn't looking better; my chronically congested pores are disgusting.
I got up at five forty-five am this morning. I miss early morning walks, although I get sick of them if I go for one every day, and I know it's never likely that I'll fall back to sleep, especially without quick-release melatonin. So I went for a two-hour walk. It was rather warm and I ended up over-dressed. I knew that I would likely be too warm, but sometimes I cannot bear to remove certain clothing items, tops, because having my upper body too free triggers depressing body memories. I cannot remember how the walk was except that I was uncomfortable at the end because I was very hungry. I wanted to walk further, but I had to come home to avoid feeling ill.
Maybe I will treat myself to a pizza tonight. Then I'll have the mood+energy to do a longish aerobics session. I've been trying to avoid buying more quick-release melatonin, but I'm not doing well without it, and it's the only thing that gives me any hope of getting back to sleep when I wake up early.
So I took a two-hour walk across town and found a small can of coconut cream for a couple of dollars. I also sprung for another bottle of quick-release melatonin. No money for pizza. Mood is much better. I treated myself to some sci-fi shorts on odysee. Most of them were amateurish but sci-fi is almost always inspiring. Now that I'm getting my Mandarin flashcards mostly done early in the day, I can spend the evening studying something else. Astronautics. Who knows.
Enough time wasted on this post.
So I'm focusing on sleep-maintenance insomnia again. I looked into general diy ptsd treatment, but it didn't seem focused or relevant enough. I want to try cutting out more melatonin tonight. Since the extended-release melatonin doesn't seem to keep me asleep for an extended period of time, it seems like the logical option; however, every time I stop taking it, I don't sleep at all. It's like it functions to keep me asleep at all, just not for long.
I'm hoping to try adding coconut oil to my bedtime routine. Something about lauric acid plus oil helping with blood sugar issues. I've tried having more fat just before going to bed, and it didn't make much of a difference. I cannot afford a whole jar of coconut oil, so, unless I can find a sample packet, this solution is a non-starter. If I had more money, I'd try lemon balm and valeryian root as well.
I'm super depressed this afternoon/evening; thinking about my unending misery, unending poverty, lack of opportunities, and lack of power to do anything about any of it, my life seems hopeless. For now, I can focus on treating my insomnia, but a problem that always comes back to mind is my inability to leverage the social capital I apparently need to land a job.
Taiwan has become distasteful to me now that I don't need the warm weather, and I continually see people only mention its miserable summers. To give up on expatriating is depressing enough; to give up on Mandarin after I've put all this damned work into it is like staring into a black hole. But it's not even a useful skilloutside of moving to a Mandarin-speaking region. Even if I became fluent (which I wouldn't achieve for years), I'd never be competitive in employment against the population of native speakers we must have in this area. And I cannot handle jobs that require a lot of speaking and/or listening anyhow, because autism + auditory processing issues, which are currently enhanced by insomnia.
There's like no point to doing anything. No amount of education or hard work will get me a job that I can actually do.
My skin isn't looking better; my chronically congested pores are disgusting.
I got up at five forty-five am this morning. I miss early morning walks, although I get sick of them if I go for one every day, and I know it's never likely that I'll fall back to sleep, especially without quick-release melatonin. So I went for a two-hour walk. It was rather warm and I ended up over-dressed. I knew that I would likely be too warm, but sometimes I cannot bear to remove certain clothing items, tops, because having my upper body too free triggers depressing body memories. I cannot remember how the walk was except that I was uncomfortable at the end because I was very hungry. I wanted to walk further, but I had to come home to avoid feeling ill.
Maybe I will treat myself to a pizza tonight. Then I'll have the mood+energy to do a longish aerobics session. I've been trying to avoid buying more quick-release melatonin, but I'm not doing well without it, and it's the only thing that gives me any hope of getting back to sleep when I wake up early.
So I took a two-hour walk across town and found a small can of coconut cream for a couple of dollars. I also sprung for another bottle of quick-release melatonin. No money for pizza. Mood is much better. I treated myself to some sci-fi shorts on odysee. Most of them were amateurish but sci-fi is almost always inspiring. Now that I'm getting my Mandarin flashcards mostly done early in the day, I can spend the evening studying something else. Astronautics. Who knows.
Enough time wasted on this post.
