Would rather be a hardgainer

[disappointed_lesbian]

post-format: "html" post-tags: bodybuilding, feminism, diet, insomnia post-mood: tired

It's gonna be a while before my triceps are strong enough for me to reverse bench press weight sufficient to develop my upper chest.

I abandoned my daily three-hour walk early yesterday because I got sick of the screaming kids and people blocking my path. There were two or three different soccer practices happening on the field around which runs the track I walk on, and there was an unusual number of parents and onlookers/other youth hanging out on the track. I mean I guess I haven't been walking the track long enough to really know what's unusual, but it was more crowded than it's been since I started except for when I showed up at actual games.

This episode made me notice that I've been sick of the noise and people looking at me as I walk by. Just sick of being around people in general. So I wanted to try a different track, a less crowded place, and that led to my discovery of a hiking trail at the edge of town this evening. Nice. Isolated. But I'd have to leave earlier in the day to spend much time on this trail because I can't see my way along it for long after the sun sets. I've been taking my walks between 5 and 9 pm. I can't really take them earlier because I can't spend long in the sun without getting headaches, and the earlier part of the day is when I lift weights.

My feet hurt from standing all day + the walking, but I don't want to sit down. I want to keep studying at my computer. I was in the last third of a ferocious German vocabulary-building session when I noticed the time and stopped to compose this post.

Something great has happened. I've somehow got my number of daily meals down to four. Fewer calories without too much hunger. I think it's the walk that's done it; I don't feel much hunger when I'm exercising lightly.

I've had to add carbs to my diet around the walk. My typical low-carb, high-protein meal, especially after the walk, leaves me feeling like I need more.

War exists because of men. Never forget that. Of course there are people who'll say that women too would wage war if given the chance...but there's no evidence whatsoever that that's true. Honestly, I get the sense that there's been a grave misapplication of the concept of "sexual equality," that people take it to mean that we should think of men and women as if we're psychologically and behaviorally similar.

Since consolidating my sleep into one short block has done nothing for me, I've drifted back to my two-phase sleeping pattern: I sleep from around 3 AM until 8 AM, then again somewhere between 9 AM and 11 AM. The melatonin hasn't really helped me sleep more; it just makes me groggy. It might be the reason I'm able to get a bit of extra sleep in the later hours of the morning, but I'll find out tomorrow whether that's so because I'm going to stop taking the pills.

I took up the three-hour walks to lose fat. Although I've lost any noticeable amount so far, my thighs are noticeably harder, and they weren't really soft to begin with, just covered with a layer of fat. It seems that my body prioritizes putting on muscle over losing fat. I think the opposite would be easier for me to deal with. Being a hardgainer just means eating a ton and exercising heavy and hard. That I can do, that I have the motivation for. And there's plenty of high-calorie food that would help me if I struggled to put on weight. But losing fat is much tougher.