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Inadvertently testing out my suicide plan.
May. 2nd, 2025 07:47 pmI know why I've been getting that fluttery pain in my heart. I'm sensitive to caffeine, and I've been having huge servings of it. I've basically been acting out a non-lethal version of my suicide plan. Grocery day will be in a few days; I'll switch to green tea. Green tea has never given me mini heart attacks. But it does contain tannin, which binds to iron, and will potentially worsen my iron deficiency.
I slept almost a full night last night. The only difference was that I took a two-hour walk late in the afternoon. This isn't something new; I sort of just keep forgetting it because lack of sleep messes with my memory. To get a normal amount of sleep, I'm going to have to restructure my life so that I can be out doing something physical in the sun more often. It's difficult enough to do that now, when I spend so much time indoors studying. It's going to be next to impossible if I get a job. I'm going to have to find work that involves some kind of outdoor activity. It's not going to be easy, it disrupts my plans, but it must be done. I can't be an insomniac for my whole life, surviving on caffeine.
So I may as well give up on the remote jobs I had in mind, unless they are super part-time.
I'd be better off with a seasonal labor job because it's too cold to be outdoors in the winter, even with physical activity to keep me warm. Maybe I'll get warm enough to pull it off at some point, but I'm not counting on it.
I don't know what I could do; I have no experience in labor aside from a warehouse job I had right out of basic training. There are no more entry-level jobs, like I said before.
I was going to abandon the job search and apply for a Fullbright scholarship to a Taiwanese university program because all my expenses, including airfare, would be paid. Assuming I didn't find a job between now and then. But I don't want to be indoors studying more, and the university doesn't seem to be in the kind of environment I need (quiet and walkable). If my application was accepted, I could do just a year and use that time to network my way into an appropriate outdoor job in Taiwan. There's a good chance that wouldn't work though. I need to enter the country with some type of activity that will land me where I need to be. Networking doesn't work well for me and how would I network with my limited Mandarin skills. Plus I'd need to be at Mandarin level B1 at the time of application, it turns out, which is this October at the latest. B1 in fourteen months is kind of insane.
I've some thinking to do.
I slept almost a full night last night. The only difference was that I took a two-hour walk late in the afternoon. This isn't something new; I sort of just keep forgetting it because lack of sleep messes with my memory. To get a normal amount of sleep, I'm going to have to restructure my life so that I can be out doing something physical in the sun more often. It's difficult enough to do that now, when I spend so much time indoors studying. It's going to be next to impossible if I get a job. I'm going to have to find work that involves some kind of outdoor activity. It's not going to be easy, it disrupts my plans, but it must be done. I can't be an insomniac for my whole life, surviving on caffeine.
So I may as well give up on the remote jobs I had in mind, unless they are super part-time.
I'd be better off with a seasonal labor job because it's too cold to be outdoors in the winter, even with physical activity to keep me warm. Maybe I'll get warm enough to pull it off at some point, but I'm not counting on it.
I don't know what I could do; I have no experience in labor aside from a warehouse job I had right out of basic training. There are no more entry-level jobs, like I said before.
I was going to abandon the job search and apply for a Fullbright scholarship to a Taiwanese university program because all my expenses, including airfare, would be paid. Assuming I didn't find a job between now and then. But I don't want to be indoors studying more, and the university doesn't seem to be in the kind of environment I need (quiet and walkable). If my application was accepted, I could do just a year and use that time to network my way into an appropriate outdoor job in Taiwan. There's a good chance that wouldn't work though. I need to enter the country with some type of activity that will land me where I need to be. Networking doesn't work well for me and how would I network with my limited Mandarin skills. Plus I'd need to be at Mandarin level B1 at the time of application, it turns out, which is this October at the latest. B1 in fourteen months is kind of insane.
I've some thinking to do.
